


Life Turns Plans Upon Their Head

by myfavorite26



Category: Emmerdale, robron
Genre: Aaron's adventure in France, Angst, Boyfriends, Did I mention angst, Eventual Happy Ending, Family, Fluff, I'm Bad At Tagging, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Robert hits rock bottom, Smut, redemption story
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-16
Updated: 2016-04-16
Packaged: 2018-03-30 18:52:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 67,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3947872
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myfavorite26/pseuds/myfavorite26
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What happens when Aaron takes Robert up on his suggestion to leave?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Day Apart

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr - myfavorite26.tumblr.com

** Aaron **

_Shit_. Robert had done it again. One small comment, one flicker of hope and I was back in it. I had turned him down flatly, told him he was never going to be truthful with himself, and there was no way I was going to be dragged into that again. But here I was sitting alone in the pub again watching Robert and Chrissie leave together. Lachlan was missing and they banded together as they always did. My mind continued to run with the what ifs though.

No, don’t think like that. It’s pointless. He is never going to change. You know that money is the only thing he loves. He tells himself that he loves Chrissie, yeah he fucking loves Chrissie because he sees status when he looks at her, but those aren’t hearts in his eyes, that’s for sure.

Fucking Robert Sugden…

He had to kiss me. It took everything not to kiss him back. Robert never showed anything but strength, even if it was laced with arrogance 98% of the time, he was always strong. To see him drunk, losing control, feeling sorry for himself was something I never thought I would witness. He was scared, only a shell of himself and all I wanted to do was comfort him. The new me, the one with the realization that I could be strong and stand apart from him warred with the part of me that knew I had given a piece of myself to him a long time ago. I had locked away that piece of my heart, but there it was banging around in my chest, just waiting for Robert to throw me a scrap…and he had, and then he asked if I’d go away with him. And the rumbling in my chest had become unbearable.

He may have had one good idea though, it might be good to get away. My mum would be happy if I got out of the village and away from Robert for a while, it’d probably make Paddy pretty happy as well. Robert might be….who cares what Robert might think. That’s the exact reason I have to get out of here. He was too big of an influence on me when I made any decision that would affect _my_ life. It had to change, I had to change. I’ve gotten stronger about him, felt like myself…who I was before him. Maybe if I were able to be rid of him for good - not see, or hear, or speak to him in for a little bit I could get back to who I was before him.

 

 

** Robert **

_Shit_ , why did he look at me like that? I was rambling, there was no forethought in what was spewing out of my mouth, I had only said what came first to my mind. I wanted to leave with him. I wanted to leave with him?

_…yes._

No, no I was just covering all options. But then he fucking looked at me with something like hope in his eyes. It was only a split second but it brought everything crashing down. God, he could make me feel like a bastard sometimes. No one else made me feel as constantly guilty as he did.

Fucking Aaron Livesy…

I don’t want to be alone, I can’t be alone. I can’t have everything taken away from me. Chrissie has to be my priority now. Aaron turned me down…

But I can’t dwell on it, Chrissie is my priority

…But Aaron…

Christ, get it together Sugden. You’ve got to get back to status quo, then maybe you can worry about Aaron.

_You kissed him…_

There it was, that voice, the one that snuck in sometimes, when I felt the most vulnerable (something I never admitted to, ever) or when I let my guard down for even a moment. I’m was pretty sure I knew whose voice it was too, but he had been dead for years. It was the voice that said you aren’t good enough and you never will be, you hurt everyone around you, you don’t deserve happiness.

I was drunk, that’s all; and so desperately lonely, I could admit that at least.

_But you still kissed him Robert…why do you keep hurting him? And Chrissie? Imagine what’s going to happen when she finds out? Or Vic or Diane? How do you think they’ll         handle being lied to for months?_

They won’t find out. No one will, it’s over. Aaron’s convinced he doesn’t need me, and I know I don’t need him.

_We’ll see…_

SHUT UP!

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 

Finally, silence.

It was doing my head in to think of it all. I know what Aaron had tried to do in going to Chrissie, but it had only made it worse. Her locking me in the shed had been terrifying, I knew she could be a piece of work, but I didn’t think she had it in her. Even that didn’t deter me, I knew what I wanted in life, and that was Chrissie and Home Farm.

Aaron could beg all he wanted for me to “accept who I was” – I knew who I was and what I desired. Then Lachlan had disappeared after coming to see me, Chrissie would blame me for it and the fighting would start back over. Fortunately he had been found by the time we got back to Home Farm. Chrissie had sent me back to Diane’s immediately, still didn’t want me in the house around her precious father and son. I knew she had softened though, when Lucky had explained to her that he wanted me to come home. For once, to my dismay, she didn’t immediately give in to what he wanted.

It had been the longest day, and I was exhausted. Unfortunately Diane was still up when I got back to the pub.

“Everything alright love? Lachlan alright?”

“Yeah, fine. Alright if I stay another night? I know I was gonna leave, but it’s late to be finding somewhere else.”

“Of course, Robert, I told you you can stay as long as you need. But hopefully it won’t be for much longer, yeah?”

I give her a weak smile and pick up my bag. Hopefully I can avoid Chas and Aaron one more night, it’s late they must both be in bed.

“Oh and don’t worry about all the hot water being gone in the morning, Aaron left on a holiday while you were at Home.”

I freeze, try and take a normal breath and turn back to Diane. “A holiday? Where?” I say in what hopefully sounds like a normal voice.

“London, maybe back to France for a bit.”

I need more information, but all my questions get stuck. He went, he actually fucking left, _shit._ “Did he say when he was going to be back?”

“Not exactly no, I think he might be gone for a good bit. Chas seemed chuffed at it though which surprised me, she’s taken him to the station and everything. I think it might be a few months, why love are you worried about the scrapyard?”

No I wasn’t, not at all.


	2. The First Week Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's been gone a week...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos everyone! It looks like this is going to be longer than I had anticipated! I really don't know how frequently I'll be updating. Hopefully it'll be every few days, but I will definitely make sure chapters are no more than a week apart. Enjoy!

** The First Week Apart **

****

** Aaron **

 

                _“What do you want for breakfast?”_

_“Nothing Robert, I’m trying to sleep; if you hadn’t noticed.”_

_His voiced dropped, low and comfortable, “Did I wear you out last night?”_

_“Sod off, if you hadn’t been kicking me all night, I might have gotten some sleep.”_

_Robert laughed lightly and began moved his fingertips slowly down my back, moving aside the sheet as he went. Goose pimples rose on my skin, spreading out from                   where his touch was. Making small loops and designs as he went his fingers seemed to have no direction. I knew his eyes were on me but I didn’t want to open mine,                  not yet. Another morning meant another day closer to having to end our time here together. Waking up next to him was a luxury I didn’t know I needed. Coming back                 to him at the end of the day felt like coming home, even if it was to her house. I was going to be devastated when this ended, and I didn’t even care. We were wrapped                in a bubble, no one could touch us here. But the familiar anxiety rose in me and I felt desperate when I knew it couldn’t last. Nothing good ever lasted in my life._

 

I gasped as I woke up, it felt like someone had punched me square in the chest. Where was I? For a moment I was so disoriented. Not being in my own bed at the pub, and having dreamt of somewhere else had left me utterly confused. Right, I was in the hotel in London, had been here a few days, there were all my things scattered around the room.

Slowly realizing where I was, my mind flitted back to what I had been dreaming about before being woken up. Dreaming wasn’t the right word for it, a memory was what it really was. It had been one of the last mornings we had together at Home Farm during our week. We hadn’t gotten out of bed until well passed midday, neither of us had anywhere to be so we took our time.

This was just one of the many memories that had flashed through my mind in the past few days. Usually when I was just falling asleep, or as I was waking up, like a movie on continuous repeat, different scenes would show up when I least expected them. It had made the last week hell.

I was trying so hard, but I was regretting my rash decision to leave. I thought it would be easier away from him, but with no one and nothing to distract me or keep me busy I was thinking more of him than was healthy. London, _really?_ I knew no one and had no connections here. This was the stupidest thing I had done, well besides starting up with a married man. But where else could I go? My friends and family were in Emmerdale, I had no connections outside of that village (wow that was right depressing to think of).

I was suffering and it was terrible. It felt like a weight was constantly on my chest, I hadn’t taken a full breath in who knows how long.

_I wonder how Robert’s feeling?_

See, this is the problem I can’t get out of my own head. He is running around in there, messing everything up. Not for the first time I wished I had never met Robert Sugden.

For the few highs we had, there were too many lows counteracting them. He hurt me, all the time, and yet I couldn’t stop thinking about him. The way he looked when he genuinely smiled, how he could look even younger than me when he was sleeping, what his body felt like as he relaxed into me when it was just us together, and a million other things that went mostly unseen by anyone but me. He had hidden his true self away for so long that I was surprised we had found that caring person he truly could be. And yes he was never perfect at it; his two sides warred sometimes, the angel and the demon sitting on his shoulders. I saw the struggle in him, like when he came to see me in the hospital after my accident. He had been worried about _me_ , but he had also been worried about losing Chrissie if my mum or Paddy said anything. I knew he was as messed up as I was, he just hid it better. But truthfully right now, I had no strength to give him any pity, I was just desperately lonely.

_Buzz, buzz, buzz_

I knew it was my mum before I even answered. She was the only one to call me so early, at least Paddy had the decency to wait until a reasonable hour. And honestly they were the only two that ever called. I had tried Adam once or twice but now that I was gone the scrapyard was taking most of him time and we hadn’t actually spoken since I left.

“Yeah?”

“Good morning!”

“Seriously, how are you so chipper at 7:00 in the morning? You’re not a morning person, so don’t go pretending on my behalf.”

“Aaron, love…”

“And how do you know you didn’t wake me up? Did you ever think about that?”

“Did I wake you up?”

“Maybe”

“Maybe? That means no. Why are you up so early? Or are you just getting in?”

…………….sigh

“Aaron, you there love? Hello? Hey don’t go ignoring your mother!”

“I’m still here mum, just waiting to figure out how to respond to that. Normally I’d just hang up on you.”

“Oy, don’t I know it?!”

She’s silent for a few moments. This is how our calls seem to be going of late. We make small talk for a few minutes and then things get silent and awkward. She use to try to update me on goings on in the village, but we both realized after the first few days that made things worse. One time she even mentioned Home Farm in an attempt to fill the silence, I had actually hung up on her after that.

So now we have nothing to talk about, I’m not doing anything here except sitting in my hotel room slowing throwing away the money Paddy had lent me. And she doesn’t bring up home because I don’t want to know what was happening without me. There is a wall slowly going up between us, it hurts, and I know it hurts her, and I didn’t blame anyone for this except Robert. I hate him and I miss him. I want to never hear of him again yet I am desperate for any piece of news about him. It was doing my head in and I didn’t know how much longer I could go on like this. I had promised my mum and Paddy that I could handle this, that I wouldn’t hurt myself again, that I wouldn’t let Robert get to me. But once that is a part of you it’s not so easy to let it go. It feels like a cycle that repeats over and over again. Some cycles are worse some are better, but the knowledge of it is always there. Something had to change soon.

“Mum?”

“Aaron?”

“I think I need to go back to France.”

Silence…not the first thing I expect from my mum.

“No, Aaron you don’t.”

“I do, I thought London was far enough. I thought if I found a job here, found a place to belong it would work out.”

“It’s only been a week love, you’ll find something. And I’m coming down in a few days to visit. Just sit tight and we’ll talk when I get there.”

“No, I need to go now. I have contacts from some of my jobs I did last time I was there. I’ll call them and see if anything is open.”

“Why Aaron, why do you have to keep running?”

Tears sprung to my eyes, “He feels to close here. Like he can show up any time and he’ll pull me back in. I’ve tried…I’m _trying_ to be better. But I can’t be completely free of him when I know he’s a two hour train ride away. I’ve become addicted to him, I realize that now, and I have to go completely off of him if I have any hope of recovering.” The tears that threatened to spill over before I even began talking are now flowing freely done my face unchecked.

Silence…again.

Then, “Alright love, alright.”


	3. The First Week Apart-Robert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's been gone for a week. How is Robert dealing with it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I probably should have warned you all that I like a slow burn and a lot of angst. The next few chapters will start to pick up though, I promise!
> 
> As with almost any story with Aaron as a main character there are going to be subtle references to his past including the self-harm. I'll try and make sure I put a warning in any time there are specific mentions of it, including in this chapter.

** Chapter 3 - The First Week Apart **

****

** Robert **

                _“Upstairs, now!” It came out of my mouth before I could think anything else. The need for Aaron was greater than anything I felt at that moment. I didn’t want to think about anything except the desire that was running through me right now. It was intoxicating._

_Hearing Aaron’s footsteps behind, following me into the darkness was a sound that I never knew could bring so much pleasure. I turned at the top of the stairs only to ask which door to head to, instead Aaron crushed his mouth to mine, hands on my hips guiding me to his room. Once there our desire for each other was all consuming._

_I was desperate to get to Aaron’s naked body, my fingers itching to run them over everywhere he would let me. Finally I slid my hands up under his shirt as he kicked the door closed behind us. It was taking everything in me not to start ripping off all of his clothes. He stilled as my fingers ran over what felt like a scar, he stopped kissing me completely as my thumb ran over another one. His eyes, wide with desire but also anxiety were searching mine desperately. I wasn’t sure what it meant, why he had stopped, my brain was to fuzzy with the ever growing need that he could only fill. I pressed my mouth to his again, pulling at his waist and losing myself in the feeling of his breath and body against me. It was only later as we were redressing and I could fully see the scars covering his torso that I realized Aaron Livesy had maybe been through more pain than I could understand._

                “Robert? Robert? ROBERT! Are you even listening to me?” Her shrill voice broke through my memory.

                “Yes, of course I am. Just thinking about what you said.”

                “I mean it Robert, if I’m giving you this chance for Lucky’s sake you better not get on my bad side again.” She was staring daggers at me, and I knew what she was capable of after the mess with Donny, but I had made it back into the house. Granted I was sleeping in the guest room but at least I was out of the pub. There were too many reminders there that could potentially cause me to lose focus on my ultimate goal. I had to be back on good terms with Chrissie. Currently I had Lachlan to thank for any progress that was being made, particularly my return to Home Farm.

                I still hadn’t worked out completely why he was fighting my corner. Yes, he had come to me and given me that speech about being the only person who had acted like a dad to him. But there was much more to it. He wanted something from me, I read it in his eyes as soon as he had walked into the pub. I knew that look well because it was so often reflected in my mirror.

                “I know Chrissie. I just want you to want me here as well. You know you mean everything to me.” I was hoping my best pleading voice and begging eyes were working, they usually did. Chrissie was looking through me though. I knew she had that nagging thought in the back of her mind that said she couldn’t trust me. I had seen it in enough people, most recently Aar... _him_.

                “We’ll see Robert. You do right by my son and continue to be worth your weight in business for my father and you might begin to earn your spot back in this family.”

                “You know I’ll do all that and more for this family. But what about us Chrissie? You and me, what can I do to earn your trust again? What if we start small? Can I take you to the pub for dinner?” Honestly it’s the last pace I want to go, but I have little to no hope of convincing Chrissie of going any other place with me. “ _Chrissie is my priority”_ I repeat to myself for what feels like the 1000 th time since he left.

                She’s starting at me again. This time without the hatred in her eyes, but they are still as cold as ice. I know she’s trying to work it all out because I can see her wheels turning. I can see the moment she starts to give in, the subtle change in her face and body language. The way she struggles with it initially, then goes back to being committed to her anger. The battle going on inside her is so evident to see, even though she hasn’t moved an inch and her face has shown no significant change. This is one of the reasons I’m so good at my job. I can read people: business contacts, lawyers, even those in my personal life: Chrissie, Lawrence, Andy, Diane, Chas, _him_ – I can see what they think before they even know they’re thinking it.

                _And you used that against Aaron didn’t you? You drove him to hurt himself._ The voice in my head, which never really leaves me, is back.

                Not now, I’m in the middle of something important.

                _You left him with Katie because you knew if you begged him for help he would do anything for you. He confessed his love to you and you threw it back in his face. He was an open book and you hid behind so many locked doors and gates you could only see your ruin in what happened to her. You knew what dealing with her death would do to him. But you didn’t care, you left him, and you never stopped leaving him when he needed you most._

Shut up, just please shut up. I can’t do this now. Not now, not ever.

                “Alright.”

I bet I’ll have a strain in my neck from turning it around so fast at the sound of her voice.

                “Alright? You mean you’ll go with me?”

                With a withering look at me she said, “Yes Robert, I’ll have dinner with you.”

                As I stand in front of the pub now I know I can’t do this. I can’t walk in there. I’ve managed to avoid this place since the night he left. Ultimately staying at the B&B while I worked my hardest to get back to Home Farm. I had met Vic at the Café, only talked to Diane on the phone, not even had a drink in the last week just to avoid this. He was everywhere here, and I couldn’t afford that distraction. I expected to see him at any moment, even though I knew he was still gone. The village had been full of nothing but gossip since he had disappeared. No one knew why he left except Chas, Paddy, and myself. Chas and Paddy weren’t talking about it, only saying that Aaron had some things to take care of out of town. And no one knew, or would even think, to ask me about it.

                I thought about him though. In those moments right before I fell asleep, as I was losing consciousness he was there. As my body and mind relaxed he seeped into my thoughts. His face as he smiled at me when I wound him up for the fun of it. The look he got on his face when he was feeling particularly cheeky. The way his eyes shifted down to my mouth before we kissed. His eyes boring into me as he laid beneath me, then tilting his head back as he reached his climax. The way he would hold onto me those few nights we were able to stay together as if I was a lifeboat and he had been tossed into the sea.  All of it was still there, and I feared it was not going to be gone any time soon. But I had kept it at bay for this long and was confident I could keep it up. He was gone, which was a blessing. Right? I could focus on Chrissie and recovering everything I had lost. I had accomplished so much this week. I was back at Home Farm, work was picking up, and now I had convinced Chrissie to go out with me. Everything that mattered most in my life was falling back into place.

                _Oh Robert, why are you lying to yourself?_

               

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not gonna lie...this was rough to write. They aren't in a happy place and I can never get my head around writing for Chrissie or Lachlan (I'm trying to work on it though.)
> 
> BTW the title for this work comes from a twenty one pilots song. It's part of a lyric from House of Gold. 
> 
> As always you can find me on tumblr at http://myfavorite26.tumblr.com/


	4. The First Month Apart - Aaron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron finally finds work...and a somewhat familiar face along the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry everyone! I've become the person who promises regular updates and then stares at a blank screen for three days trying to figure out what to write. I will have more time over the next few weeks to write so I'm going to once again promise regular updates and hope that keeps me on task.
> 
> Once again just a reminder that this is going to be a slow burn, I love the angst! 
> 
> Enjoy!

** Chapter 4: The First Month Apart – Aaron **

****

** Aaron **

                _“Say it again.”_

_“I love you.”_

_It was so easy to believe in that moment. He was there when I needed him most that day. He was worried about me. He had seen my struggle and even though he had gone about it in the most Robert like way, seriously winding me up, he had taken care of me. There was so much else to deal with but for one fleeting moment he had said the three words I craved most from everyone in my life. To know there were people out there who loved me, who saw me for who I truly was and continued to want to be there for me was like oxygen; I couldn’t live without it._

_I challenged him, put him to task; I didn’t trust that I had heard him right the first time and a large part of me wanted to make sure I had truly heard those words come out of his mouth. His eyes close, the warmth radiating off of his body, and the scent of his damn cologne was intoxicating; and then he said it…again. But I couldn’t give him the satisfaction of hearing it back…he had to earn that. Too bad I never got around to saying it._

                “Oy, Livesy! Stop faffing around and get over here and help me! I don’t pay you sit about twiddling your thumbs all day.”

                “Yeah boss, be right there.”

                Robert sodding Sugden was still causing me grief. It felt like I was never going to be rid of him, and that hurt much more than I wanted to admit in this moment.

                I had made it to France just two weeks after leaving the village. Fortunately I still had some contacts here, and started making calls the same day I had spoken to my mum. I contacted the only three people I had numbers for in France, unfortunately none of them had anything open. Fearing the worst and starting to panic about what my next prospects were, I unexpectedly received a call back.

I had worked in Christophe’s’ garage just before I coming home. He was a nice enough guy and had given me a shot before, when he had nothing to go on except my word that I could be a help to him. It was my good luck that the other two ‘mechanics’ working for him at the time were absolute rubbish and he kept me on and sacked them. I felt terrible when I had had to leave 6 months later, but he was understanding when I said it was a family matter I had to get home to. While technically it was a lie Adam was as good as family, but it still made me feel guilty for leaving Christophe in such a state.

That’s why I was so surprised when he called back with an option. He was not in a place to take anyone on but he had a friend, a British ex-pat actually, who had a garage and needed some help. Christophe must have given me the most glowing reference ever because Tommy was willing to take me on, sight unseen. That was how I found myself trying to figure out where the hell Brest was and how I was going to get there.

“Seriously Livesy, it’s like sometimes you are light years away. Did your last boss let you daydream that much? Good thing you’re good at your work, or I’d can your arse!”

I had quickly learned that Tommy liked to constantly take the piss out of everyone. It’s probably why those who worked for him, there were only three of us, were British. We could handle him, the French usually took offense. But he had a reputation as a fair and honest mechanic, who worked efficiently and wouldn’t overcharge. As a result we were always busy and I fell into bed most nights exhausted.

I appreciated this more than Tommy would ever know. Night time had always been difficult, even when I was home and in a positive place. My mind would run on overdrive and whatever thoughts I had been trying to forget throughout the day would flap around like butterflies, or eagles, depending on what was going on. In the past 6 months I hadn’t gotten more than 5 hours of sleep in one night. I couldn’t quiet my mind, even when I was exhausted from the running or from work at the scrapyard, it would take me at least an hour to get to bed each night. The week at Home Farm didn’t count, but I had relished what it felt like to get a full night’s sleep, though the aftermath had caused a week straight of sleepless nights, so they balanced each other out.

Now though I was asleep almost as soon as my head hit the pillow. However that didn’t stop the dreams. Some were enough to wake me up, like the one where I kept running after Robert, calling for him not to leave me, only to run right off the edge of the quarry, waking just before hitting the ground. Or another recurring one in which we had somehow been outed to the village but Robert was at Chrissie’s feet begging and pleading for her not to leave him (this one felt too close to reality and had kept me up for hours afterward). Others weren’t bad enough to wake me up, but I had the unfortunate luck to be able to remember almost all of them. A few mornings the longing for him was so great after my dreams that I had dialed his number, but always stopped myself and threw my phone down in disgust before pressing send.

I had been working for Tommy for just over two weeks, I had found a flat that wasn’t too terrible and I was finally finding my way around this city. The wharf and universities kept the city active and the landscape around was gorgeous, at least that’s what I had been told. I had only seen the garage, my flat, the market, and local pub. The boys had asked me round once and I had gone only after much ribbing and the promise of as many free pints I could drink. I had one and then left, being out in company was more than I wanted right now. I wasn’t sure what the others thought of me, and I wasn’t really bothered about it. I did my job well, kept my head down, and didn’t make any enemies. For me that was the best anyone could ask.

“Look Livesy, Bill’s out testing a car and this bloke needs something and seems to only speak French see if you can work out what he wants, yeah?”

I blanched at him, “I don’t speak anymore French than you do. That’s why we have Bill around. Why didn’t you send me out to test the car?”

“Just talk to him, do the best you can.”

I continued to stare at him rooted to the spot.

“Go!”

I turned around in a huff, knowing it wasn’t going to do any good sighing and groaning on about it. Tommy wouldn’t relent. Maybe the guy would just give up before I embarrassed myself too much. I had tried to learn some French when I was here last time. A few important phrases had stuck, but not much else. Now it had been so long since I had spoken any French regularly I hardly remembered anything.

“Bonjour.” That was as good a place to start as any. The blonde man turned around at the sound of my greeting.

“Bonjour, je besoin d'aide avec moi voiture.”

“Uh, do you speak any English?”

He stared at me through narrowed eyes. He was either trying to figure out what I had said or getting ready to start yelling at me because he had understood what I had said, I wasn’t sure which it was.

“Yes, of course I speak English.”

I sigh audibly at that, but instantly feel annoyed that Tommy had sent me over here.

“Why didn’t you just tell my boss you speak English?” Annoyance dripping from my voice, this is why I don’t deal with customers.

“He never asked if I spoke English. He just assumed I did and starting speaking to me. He could have at least made an effort.”

I stare at him incredulously, and then start laughing. His blue eyes narrow even more than before, his jaw clenches and I’m sure he’s ready to walk out of the garage. He stares at my name badge for a moment, then says, “Aaron do you always make a habit of laughing at your customers?”

Choking back the laugh still lodged in my throat I try and control myself. Tommy wouldn’t be happy if I lost a customer, though he’s lost enough of them himself, and I’m still on tenuous footing with him seeing as I’m the new one.

“No, no, not at all. I wasn’t laughing at you. I just…um…” But I couldn’t come up with anything, anything at all, absolutely nothing came to mind. Though there was a small thought in the back of my head about why I had the reaction I did, but now wasn’t the time to examine that.

After a long moment of which I stood with my mouth opening trying to think some something to say and recover some semblance of professionalism, I found a set of keys being thrown my way.

“Just fix my car.” He handed me a business card and left.

Looking down at the card in my hand that has Sebastian Roussel written across it, his phone number and the logo of the company he works for in the corner I’m not entirely sure what just happened. Tommy’s voice finally rouses me out of my stupor.

“Nice going Livesy, let’s see what he brought us?”

As we step around the corner I can only laugh again as I see the car sitting in front of me. It’s almost too perfect. Between the blonde hair, leather jacket, attitude, and now the white Audi sitting in front of me I’m sure I’ve just met the French version of Robert. And if I don’t laugh right now, I’m not sure what I’ll do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr - myfavorite26.tumblr.com


	5. The First Month Apart - Robert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's been gone for a month...how is Robert handling life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm SO sorry this is late! To make up for it, the chapter is a long one. I'll keep updating as regularly as I can, hopefully every week now that I have some time.

** The First Month Apart **

****

**Robert**

 

 

                _“Come on, you had to have some fun while you were there?”_

_“I worked a lot, ate some of the weirdest things people have ever tried eating, couldn’t find a decent pint to save my life, oh yeah and broke up with my boyfriend. So no Robert, France was not fun.”_

_“But the wine, and the culture, and it’s such a gorgeous place. You can’t tell me you didn’t appreciate any of that?”_

_He just gave me a withering look, one I couldn’t help half-smile at. I knew he wouldn’t have been interested in any of that._

_“So what did you do while you were there?”_

_“I just told you, you idiot.”_

_Something he said though was bothering me and before I could stop myself I had to ask, “You mentioned a boyfriend. Why’d you break up with him?”_

_He rolled over onto his side and propped himself up on his elbow. Leveling me with a stare a smirk growing on his face, “Jealous are we?”_

_I huffed out a strangled sigh, but didn’t answer him directly. “I’m just trying to fill the silence until you’ve recovered enough.”_

_He laughed as I rolled over on top of him, kissing him deeply, shucking the bed clothes from us both and hoping I had given him enough time, because I couldn’t wait any longer._

“He hates France. There is no way he would go to live there.”

Chrissie looks at me with condescension, “How would you know that? You were hardly mates, why would he tell you something like that?”

Shock is all I am currently registering so coming up with an excuse is taking longer than it normally does. Chrissie notices and narrows her eyed threateningly.

“Diane said something about it once.” It’s lame and I know it won’t hold as an excuse for long if I don’t distract her with something else. “Why were you at the pub anyway?”

As she drabbles on about having a meeting at the pub and overhearing Diane and Chas talking I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding in.

He had left.

Not only left, but had moved, to another country.

_Why do you think he left? asked a  familiar voice, dripping with sarcasm._

I shake my head to clear it, unnoticed by Chrissie as she had continues to talk. I need to focus on what she’s saying, _not_ on why finding out Aaron had left the country feels like a punch to the stomach.

 I’ve slowly been working my way back into the life that is essential to me. I had been proving my worth to Chrissie just as she had asked of me. I was working my tail off to be everything she needed me to be. I had been courting new clients, trying to make as much money as possible for Lawrence. I had become ruthless when dealing with contracts, not giving an inch, sometimes bullying people into something I knew wasn’t ethical. But if anyone balked, it wasn’t going to be Lawrence or Chrissie and that’s who mattered.

Lachlan had been a little trickier to handle. I though he had been looking forward to me coming home, just because he had wanted me there. I should have known it could not be that simple. He knew that begging his mom to let me stay had been the most crucial reason for me to be allowed back at Home Farm. And he started worked every angle he could, ultimately blackmailing me to get my help in having Chrissie restore all of the privileges he had lost. His requests were becoming more and more outlandish, I knew there would come a point that I finally had to say no, but I was putting it off as long as I could. Even though he was a right little bastard, and I could hardly stand the sight of him, he had gotten me back to Chrissie.

Progress with Chrissie was…well I honestly don’t know. She remained closed off for the most part. I was the perfect loving husband, always at her beck and call, trying to go above and beyond. I had taken to making dinner and including all her favorite foods, running any errands I could for her, showering her with flowers and gifts, and making nice with Lawrence and Lachlan. I’m not sure I could do much else to make her love and forgive me. I’ve still been sleeping in the guest room and I’m not sure how soon that’s going to change.

I finally convinced her to let me take her on a date just last week. We went to her favorite restaurant, I had a special table set up, ordered champagne, had flowers waiting for her, and had the chef make her favorite dessert. Her anger at me seem to temper as the night went on. I was my most charming self, piling on the compliments, wanting to talk about whatever she did, filling the silences with questions that would keep her talking and happy. It had been exhausting, but it had helped. She now only looked at me with slight contempt, not borderline hostility, I had even managed to get a few smiles out of her over the past week and a half. But now she was in front of me actually having a real conversation with me and Aaron’s face kept floating through my mind, son of a bitch.

Chrissie had stopped talking and turned her focus back to her computer, content that I had heard what she said and had nothing more to say to me.

The next words fall out of my mouth before I have time to analyze them, which usually means it’s a bad idea, “Why don’t I take you to the pub for dinner tonight?”

She doesn’t even lift her eyes for her computer to look at me as she gives me an exasperated “alright.”

Shit, now I was in it. I hadn’t been in the pub since I had taken Chrissie there that first week he had left. I had been too busy rebuilding my life to worry about going to the pub often. I had seen Vic and Diane around some but not regularly. They both knew I had to make Chrissie my priority and had actually been supportive of me taking the time to devote to her. Even Andy had phoned one day out of the blue to see how I was doing. I’m sure Diane asked him to, but still it was nice to feel something like my family was supporting me.

_You don’t deserve it._

I put my work away, the survey Lawrence had wanted done tonight would have to wait for the morning.

“If you’re done with your work Robert, why don’t you see if Lucky and dad want to join us?”

Thankfully she was so absorbed in her work she seemed to miss the small sigh of protest that bubbled up in my throat. A ‘happy’ family dinner wasn’t what I had in mind when I asked her to dinner. I slowly breathe out, controlling my emotions with years of learned restraint.

“That sounds like a great idea, I’ll go see if they’re free.”

Hopefully, by some miracle, they will both be busy or not want to go. At this point all I have is hope.

I catch up with Lawrence sitting in the kitchen with a cup of tea reading something that seems to keep his interest enough to not notice my entering the room. Trying to not actually be welcoming and inviting while giving someone an invitation is ridiculous but let’s see if I can manage it. Clearing my throat finally snaps Lawrence out of the reverie he is in while reading.

“I invited Chrissie to go the pub with me for dinner and she wanted to see if you would like to join us?” Praying that Lawrence gets the un-invitation to eat dinner with us, I hold a mental breath and wait for his answer.

Taking his time to get a sip of tea, putting his book down, and turning to fully face me seems like an eternity. He looks at me through hooded eyes and as always I could see the wheels turning in his head. Honestly he and his daughter were as easy to read as an open book, although begrudgingly I have to admit Lachlan was able to stump me every now and then, not any easy feat.

The current look in his eye means he is trying to figure out if there was any benefit for him to go with us. Granted Lawrence had been, if not supportive, at least not a hindrance in my and Chrissie’s reunion. And thank God Chrissie had not told him why she was angry at me in the first place, I still shudder to think what he could be capable of if he ever found out that secret. Seemingly coming up with no advantage to joining us he opens his book back up and says, “Thank you for the _invitation_ , but I’m not much in the mood to go out tonight.”

Silently thanking God that I have cleared one hurdle, I go looking for Lachlan. I wonder what Chrissie would say if I told her I hadn’t been able to find him and that we should just go on ahead. She’d probably call out the search party again just to find him hiding in his room. Unfortunately I find him in the first place I look, his room.

“Hey Lachlan, your mum and I are going to the pub for dinner and she wanted me to invite you to go.” He is shrewd enough to hear the disdain in my voice about the idea, but knowing him he won’t care.

Not even lifting his head from his computer he makes an impatient noise and then says, “With an invitation like that how could I say no?”

Deflating at the idea that he was ultimately going with us I asked him to get his shoes on and meet us downstairs in a few minutes. As I was walk out of the room though he speaks.

“What’s it worth to you if I don’t go?”

Ah, there he is, the Lucky I’ve come to know and despise. Releasing the sigh that is always around when dealing with him, I concentrate on choosing my words carefully. He is smart, smarter than I ever gave him credit for and he could pick apart my words and agreements more quickly than some business contacts that negotiate for a living. Honestly it was getting exhausting between him, Chrissie, and Lawrence I never felt like I could take a full breath. I’m always on my guard, concentrating so hard on how to handle every situation, picking and choosing every single word and thought so carefully there were starting to be times I wondered if I could handle it all. I knew it was all vital to my life here, but in the last few days I could feel the cracks forming. For once I just wanted something to be easy.

“Lachlan, if you want to join us then do. If not, you don’t have to come. There’s nothing in it for me one way or the other. If you aren’t downstairs in five minutes then we’ll leave without you.” With that I walk out of the room, not caring if he follows at this point.

Taking a moment at the top of the stairs I try and collect myself, taking a minute to relax and focus on slowing my heartbeat as well as my brain. I’m just realizing what toll the stress of the past month has taken on me. No thought feels completely my own. Nothing I’ve done has been entirely what I’ve wanted. Only the ultimate goal of winning my life back here has been my decision. I have to be here, I can’t let anything… _or anyone_ …interfere with that.

                _Wouldn’t you be happier with Aaron?_

I’m so shocked by this question from the voice in my head that I don’t hear Chrissie coming up the stairs calling my name until she is in my face.

“Robert! I’ve been calling you from the bottom of the stairs for ages, what’s gotten into you? I said I was ready to go.”

She’s annoyed with me but I’m having trouble focusing on her. My mind is fuzzy as images of Aaron and me eating dinner at the pub, happy and together fight with the picture I truly want which is Chrissie and me going to have dinner together. My mind finally focuses in on the face in front of me, I give my head a slight shake and force a hopefully confident smile onto my face.

“Sorry, my love, I was just struck with a brilliant idea for the farm and got lost in thought. But if you’re ready to go we can head out. Your dad said he’d like to stay in and Lachlan seems content to stay here as well, not wanting to be a third wheel and all.”

 

The pub is busy. Busier than I was hoping for. Walking in with confidence and a smug look on my face that I’ve become accustomed to plastering on in all public settings over the last month, Chas catches my eye immediately and gives me a knowing smile. She’s not going to make this easy and Chrissie’s presence will only make her bolder. Deciding it’s better to get this over with I tell Chrissie to find a table and I’d go to the bar and order.

“Alright Chas?”

“Course Robert, any reason not to be?”

“Just making sure. Wouldn’t want there to be any, ah…issues while I’m here.”

“Why would there be any problems with you being here?” sarcasm is dripping off her voice. “I don’t have a problem with you having dinner with your wife in the same building you carried on an affair with my son. Although she might have an issue if she ever found out.”

She clicks her tongue and pauses for a moment, she knows she has me by rights. I can’t deny what she has said, she knows it’s the truth and so do I, why make a scene when it won’t do me any good. It’s just one more distraction, another thing to exhaust me, and I can’t handle any more.

Chas opens her mouth to say something but is interrupted by her phone ringing. She pulls it out of her pocket, looks down at the number and a wide smile crosses her face. She looks directly at me as she answers, “Aaron, how are you love?” She continues to stare at me, focusing on what Aaron is saying but obviously gauging my reaction to having a piece of him so close.

I try and keep my face passive, it’s the best I can hope for, as I stare back into Chas’s smug face. She listens intensely to Aaron for a moment then asked pointedly, “What did you say his name was again?” She pauses for Aaron to answer and then asks even more deliberately, “And he’s French?” She smiles at me then turns her back before saying, “Just a mo love, I need to get away from the bar so I can hear you better.” She walks into the back room still talking to him, and I’m left staring into the empty doorway. The breath I was holding slowly escapes and all I crave at the moment is to hear Aaron’s voice. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Find me on tumblr - myfavorite26.tumblr.com


	6. Six Months Apart - Aaron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Silence follows, a very long silence, and I’m wondering if she’s hung up.
> 
> “Because he’s Robert Sugden. He’s messed up his life and the lives of those around him, and he’s drunk more often than not these days.”
> 
> It’s the most she’s said about him in 6 months’ time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I'm a week late...again! I'm sorry! Time to write has been in short supply lately, but I'm trying to work ahead when/if I can. Enjoy!

** Six Months Apart **

****

**Aaron**

_"I know you got a perfect little life and I’m not in it. So go back to your wife Robert.”_

_“And you’re not gonna be texting me the minute I’m out that door saying you made a mistake?”_

_“You won’t be hearing from me. Not anymore.”_

_5 minutes and it was over. He walked away, and I let him. A small part of me did want to run after him, tell him to forget it, that I was an idiot and I would take whatever I could get._

_But then pieces of other arguments and the words he had said to me started running through my head,_

_“From now on we go back to being strangers,”_

_“You mean nothing to me.”_

_“This isn’t a love story.”_

_Those words, the way they were said, the look on his face when he said them and ultimately the way they had made me feel rooted my feet to the ground and stopped me from reaching for my phone._

_His arrogance, his need to keep the life he was leading intact, the way he could move from being open and caring to closed and malicious would mean it would never work. I was finally strong enough to realize that and I needed to keep to my resolve._

_If I’d only known a month later I’d be back in it with Robert I might not have been so confident._

I’m still angry at myself for letting him worm his way back in. I was angry because I thought myself stronger than that. Well now I am stronger, it’s six months on and I have cut him completely out of my life. I am not going to let arrogant, spiteful, Robert sodding Sugden ruin me again. I have moved on and am finally living life on my own terms.

France is, if nothing else, different this time around. I am older now; there is no one else here to take care of me, or show me what is what, or help take care of the bills. I have become (almost) entirely self-sufficient. Yeah, alright I still live on beans and toast some nights, and I’m hopeless with laundry and most domestic duties. But I’m managing to keep my flat relatively clean, and not entirely burn all of the food I try to make. And yes there have been days where I wear the same socks two days in a row, but honestly it could be worse.

I truly like my job and the people I work with. Bill and Mike, the other mechanics at the garage with me, aren’t so bad. They both have families and I’m often invited around for dinner, or to one of their kid’s birthday parties. Many nights we end up going out for a drink after work. Usually it’s just one pint and then they have to get home, but more and more they are starting to feel like mates. We wind each other up, take the piss, and have no problem working side by side day in and day out. It is more than I could have hoped for when moving to an entirely different country and getting a job sight unseen.

 Tommy is becoming more and more like a father figure. He’s a gruffer, less patient version of Paddy, and he isn’t afraid to tell you to do one if he feels like it. He doesn’t flinch in telling you if you are being a complete idiot, but he is the first to have your back if needed.

He was the first one to find out I’m gay, but he didn’t even bat an eyelash. When I told him he stared at me thoughtfully for half a moment, and then in a normal Tommy like manner he told me that the car I was working on had been promised to the owner in just under an hour and that I should get back to work, if I knew what was good for me. Bill and Mike found out not long after and continued to take the mickey but it was fine, they would have done it whether I was interested in dating a woman instead of a bloke.

As if I have time, or the patience, to date. Sebastian had been persistent for a while, he actually purposely broke his car at least once just to come back to the garage. I turned him down flatly for what felt like months on end. But after too much ribbing from Bill and Mike, as well as Tommy, I gave in and agreed to go out with him. Our date had lasted all of ten minutes. I realized, very quickly, just how much he was like Robert. He had all of Roberts’ looks and his negative qualities, and I escaped as fast as I could. He fortunately got the hint and never came back. I focused on work after that, and I haven’t had another date the rest of the time I have been here. I don’t see that changing any time soon.

I’ve fallen into a routine, and it’s the best thing for me. Work is steady, I make decent cash, and it feels good to be working with my hands day in and day out. Knowing I’m working hard and then being able to come home to my own place each night makes me happy. Well maybe not absolutely happy, but at least fulfilled.

My mum, Paddy, Adam and Vic, are the only four people I talk to from home, but it’s enough. Hearing of the village now doesn’t put a gaping hole in my chest, if anything it’s comforting to hear the gossip and trifles happening in Emmerdale. I know who’s currently mad at who, what business is having money issues, what couples’ marriage may be on the rocks, how the scrapyard is doing, who has a new car they can’t afford, and anything and everything my mum hears at the pub. I also get whatever Paddy and Vic seem to think I need to know as well.  

Adam usually just asks about the cars I get to work on and gives me updates about the scrapyard. It took him awhile to come around after I just left him in the lurch. He had a few choice words to say to me, and hadn’t understood why I couldn’t tell him why I had left. Eventually, though, he stopped asking and we were able to move on. I think Vic had more to do with that then my stuttering on when trying to explain my absence without _really_ explaining my absence.

No one mentions Robert. Or Chrissie, Lawrence, Lachlan or Home Farm for that matter. I don’t expect my mum or Paddy to, but I thought Vic and Adam might seeing as Robert is Vic’s brother. But nothing comes up. If my mum has said something to them about avoiding the subject of Robert and the Whites’ I don’t how she would have explained the why, but it was appreciated none the less.

That’s why when Adam mentions Robert’s name just now I’m thrown off.

“Adam, what was that?”

Adam hesitates and my suspicion that my mum has told him to avoid the subject of Robert is confirmed, “Nothing really. Never mind, just forget it.”

“No Adam, what did Robert do, I can tell it’s something. You can’t forget how well I know when you’re hiding something?”

Adam lets out a long sigh and haltingly starts his story.

“It’s just that Robert has been hanging around the scrapyard the last month or so. Wanting to check the books, see what kind of money I’m pulling in and where the expenses are going. He’s been acting…differently…for a while. And now he’s at the scrapyard every day. Sometimes he just checks the books and leaves, other times….he sits at your desk and goes through orders and other paperwork, and then sometimes he offers to….pitch in helping move scrap and drive the truck. I can’t really say no since he’s a partner in the business. It’s like he wants…I don’t know…to always be there. But just this week he’s said some….things that could maybe….make it seem like….I could see him…..he has reasons to pull his investment.”

Adam is holding back information, that’s why he’s stumbling so badly and the last words fall out of his mouth as almost one continuous word. There is more to the story and I need to get Adam to tell me what it is. I ignore the part of my brain that asks if it’s because I only want to help out the predicament Adam’s in or because this the first I’ve heard anything about Robert and I want to get as much info as I can. Content as I might be with my life in France, not hearing a word about him for almost 6 months has made me curious as to what he’s been up to.

“Why do you think he’s going to pull his investment? What happened?” A quick memory of the conversation that I had with Robert when told me he had only put into the scrapyard what he could afford to lose flashes through my mind. Why had that changed all of a sudden? I push back the rest of that conversation we’d had in front on Home Farm, reminding myself that it’s not important anymore, as I wait impatiently for Adam’s response.

“Mate, don’t worry about it. I don’t why I mentioned any of it. I’ll take care of it from here.”

“No Adam, hang on. I can help if you need it. I have some money saved up I can send you. Besides we went into the business as partners, I’m not gonna leave you hanging now.”

“Listen Aaron, don’t worry about it. And maybe don’t mention this to anyone. I don’t want to worry Vic and well Chas….Hey I gotta run. I’ll talk to you later.” With that there was a click and the line goes dead.

I sit in my flat in complete confusion, what was that all about? What is Robert up to? He had said that he could afford to lose the ten grand he had put into the scrapyard, so why might he want or need it back? Adam wasn’t even sure if he was going to pull out, right? The word _maybe_ had been a part of that last sentence but so had the word _reasons_? What reasons did he have? Other words though also started working their way in…. _”he’s at the scrapyard everyday….he sits at your desk…..he’s been acting differently for a while.”_ What was Robert playing at? My phone is still in my hands and I have the power to get all the answers I need right now. I pull up Roberts’ number and stare at it, the thought of calling him, of hearing his voice, when I truly am in such a good place is frightening . What if…

_RING! RING! RING!_

The loud noise in the silent room and the buzzing from the phone in my hand make me jump. I look down and see my mums’ number show up on the screen. Concern rises in me as I think she somehow knows what I was about to do, that Adam told her about our conversation. Then I look at the time and realize it’s our normal Sunday call. Releasing a breath and forcing myself to calm my nerves and hopefully say hi with a normal voice I pick up the call.

“Hiya.” Alright that was normal, maybe a little flat but hopefully she wouldn’t notice.

“HI love! All right?”

“Yeah of course. Just got off the phone with Adam.”

A slight pause follows this statement, but I’m thinking (hoping) that she’s just distracted by something in the pub because I can hear the buzz of patrons from over the phone.

“All good here. So how’s work?” And with that we fall into our usual conversation. We talk about both our works, I get any gossip from the village that she feels like sharing, she asks about Bill, Mike, and Tommy, and what I did with my time this week. She gets interrupted occasionally because she’s still at work and I hear shouts of hello from the other end when she tells people who she’s talking to.

The more we prattle on about nothing, the more frustrated I get. I can tell she’s filling space, giving me more crap than usual to have something to say. We always avoid Robert, but suddenly it feels like he’s the pink elephant in the room and taking up more space than ever. I’m not angry, or upset, just curious. What is Robert up to? And if Adam really needs my help then I have to go back. But I’m not sure if I can trust my mum to tell me the truth. All of this swirls in my head and I think I’ve gotten the guts to ask when I hear a loud noise from the other end of the phone. It sounds like someone is banging on the bar and shouting at the top of their lungs.

“What the fuck do you mean I can’t have another?! This is a fucking pub and if I want a drink, I’ll get a drink!” The voice is familiar, but rougher, angrier, and more drunk than I’ve ever heard, but it’s still unmistakable. I hear more voices in the background, not as distinct and certainly not as loud, trying to quiet him down and get him out of the pub from the sounds of the scuffles and shouts I hear.

Robert is drunk and he’s mouthing off about wanting more. Wait…Robert doesn’t get drunk, at least not in public, and he definitely doesn’t go shouting off in the middle of the pub.

“Aaron, love I’m gonna have to call you back.”

“Wait, mum is that Robert?”

Over the phone I hear, “Chas! Chas, who’re talking to? Is that Aaron? You always talk to Aaron now. It’s Aaron isn’t it?”

“Bye love, I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

The phone goes dead, and I’m left stunned and confused once again. When had I stood up? Why was I holding the phone so tightly that it was hurting my hand? _Why was Robert so drunk?_ Nothing in the past hour has made much sense and I can’t believe I’m once again this worried about that arsehole. No, not worried, curious.

My phone is ringing again and I pick it up quickly.

“Mum?”

“Alright love, where were we? Oh yeah, Leo was doing the most ador…”

“Mum, STOP!”

“What Aaron? There’s no need to be so rude.”

I let out a slow, long sigh and try to regain my composure before going on.

“Was that Robert?”

“Yes.”

“And he was drunk?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

Silence follows, a very long silence, and I’m wondering if she’s hung up.

“Because he’s Robert Sugden. He’s messed up his life and the lives of those around him, and he’s drunk more often than not these days.”

It’s the most she’s said about him in 6 months’ time.

“What…what’s happened? What’s he done?”

“Aaron it’s nothing to concern yourself with. I won’t have you thinking about the miserable prat he’s become, or always has been, when you’ve got everything going for you now. It’s best if you just forget about it and focus on _your_ future, not his.”

She says it with an edge in her voice I know not to fight, but the box has been opened. I have to know what he’d been up to. Once I know for sure that he’s not going to do anything to Adam or the scrapyard, or anyone else I love, I’ll let it go.

I will let it go. I promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments always welcome!
> 
> Find me on tumblr - myfavorite26.tumblr.com


	7. Six Months Apart - Robert

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I’m exhausted, it’s so tiring being something you’re not. That thought stops me in my tracks…although I only realized what I’ve said some moments later…and somehow end up kneeling on the ground. Stars start swimming front of my face, whether they’re imagined or I’ve somehow now ended up flat on my back and I’m looking at the real ones I don’t know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A new chapter is finally here! I'm sorry it keeps taking so long between chapters. Life, including two jobs and my class I'm taking keep getting in the way. I promise I'm not going to abandon this story, just bear with me as I assure you I'm trying to update as regularly as possible. But to make up for my lateness this is the longest chapter yet!
> 
> Enjoy!

** Six Months Apart – Robert **

****

**Robert**

_Aaron underneath me is a beautiful sight. His eyes are bluer, his lips are swollen and red from our kissing, and the usually stoic face freely shows the pleasure I bring him._

_And tonight is no different._

_It shouldn’t be like this, I shouldn’t be like this. I want him…no I need him, might as well not lie to myself as his name is slipping through my lips. I whisper it against his neck before reaching out and kissing the skin fluttering above his pulse. The knowledge that I can make his pulse race, that I can elicit the sounds coming from him shatter any sense of control I had. His name, when it falls out of my mouth once again, is no longer a whisper._

_Aaron is becoming all encompassing, as he lies next to me soundly sleeping I can at least admit that. Making excuses for overnight trips, lying constantly to Chrissie and my family, and the ever growing need to be around him are making me feel like I’m losing control, something that I can’t afford._

_Aaron makes a small noise in his sleep and I silently pray he wakes up, if only just to be able to look at his eyes, or maybe hear him call me a creeper for watching him sleep. Anything, I’ll take anything he’ll give me._

_His eyes flutter open and I’m rewarded with both, “What the hell are you staring at you idiot?”_

_“Just wondering when you’ll be ready again?” I’m in no shape, but I love getting a rise out of him._

_He gets that look on his face, the one I love, that says he’s not putting up with my shit, “All right, old man, let’s go.” Quickly he flips me over onto my back and straddles my hips, I laugh at his cheekiness and will let the old man comment slide…for now. As I stifle my laughter I realize he’s looking at me, and I am once again taken in by those eyes._

_“What?” I ask him through my laugh._

_“Nothing. I just love hearing you laugh Robert, you should do it more often.”_

_He’s honest with me, always, that’s how I know there is no hidden meaning behind his words. He’s never afraid to be himself, and continually pushes me to be as honest with myself. I don’t know what I did to deserve it, but it’s definitely not what I was expecting when I kissed him on the side of the road. I thought it would be a little bit of fun, just a one off like the others. It’s not. And whatever this is now, this need and want for him, and not just for sex is doing my head in._

_“Robert? Where the hell d’ya go?”_

_Fortunately Aaron brings me back to the here and now, before I go thinking too much. Once he has my attention he leans over me, hands on either side of my head holding himself just a breath away. Leaning as close as possible without initiating the kiss I’m currently craving he murmurs against my lips yet again about being ready for me._

_“Wait.” Wait? No that’s not what I meant to say. Why do I want him to wait? He’s staring at my intently but questions are running through his mind, I can see them flashing behind his eyes._

_What the hell am I going to say? The thoughts from before about what he means to me, the person he sees in me, the way he makes me feel like I can be someone who deserves him are flying through my head like bees...no something bigger, bats maybe. And I want to show him what he means to me, I may never be able to say it, but I can show him how much I trust him._

_He’s still staring at me expectantly, and now that I’ve been silent so long, also with a bit of nervousness._

_“Aaron, I want to switch.” Oh that was terrible Robert, way to once again make it sound like it’s all about you and also sound like a complete wanker._

_“Wha…what do you mean?” Crap, now he’s looking at me as if I have grown an extra head. I really should think before I speak._

_“If you want to you know. If you want to…”_

_“Robert Sugden are you saying…”_

_“Yes, alright, I am that’s exactly what I’m saying!” It came out as more of a growl and I realize the thought of Aaron inside me is making my heart beat faster than it already was and that all the blood that was previously pounding in my ears is running south as fast as possible. I’m also very thankful for that fact that once again he can read my thoughts._

_Aaron’s eyes fill with lust, I’m sure a complete mirror of my own, as he leans down to kiss me. He doesn’t take long to move to the spot on my neck that he discovered not too long ago drives me mad. He grinds down against me and I’m not surprised to feel our matching hardness. Though too quickly he leans back, looking once again into my eyes._

_“Why, Robert? Why now?” It was a question that had so many other meanings behind it than the here and now. Recently he had been slightly pushing for more. More time together and more knowledge behind how/what I was feeling. He had no problem telling me that he enjoyed our time together. I never would say that out loud, and he knew it. I was trying to show him what he meant to me at this time, and he couldn’t leave it alone._

_“Because…I want….to show you…” And I trailed off, I couldn’t say it. I couldn’t tell him what he means to me. That sharing this with him is something I want to do simply because he means more to me than I ever thought possible. He means more to me than any man ever has. I want him to know that, but I’m too much of a coward to say it._

_He must read the thoughts behind my hesitation, like he always can, and decides that he understands because I’m quickly lost in the feel of his mouth against mine. His hands running down my sides hesitate on my hips before his thumbs slowly run circles around my hip bones._

_Apparently Aaron above me is just as beautiful._

A lump in my throat has formed as I think of that night. I probably should be more focused on the road ahead of me, but between the bottle in my hand, Andy spouting off at me from the passenger seat about slowing down, and my thoughts firmly focused on having sex with Aaron, the road is about the fourth most important thing in my life right now.

The lump is quickly replaced by a chuckle, which turns into laughter, and then complete maniacal cries as I realize the joke I’ve become, the joke my life is, and the fact that I will never ever get out of the bottom of this hole. I’ve hit rock bottom and I will live down here for the rest of my life. It seems such a shame that Andy had to follow me here, I don’t really want him to see me like this. But eventually everyone will know and will see what I’ve become, so as he was the first to find out about my secret, he might as well be the first one to see what’s happened to me.

 

**5 Months Ago**

I try and keep my face passive, it’s the best I can hope for, as I stare back into Chas’s smug face. She listens intensely to Aaron for a moment then asks pointedly, “What did you say his name was again?” She pauses for Aaron to answer and then asks even more deliberately, “And he’s French?” She smiles at me then turns her back before saying, “Just a mo love, I need to get away from the bar so I can hear you better.” She walks into the back room still talking to him, and I’m left staring into the empty doorway. The breath I was holding slowly escapes and all I crave at the moment is to hear Aaron’s voice.

_You don’t even deserve to miss him._

That craving builds steadily as we sit in the pub. The drinks come, the food comes, Diane and Vic both stop by to talk and yet it still builds. The thought of hearing his voice soon turns into the craving to see his face, and let’s be honest his body as well. Was Aaron dating someone? No, of course not.

_Doesn’t he deserve to be happy after what you did to him?_

Then who was he talking about to Chas? Probably no one, just a neighbor. Maybe. I know he’s in France, but I don’t know where or what he’s doing there. The pressure, the need to know where he is and what he’s doing is overriding my better laid plans to spend the evening trying to win back my wife yet again.

_She doesn’t want you and neither does Aaron._

Vic is sitting with us and I’m waiting for any opening to try and ask what’s going on with Aaron. I only wait a few minutes before she mentions something about the scrapyard. It’d only be natural for me to ask about the scrapyard, right? Just want to make sure my investment is secure.

“How’s Adam doing on his own with the scrapyard? Now that Aaron’s done a runner?”

“He hasn’t done that Robert, stop being like that.”

“Well Aaron left in a hurry and no one knows where he is, or when he’s coming back. Seems a little, ah, suspicious to me.” Please Vic, please take the bait.

She doesn’t, but Diane overhears and jumps in to help me out.

“Robert, nothing’s wrong with Aaron. Don’t be sticking your nose in and judging others. He wanted to stand on his own and he had contacts in France to get him set up, so he went.” Her voice, ironically, laced with judgement comes from behind me.

_She should be judging you, this is all your fault._

Diane comes around the chair and joins the three of us at our table. It’s well and truly not in the cards for me to be working on my marriage tonight, so I turn my focus to trying to find out what Aaron is up to.

“I wasn’t judging anyone. Just thinking about what might happen to my investment if Aaron is going to be gone for even a short time. The scrapyard is a lot of work for one person.”

Vic speaks up then, “Aaron has a job at a garage and is doing fine. He told Chas he would be gone for at least 6 months, and Adam can handle Holey Scrap while he’s gone. They agreed that if he was gone longer they’d talk about Adam buying Aaron out of the business. It’ll be fine, I wish you had more faith in Adam, you’re the one that invested in his idea anyway.”

I stifle the smirk that crosses my face at her last statement. But my mind starts churning at the news I’ve gotten. He won’t be back…for at least 6 months. Two hours ago that would have been the best news I’ve heard in a long time. It would have meant I had 6 months with no distractions on my quest to get back Chrissie. Six months to completely come back to who I am and focus on my right priorities. Now though, it leaves me feeling empty. Not seeing him or hearing his voice for that long seems like forever. I realize that we haven’t been together for some time, but even if we weren’t seeing each other I knew where he was, I could see him and talk to him if I chose. Now it’s like I have an itch that I can’t scratch. It’s just getting more and more annoying by the moment, and could potentially drive me senseless. Not getting what I want has a tendency to do that. Chas has not come out of the back room yet, but I don’t think that she would be too happy with the turn of our conversation. And I swear it feels like Aaron is just behind that door, and will come out for a pint at any moment.

_He’s not here. He’s never coming back. You did that to him. You pushed him away and now you have to live with yourself. I hope you’re pleased, you now have everything you wanted…_

                As Chrissie slides her hand onto my thigh, in the first real moment of connection we’ve had all night, I can’t even manage to look at her and acknowledge the gesture. I drink two more pints before we leave and Chrissie has to drive us home. The two glasses of scotch I chase that with guarantees me my hangover in the morning will be spectacular.

 

**3 Months Ago**

                This is a bad idea. The worst idea I’ve probably ever had, and that says quite a lot of the place I find myself in. It’s been so long though, to long for anyone to be able to handle.

                Bar West after midnight feels like any club after midnight. It’s really no different than the other clubs I used to go to for this. Drinks, dancing, and a lot of bodies sweating and grinding on each other. It could be very easy to get lost in the sea of people on the dance floor and at the bar, and that’s exactly what I’m hoping for.

                Three drinks in and I start to relax. Four down and I’m finally feeling comfortable. I can do this, I want to do this. The blokes in this place are alright, none of them are quite what I was expecting, but I’ll find someone who will do.

                _This is so selfish of you. I can’t believe you’re going to do this._

                There, sitting at the opposite end of the bar with two friends. Well at least they better just be friends because the way he keeps looking at me if either of them were a boyfriend I was going to end up with a black eye. He’s younger than me but that doesn’t bother me anymore. And he’s taller than me which is saying something, but he’s not bad looking and the dark hair and light eyes are making it even easier to let go.

                _Doing this won’t make you any happier. You ruined the only decent thing you had. These men won’t make up for that._

                After one more drink and another look my way his friends finally walk away, not that I couldn’t have done this in front of them, it’s just going to be easier if they’re out of the way. I order two shots of something and make my way down the end of the bar, offering him the other shot as I down mine quickly.

                I haven’t picked up a man in a long time, for that matter I haven’t picked up a woman either, but the lack of any intimacy with another human finally pushed me to this point. The alcohol is starting to finally make everything pleasantly fragmented.

                _HAHAHAHA! You really think this is anyone else’s fault but your own? What a joke you are._

                He’s told me his name (Colin…possibly?) and continues to tell me about himself and chatters non-stop for more than 20 minutes. It mostly sounds like buzzing flies and I don’t remember anything he’s said, even just after he’s spoken. I try and smile and nod at all the right moments, smirking when appropriate, leaning into him and trying not to say anything. I’m not here to make a friend or attract a boyfriend and the sooner he gets that the sooner we can move on. And eventually it seems to work as he takes my hand and starts dragging me toward the toilets. Who knew I was so bloody brilliant a few smiles could make this man want me. (Though my confidence maybe better placed in the alcohol than in my natural ability to be irresistible.)

                It’s dark and noisy as we work our way through the crowd. The hand wrapped around mine doesn’t feel right, but I stare at the back of his head consciously willing my brain to let the alcohol take over and release the anxiety swelling through my body. If I just let go maybe, _maybe,_ it could feel like it did before.

                _It won’t ever feel like before, you ruined that because you’re a coward and selfish._

                We don’t even make it to the doorway, he stops me in the dark hallway and his mouth is on mine, his tongue fighting for entrance while his hands slip to my hips and he pushes me back against the wall.

                Every part of me is screaming with so many conflicting emotions, but all I can think of is how fucking angry I am for not being pissed enough to enjoy this.

                I don’t feel the bitterness, or the sadness, or the absolute wrongness of this. Anger is the only emotion registering and it’s overwhelming me. It’s like an animal clawing at my skin waiting to break free. I push Colin(?) back against the other wall taking control of the kiss, he gasps as his back hits the wall and then moans into my mouth.

                And it’s so wrong.

                “I’m sorry, I don’t want…” and with that articulate sentence I run out of the club, not stopping until I’m at least a block away.

                The next day I show up at the scrapyard, sit at _his_ desk, and try to feel anything beyond the burning shame, embarrassment and loneliness that seem to be a part of my soul. The bottle of scotch I brought with me goes a long way in dulling at least two of those.

 

**1 Month Ago**

She didn’t throw me out, I left. I walked out, she threw the box of my things after me and it was over.

                _Of course she threw you out…you’re weak and pathetic and she’s so much better than you. Just wait until you see how brilliant she is when she’s finally free of you._

                Of course I’m quite pissed at this moment. The three glasses of scotch I had while she was telling me what a monumental bastard I was (not to mention the half of bottle I had nursed along the rest of the evening) are making everything blur together so who knows exactly how I find myself standing in front of Home Farm without a wife. I just happen to be in precisely that same spot that I told Aaron I had fallen for him.

                _Isn’t karma a bitch…_

                Shut up…

I pick up the few things I can clearly see in the darkness, stumbling slightly and start walking. Sometime later I realize that I’m still walking, although at this point it’s through a field, and I no longer have anything I was carrying to begin with.

I’m exhausted, it’s so tiring being something you’re not. That thought stops me in my tracks…although I only realized what I’ve said some moments later…and somehow end up kneeling on the ground. Stars start swimming front of my face, whether they’re imagined or I’ve somehow now ended up flat on my back and I’m looking at the real ones I don’t know.

Someone told me once that I needed to be honest about who I was, someone I loved.

Love. It’s such a fucking lie.

I’m so tired…this seems as good of a place as any to sleep. The world goes dark.

 

“Rob. Rob? Robert? ROBERT?!” Someone’s saying my name…and shaking me. Trying desperately to figure out what is going on while not opening my eyes or think to hard is difficult. Slowly I come begin to realize two things. First off that Andy is the one shouting my name sounding increasingly worried and secondly that I’m really fucking cold. Shit, what the hell happened last night?

“Andy?” my voice is rough and it hurts to talk.

“Rob, thank God! Are you alright? Can you stand up? We need to get you out of here and warmed up.”

“I’m fine.” It’s easier to lie. “I messed up Andy.”

“It’s ok, let’s get you home and then we can talk about it.”

“I don’t have a home.” God I sound pathetic, Andy should just really leave me here.

“Yes you do. You’re coming home with me.”

“I can’t go back to Home Farm.”

“I know.” There’s pity in his voice.

“How?”

“I went by this morning to find you. Chrissie came to the door and said she threw you out. I don’t know what happened. All I know is that you’re my brother and you need help.”

His words, that fact that he even cares enough to look for me let alone take me in when I have nothing to give him, that he can see past my mistakes, that he loves me when I don’t deserve anyone’s love is too much. The tears stream out of my tightly shut eyes and choking sobs soon make it difficult to breath.

“Rob its ok, let’s go we need to get you out of here and warmed up. You’re absolutely freezing.”

“You shouldn’t be taking care of me I don’t deserve it.”

“Yes you do, now let’s go!” He’s trying to not get upset at me, but his voice carries a note of exasperation. Something most people seem to have when talking to me anymore.

“Andy, please if you knew who I was, you wouldn’t be here. I hurt everyone I love, everyone close to me ends up leaving because I push them away. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“I know who you are and just because Chrissie kicked you out doesn’t mean we’re going to let you down. Me, Diane, Vic we all love you and we’ll help you get better.”

He didn’t understand, he couldn’t understand and that fact that I was still drunk from the night before was not making it any easier to help him understand the lost cause I was. Alcohol usually relaxed my mind, but not my tongue. Andy was the one breaking down my defenses just by telling me he was going to take care of me. He needed to know who I really was, then he would let me go and I could go back to sleep.

“Andy I don’t fucking care that Chrissie and I are over. If you knew anything about me you would know that.”

“Then help me understand, Rob.” God why can’t he just hate me. Everyone else does by now. Chrissie and I were, we had never made it back to where we were after finding out about the burglary. I wasn’t interested and she knew it, she felt the fact that I only wanted what she could materially provide me. It was not a marriage and she was too smart to let that go much longer. Better to walk out on her and maintain my dignity.

_What dignity? You’re scraping the bottom of the barrel here mate._

Lawrence had already taken back many responsibilities that he had given me. We had gone round and round over the running of the farm, leading to all out fights and him constantly overruling me. I had lost him money, not enough to ruin him, but enough that I was no longer running any major aspects of the business. I had only kept my job because I was still living in the house and married to Chrissie. Neither of those things were going to be true after last night and my job was going to disappear along with them.

Andy had said Vic and Diane would support me but I had been working hard to push them away, finally almost achieving my goal. Diane was hurt enough the last time I reminded her she wasn’t my real mother she had asked me to leave the pub and not come back until I could accept the help she was offering. Vic had been there when that happened and I hadn’t talked to her since. It was better this way, I didn’t really want to hurt them and the farther they were away from me the safer it was for both of them.

Now if only Andy would understand that. Hopefully the next words out of my mouth would finally convince him.

“I already told you, everyone I love leaves me because I’m a mess. I’m toxic and he knew that and he left me just like I deserve.”

Andy is silent…for a long time. My eyes are still closed but he’s been quiet for so long I think maybe he finally left. He finally understood that he shouldn’t be around me because of who I am and what I do to people. Hoping that when I open my eyes he’s gone I’m disappointed when I slowly blink and see him looking at me with nothing but pity masking the questions I know he wants to ask. I stare at him intently for what feels like forever, silently daring him to ask the question.

“Who?”

The alcohol, the stress, my warped mind whatever the reason is I don’t lie to him.

“Aaron.”

I close my eyes again, knowing that he understands now. Knowing that he’ll leave me and I can go unconscious again.

I suddenly feel hands reaching under my shoulders and lifting me up as if I weight nothing. Shock and plain weakness stop me from putting up to much of a fight at first. Andy puts my arm around his shoulder and then wraps his arm around my waist. Half walking, but mostly being drug along beside my brother I can only think that he like everyone else will eventually know the trash that I am and he can soon be rid of me as well.

“You’ll regret this Andy, anyone who loves me always regrets it.”

 

**Now**

That bitch was talking to him tonight. Right in the middle of the bar like nothing was wrong. What a fucking bitch. How the hell could he do that? How could he talk to her when she helped ruin everything? Although he wasn’t any better. Aaron, he’s the worst thing that ever happened to me. He pulled me in, made me think I mattered and then he left me.

                God I miss him so much. And I love him, did I mention that.

                “Rob, watch out!” That curve came out of nowhere anyone could have made that mistake. “Please slow down. Just pull over and I’ll drive. We’ll go wherever you want to.”

                “Not likely. You know he was talking to her right? You know they act like it’s nothing to talk right in front of me? They do that all the time, just to torment me. I hate them both, but mostly him. He destroyed me and keeps trying to, I have nothing because of him…” Shit another corner flew out at me and I almost spilled my bottle. Damn it that would have made this night even worse.

                “Robert please, please just stop the car. I know things are bad and that you’re angry but nothing can be this bad. I know you miss him and that you feel alone but I’m still here, I told you I wouldn’t leave you and I meant it.”

                A harsh laugh falls out of my mouth and finally I have to tell him, finally have to make him understand that it’s better to leave me now. I need to use the last bit of evidence I have to convince him how contemptable of a person I truly am.

                “You’re going to leave me and I know exactly why.”

                “No Rob…”

                “YES YOU ARE! It’s because…” I get no further because one of those damn curves comes for me again and the car runs off the road and starts to flip. I always knew he would regret getting close to me. Although it’s Aaron’s face I see smiling at me right before the world goes to black.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What'd you think? It looks like the next chapters will be taking on a little bit of a different format as I thought the story was going to go one way but is now taking a different direction.
> 
> As always you can find me on tumblr: myfavorite26.tumblr.com


	8. We’ve Been Apart 7 Months and I’m Better Than I Was

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yes, France had been a new start, but finally being mature enough to face my fears and anxiety had been the best thing about being here. I never had the strength at home, to many people trying to take care of me, but here on my own I was putting myself together and no one else could take credit for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally an update! It won't be another month until the next chapter, I promise! The next chapter has already been started!
> 
> Once again a warning that there is some mention of Aaron's past self harm in this chapter.
> 
> There is a pretty long A/N at the end of the chapter.

** We’ve Been Apart 7 Months and I’m Better Than I Was **

****

**Aaron**

**6 months and 5 days apart:**

_“Adam, give me a ring as soon as you can. I need to talk to ya about something.”_

 

**6 months, 1 week and 2 days apart:**

_“Mum, I’ve been trying to talk to you for almost a week. Where’ve you been? Give me a call as soon as you get this, I’m thinking you’re avoiding me. Anyway….call me.”_

 

**6 months, 1 week and 3 days apart:**

_“Paddy, what’s going on? I haven’t heard from anyone in over a week. I’m starting to get worried something’s wrong. Please call me back as soon as you can.”_

 

Seriously, what the hell is going on? Since I talked to Mum last time, over a week ago, no one has called me. I got a text from Adam two days after I called him saying he’d call when he had the chance but he stilled hasn’t rung me. My mum sent a few texts saying she had been really busy and made excuses for why she hadn’t been able to talk on the phone.

I know her, and Adam, to well…and for some reason they’re trying to avoid me. No one could be as busy as they said they are and still be a functioning human being. Apparently they can’t even give 5 minutes at the end of the day to call me.

No something is up, and it is more than frustrating to be this far away from home and be out of touch with everyone. At first it was just annoying, now I’m worried, and the feeling in my stomach like something is wrong has only been getting worse.

 

**6 Months 1 week and 5 days apart:**

“Aaron, it’s so good to hear from you!”

“Mum, _I’ve_ been _trying_ to talk to you for over a week! Where the hell have you been?!”

“I know love, I’m sorry. Just been a bit busy around here. And actually I don’t have much time now. Just wanted to check in.”

“You can’t have been busy enough to ignore me for over a week. Is somethin’ going on? Because Paddy and Adam haven’t rung me either.” I say, bracing myself because I’m sure that she’s going to make this difficult.

“Of course not! We’ve all been busy, lot going on. Paddy has been covering for both him and Rhona because she’s been taking care of Leo while he’s had a touch of the flu. Adam’s been working overtime at the scrapyard, plus Vic has been busy - I think they hardly see each other. Honestly….we aren’t tryin’ to ignore you…it’s just been a hectic time here and we’ve all been….busy.”

“Yeah, so you said.”

She continues though, ignoring my comment, “I miss you so much, I can’t wait to see you at Christmas. Although I wish you’d have let me come and visit ya earlier.” She’s rambling and I recognize her old tactic of talking me into submission…trying to make me forget why I’m upset in the first place.

“Mum, I know you’re putting it on. And I’m sure you’re all very _busy_ , but you could have called me and even left a message. Are you sure everyone’s alright? I mean I understand having a lot going on, but for everyone to avoid me for that long seems-“

“Yes, Aaron, I’ve told you we’re all _fine_. I wish you would show some faith in me once in a while. I wouldn’t lie to you if someone you loved was in trouble.”

Great the guilt trip, God I love her, but she can do my head in in five minutes flat. I wanted to hear from her and know what’s going on, but I shouldn’t have even asked now that I think about it. This was going to be a failure before we even started.

“Alright, alright, I believe you. Don’t get like that. I just was worried and…thought that something might be wrong. It’s been…a long time since I’ve seen everyone and I guess I’m just starting to realize how much I miss all of you.” I hate lying to her, of course I miss everyone but there’s got to be a reason everyone is avoiding me.

“When will you be coming home for Christmas? Has Tommy told you when you can get off work?” she asks, trying to change the subject.

He has, I’m getting three weeks off, but, “Not yet, I’ll call you next week when he tells me,” is what I tell her. At least this way she has to talk to me, she _can’t_ ignore me for another two weeks.

“Sounds good love! I’ve gotta run and get back to the bar since Diane is gone…bye!”

The line goes silent.

I know she’s lying. She tried too hard. She rambles a lot, but that was ridiculous. The question is what do I do now? She didn’t tell me anything, no news about anyone other than they were all “busy”. Is there anyone else I could call? Paddy, Adam, and Vic are all out. Either Cain or Moira might be a possibility.  Maybe even Debbie. But just calling them up out of nowhere could take some explaining. And any of them would probably tell Mum as soon as we had talked. I’m realizing that over the last six months I’ve done a shit job of keeping in touch with anyone outside of mum, Paddy and Adam.

Alright, think. If something major had happened, someone had gotten hurt or was seriously ill, they wouldn’t hide that from me. Adam had mentioned there could be trouble with the scrapyard, but Paddy wouldn’t be dodging me because of that. One good thing about all this worrying though, was that it had distracted me enough to forget about finding out what Robert was getting up to…and right that would still have to wait awhile (and the headache that would go along with it). Mum had said something about Diane being gone, maybe she was just busy because Diane was on holiday? And I suppose Paddy could be dealing with Leo having the flu, I think I remember him saying something last time we talked, about Leo coming down with something. And since I’m gone it only makes sense that Adam would be really busy with the scrapyard. Am I overdoing it to worry?

Fact is, I’m _not_ there, and haven’t been for what feels like a long time. People are going on with their lives, they don’t and can’t tell me everything that’s happening. The tiny spot of loneliness that goes along with being so far from home, has grown over the last 20 minutes into something else. I knew I was missing my family and friends and that’s why I asked Tommy for such a long time off. I had begged, which I don’t _ever_ do, for him to let me take three weeks away from the garage. He had been a prat about it but had finally agreed to let me go home until the New Year. Of course it came with terms that I worked my ass off until I left, but I couldn’t complain about getting my way. But, now I’m feeling like maybe I shouldn’t have fought him so hard.

So what do I do? I’m even more uncertain about what’s going on after talking to my mum than I was before. _Shit,_ this is so frustrating! If no one is going to tell me anything, or even talk to me, I’ll just look into it on my own. Maybe Tommy will let me borrow the computer at the shop tomorrow while I’m on my break. I’ll just do a quick search of Emmerdale and see if I can find anything in the news. If not, I’ll put it to rest…I’ll be home in a few weeks anyway.

 

**6 Months and 2 Weeks Apart:**

God, Tommy really could be the biggest pain in the arse ever. After being interrogated for hours on end yesterday (alright it was only 5 minutes but facing his questions felt like the police had you in their sights), he had finally agreed to let me use the shop computer. He then kept me busy all day until it was time to close and ended up kicking me out…so we could all have a pint together.

Today, though, had been quiet and Tommy had only grunted what I guessed was a yes when I asked if I could get on the computer. With the search engine open in front of me I have no idea what to even look for…so I type in the easiest thing to start with…

**_Emmerdale_ **

The first page brings up the village website (we have a village website?!), Wikipedia, schools around the area, and a map of Emmerdale and the surrounding land and towns….nothing new seeing as I had lived there.

Page two lists the bed and breakfast, the Woolpack, the garage, the scrapyard, the café, Home Farm….basically all the business in the area. Once again no help.

Getting frustrated and remembering why I always let Adam take care of the computer work at the scrapyard I decided to change my search.

**_Emmerdale news 1 st November – 25th November, 2015_ **

What they hell is all this? Random articles that have nothing to do with Emmerdale are filling the screen. Almost nothing comes up about the village as far as I can tell. There were news articles with the right dates but nothing about Emmerdale. There were articles about the village but with the wrong dates. I know Emmerdale is small, but something must have happened in the last three months.

The most recent bit of news I can find is from August and seems to be about some contract disputes at Home Farm from what the headline says. I scroll quickly past it when I see Lawrence’s name in the first sentence, I’m sure Robert’s is close behind and I don’t want to deal with that right now.

This is so stupid. I’m overreacting, I must be.

But that feeling is still there, just sitting in the pit of my stomach. It keeps telling me something is wrong. But I’m not really sure my gut is the best thing to follow. I only need to remember Robert and know that I can’t be trusted with my own instincts sometimes.

He seems to be everywhere today, and even now the thought of his name can still pull up feelings I’d rather not think about. It’s been over six months since we sat in the back of the pub on Diane’s couch and he asked me to leave. I left, scarpered when I could and the space has made all of it seem less real. All the shit he put me through, the way he could run hot and cold at the turn of a second, how he made me feel about the person I was.

I’ve done a really good job of forgetting about him these past months. Finally I’m focusing on myself and what I want. Doing what makes me happy – or at least content – and standing on my own feet has felt like the biggest _fuck you_ to him, and I love it. But going home in two weeks and being around him again makes my anxiety feel like cold fingers slipping up my spine, threatening to freeze out all the good that’s happened while in France.

I’m stronger now, I know I’m stronger. I feel like _me._ Being with him was like being wrapped in a wet blanket – suffocating and so heavy. I had no energy, no power to be who I am. He can’t do that to me anymore.

_You used to love him though….and he loved you…._

I can’t help the sigh that escapes my mouth or the slight pounding that always starts behind my left eye whenever I have that thought. It happens less and less, but it’s still there. I loved him, and I only need my two hands to count the amount of people I’ve loved in my life. (I don’t dwell on how depressing that thought can be anymore. I know I’m lucky to even have that many, when others have none.) The pounding in my head is getting worse and staring at the computer screen is not going to help it get better. Running my hands over my face and letting out a sigh of irritation I reach for the mouse and close the screen in front of me.

Trying to get back to work seems like the best option to get my mind off of Robert and Emmerdale in general. Before I had just been happy to be heading home to see everyone, but the events of the last week or so have started to make me doubt how _happy_ I’m actually going to be spending three weeks around people who may be lying to me and someone who seems to have no problem always choosing their own happiness and well-being over mine.

 

**7 Months Apart**

The next two weeks go by fast…to fast. I ended up stuck in a circle of doubt, anger, and anxiety about what was happening at home. A week after trying to search for whatever my mum, and everyone else was hiding from me, I called her to let her know when I was coming home for Christmas and for how long. To say her response was unexpected couldn’t even scratch the surface. When she didn’t respond for almost a minute I was sure the call had dropped. When she finally did say something her voice sounded like I had told her I was moving to China and never coming home again. Basically, in the stretch of a minute and a half  I had confirmation of everything I had been trying to tell myself to ignore…there was something wrong and everyone was trying to hide it from me.

“Three weeks? Really Aaron?....Can you afford to take that much time off work?”

The words and the way she said them made those cold fingers of anxiety reach down and clenched my stomach, twisting it into knots.

“Of course I can take that much time off, I wouldn’t have done it if it wasn’t alright.” It came out more defensively than I would have liked, but having the truth thrown at me that I had been right and something was majorly wrong, made it the only response I could give.

Again silence, then in a voice softer than I ever expected my mum to have, came, “I didn’t mean to sound like that, I’m sure you are taking care of everything there. I don’t want to fight with you. I’m your mother and I worry about you.”

She might have been trying to apologize, but all I heard was her making me feel guilty, and after what she had just unconsciously confirmed in her response to my coming home for so long, I was not in the mood to deal with it. All I really wanted to do now was get off the phone with her and try not to think about what and why she had been lying to me about, and how she had talked everyone else into doing the same.

“I know,” the sigh that came with it was nothing to new her or me, “but for once I wish you would just trust me. I’ve been on my own before and I survived just fine. I’ve been here six months and I haven’t starved to death, or gotten arrested, or lost my job. I can handle more than you think, I thought you might have realized that by now.”

She’s silent again, and that’s more unsettling than her yelling; it means she’s scared and nervous. The hair on the back of my neck is standing up and my free hand is clenched into a fist, if I had any fingernails they would have been digging brutally into my palm. I wait for her response, my growing anger making it impossible for me to try and soothe her concern, guilt, nervousness or whatever it is she is feeling right now.

“Love, I’m sorry, I do trust you. I’m just…nervous…because it’s been…so long since you were here. I know how good you’ve been taking care of yourself. How strong you are, and how happy you are there. You’ve got such a good situation in Brest and I don’t want anything here to jeopardize that. I don’t want you to feel like you have to come home…for that long, if you don’t want to be here.”

I scrub my hand over my face at that, trying to not explode on her, when she’s trying, I think, to make things better.

“Thanks mum. And I am looking forward to coming home…so could you at least sound happy to see me when I get there?” It’s petty and unfair and I know I’ll regret saying it later, but it comes out before I can even think of saying something else, something kinder maybe. “Look, I gotta run, I’ll let you know when I’m getting in and we’ll have time to talk when I get home.”

“I love you, Aaron.”

“I know, I love you too. Bye mum.”

I hang up as she’s saying goodbye, ready to be done with this conversation and this day in general. It had taken less than 10 minutes to confirm that I had been right; that everyone was hiding something from me. It made me feel like I was being treated like a child, to naïve or unimportant to be told the truth. The fact that she had somehow convinced everyone to lie to me made the sense of betrayal suffocating. I didn’t need protecting from something hundreds of miles away, I needed to know that just because I wasn’t in Emmerdale I was still valued enough to be included in lives of everyone I loved. It hurt and the anxiety that came with that pain started seeping into my mind, pulling me down into feelings familiar and terrifying.

It had been awhile since anything had hurt enough to bring up those thoughts. Though dealing with the actions that usually followed them was easier now. I had decided, after being in Brest for a few months, that it would be good to get help dealing with whatever was going on in my head. Counseling before had been a bust, but I was younger (and stupider) then. Finding a counselor that spoke English may have been harder in a small town; but with the universities in Brest I found someone that not only spoke English, but that I was comfortable enough with, to make a go at getting help. It was not easy and there were times I wanted to walk out, punch him, hit my head against the wall, or call up various people from my past and blame them for everything, but I went back again and again.

Yes, France had been a new start, but finally being mature enough to face my fears and anxiety had been the best thing about being here. I never had the strength at home, to many people trying to take care of me, but here on my own I was putting myself together and no one else could take credit for that.

                                                                _______________________________________________________________

Though right now as I stand in front of the Woolpack, much of that progress feels far away. I had told mum not to come and get me from the airport, the ride to the village was time I needed to get my head around where I was going to be the next three weeks. First the train and then the bus ride had given me a few hours to prepare myself but now standing in the village it doesn’t feel like long enough. The feeling of being surrounded on all sides is somewhat overwhelming, and I hadn’t even met anyone yet. The afternoon flight, and three hours or so it had taken to get to the village made sure that I arrived well into the night.

Still unsure of how I feel, I take a moment to look around and get my bearings.

The village looks spectacular dressed for Christmas and the snow that had fallen during the day is making it seem lighter out than it really is. Nothing much has changed, the cottages look the same, windows glowing with light behind drawn curtains. It’s easy to forget how small this place really is, and the fact that everyone knows each other makes it feel even smaller. A shiver runs down my back and I know it’s not only because of the cold, but the numbness in my nose and fingertips is what makes me turn toward the backdoor of the pub before I feel ready to.

The hall light is on as is the one at the top of the stairs. It’s late enough that the pub is closed and the light in the backroom is off as well. I can’t be lucky enough for everyone to be asleep, but with no sound coming from up or downstairs maybe for once something will go my way and I won’t have to face anyone tonight. After a look in the kitchen and seeing no one there, I grab my bag and head upstairs, trying very hard to be as quiet as possible. The idea of being able to go straight to bed without talking to a soul makes every creak on these damn stairs sound like thunder.

At the top of the stairs I see the light in my mum’s room is on and the door cracked open. It’s such a gutless move but I sneak into my room and shut the door as quietly as possible. I sigh and relax against the door, enjoying the fact that the light is off and I don’t have to face the bedroom where so many memories could overwhelm me. Shrugging out of my coat, scarf, hoodie, boots, and eventually my jeans I then fall into bed, cover myself with the duvet, and hope the exhaustion from traveling works quickly to knock me out.

If I’m being honest I’m more overwhelmed than I thought I would be. The idea of being here, being around people who have been lying to me for weeks, maybe longer, makes my stomach churn. I don’t feel like I know who anyone is anymore. It’s been 7 months since I spoke face to face with anyone here. Phone calls, texts, and emails make it too easy to hide something, too easy to lie and manipulate, and too easy to grow apart from the people who are supposed to love and care for me. Being here feels like a really bad idea for a lot of reasons, I don’t want to let the space and anger I’m feeling ruin the trust and I love I have for the few people I truly care about in this world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, just wanted to comment on the part about Aaron's counseling.
> 
> As someone who was diagnosed with generalized anxiety over 10 years ago, and more recently with social anxiety and depression, I realize that a few months of counseling are not a "cure" for Aaron's self harm. Nor did I mean it to seem like that. 
> 
> I wanted to include this because I see it as a huge part of Aaron becoming a stronger person, maturing, and being healthy. It is not a comment on anyone else's journey, or even my own, it is simply a factor that I felt important to his well-being. (Also I'm still peeved that ED seems to have skipped over a hugely important part of Aaron's SL, a part of his story that could have some good come out of it, not just for the show. But I digress...)
> 
> I'm truly sorry if anyone is upset by how I handled this, but I do not have the talent, or the wherewithal to appropriately tell such a story. (Some things feel to close to home, if you know what I mean.)
> 
> Thank you for reading, and hopefully you still continue to enjoy this story. The next few chapters are going to be my favorite!


	9. It Has Been 7 Months: Everyone Lied and Robert’s Missing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's back in the village, hoping to finally get some answers about what's going on.

** It Has Been 7 Months: Everyone Lied and Robert’s Missing **

****

**Aaron**

_“So what was this_?”

                _“What’d you mean?”_

_“I beat the shit out of your car, and your answer is to storm into my house and then fuck me into the mattress for half the night? Do I always need to get you this angry or was it just another one off? Although technically since it’s been twice I’m not sure we can count it as that anymore.”_

_“Fuck off, Aaron. Didn’t know you had it in you to be such a bastard.”_

_“I’m the bastard?! Yeah, alright, tell yourself that when you go home to your wife and she asks where you’ve been for the last few hours. I’m sure she’s going to be real happy with you getting home at 2:00 in the morning.”_

_Robert’s glare is enough to shut me up for a minute, but it feels so good to go at it with him like this. And even though he’s almost dressed and out the door and I’m sitting on the bed naked and sore with his fingerprints still red against my hips, I know I have the upper hand. And after all the shit he put me through the last few weeks it feels brilliant._

_Although, as he walks back toward me and reaches down to wraps his fingers around the back of my neck and leans in close, I can’t help the slight flutter in my stomach. What comes out of his mouth though, whispered right against my ear, stops any feeling of warmth. “This won’t be happening again…just so you know. And don’t ever touch my car again.”_

_He almost gets to the door before I can think of something to come back with, but I’m so fucking proud of myself when I do._

_“That’ll be kinda hard considering you’re gonna need to bring it to the garage to get fixed.”_

_He turns and looks at me. For a moment something crosses his face, it almost looks like pride, but it disappears as quickly as it comes. His normal arrogant, uptight everyday look covers his face now and he just narrows his eyes before leaving the room. Closing the door silently as he goes._

_____________________________________________________________________________________

_BANG!!!!!_

“What the fuck?!”

“Rise and shine princess!”

“Christ Adam, get the hell out before I kick your ass. I’m _trying_ to sleep, seeing as it’s the first morning of my holiday.”

I haven’t opened my eyes yet, but I know Adam is standing in my doorway with a shitty grin on his face and no intention of leaving me alone.

After last night, waking up to this is even more jarring that it normally would be. I need a minute before I can face anyone, and somehow I need to convince him to give me that time. Moments of silence pass, and damn it if he doesn’t know me so well to understand my quietness is a sign I’m giving in.

So finally I tell him, “Alright, fine, I’m up. Go at least make me a brew and I’ll be down in a moment.”

“Ha, yeah you will. If you aren’t down in 5 I’ll be back up to drag your skinny arse out of here.”

“Fine, now get the hell out!” and I fling my pillow at his head, hearing a satisfying thump as it hits its target. He only laughs as he heads out the door, shutting it noisily behind him.

I groan and roll over, landing on my back and staring up at the ceiling I know well, but didn’t see in the dark last night. This is weird, there’s no other word for it.

The anxiety, though, is strangely not a strong as I expected it to be waking up in this bed and in this room. Being here feels like the culmination of a long journey and I’m just ready to finish it. I know that it’s going to be difficult, and that the next few hours (or days) are going to be stressful but running away is not something I’m going to do. Those that love me, and have been lying to me, will not be able to lie to me anymore.

The kitchen smells amazing and the dining table is filled with Adam, mum, and Paddy. Vic’s voice comes from the kitchen.

Apparently no one can act like a normal person as I enter the room. Mum throws her arms around me and tries to kiss my face, thankfully I dodge it. Paddy slaps me hard enough on the back to knock me over, and Vic yaps away as she asks how I am.

It’s overwhelming, as always, and I can’t decide whether it’s better or worse that I didn’t get some of this over with the night before. Everyone talks at once, no one seems interested in answers, and they just throw questions at me like I’m standing in front of a firing squad.

“Can’t a man just eat in peace for a few moments?” I ask. I know the answer is no, but at least I can try.

Mum just scoffs and keeps trying to give me a hug, she’s seriously like a leech. I shake her off again as Vic puts a plate down in front of me. I’ve missed a homemade fry-up.

They chat around me as I try and eat. They talk of Christmas plans and what’s been going on in the village. Paddy talks of Rhona and Leo, the vet clinic and tough cases. Vic talks of new dishes and how busy the pub has been. Adam updates me on the scrapyard and how good it’s been going. No one says much about anyone in the village outside of the people currently standing in the room. It’s like they are avoiding certain topics and people, like they planned exactly what to say and practiced it. I notice quickly that no one says anything about Home Farm, the Whites or even Diane and Andy. Robert doesn’t exist anymore apparently.

They must think I’m a complete idiot, might as well start the conversation now and get it over with as soon as possible. Even if they want to act like nothing is wrong, I won’t.

“How are Diane and Andy?”

Various looks of misery follow my statement. For trying so hard to keep things from me, enough to plan what they were going to say to me, you’d think they would have prepared themselves to have an answer to a simple question as that.

I sit silently, waiting for someone to say something. Finally Paddy tries to cover.

“They’re both alright. Diane will be back from her holiday soon I think. Right Chas?”

I try and catch Vic’s eye, but she has turned her back to me, and Adam goes and stands behind her. My mum finally gets the cotton out of her mouth and replies.

“Yeah, she’ll be back in time for Christmas.”

No one speaks again. I stare between Paddy and my mum, occasionally roving over the backs of Adam and Vic. He had wrapped his arms around her waist and was whispering quietly into her ear, she finally nods and he turns around, catching me staring.

“Alright mate. We’re gonna to take off. Gotta get to the scrapyard and Vic needs to be running some errands before the pub opens.” I stand and let Adam give me a hug, a real one, and he holds on just a moment longer than normal. Vic sneaks past, staring at the floor like she’s trying to remember the pattern on the rug, and doesn’t acknowledge me as she leaves. It hurts and my voice gets stuck over the lump that has formed in my throat. Something is seriously wrong for Vic to ignore me like that. I fight down a shudder at the thought of what’s to come as I face Paddy and my mum.

I feel the need to jump right in, so I ask plainly, “Is someone going to tell me what’s going on? I would rather find out from one of you, instead of whoever I meet first when the pub opens. I know you’ve been hiding something, and you’ve managed to get others to hide it from me as well. I don’t want to be angry with you, but whatever it is, it’s big and I just want you to tell me.” After a beat I add, “I can handle it.”

My mum stares at me for a moment before I catch her eye and she at least has the decency to drop her gaze. Paddy is staring at the cup of tea in front of him, not even looking at me. Are they really not going to answer me? As the silence drags on, I think that’s exactly what’s going to happen. I walk to the sofa and fall onto it, thinking that even confronted with their lies they aren’t going to answer me. And _fuck,_ doesn’t that hurt?

I open my mouth to say something…what I don’t know, but the silence is filling my head and I can’t stand it. The sense of betrayal starts to settle in. They don’t trust me, or don’t understand me, or can’t stand to make themselves look bad? I don’t know what it is, but I need to get out. I snap my mouth shut and stand, ready to run. I thought I could handle this, but seeing the two people I love most in this world, completely shutting me out, makes me want to escape as soon as possible.

Mum’s voice comes from behind me, strained and slightly panicked, “Wait! Aaron, just wait!”

I spin on my heel and I know all that registers on my face is anger, “Why? You haven’t told me anything. Why should I think you are gonna tell me the truth now?”

“Because Aaron, we love you and all we’ve been trying to do is protect you.” Paddy finally stands up as he speaks, walking to stand next to my mum.

“Just stop it. I’m not a child any more. I’m healthy, and stronger than you think. Whatever’s going on I deserve to know. It’s obviously affecting everyone around here, enough that Vic tears up at the mention of the rest of her family. What’d you think was going to happen when I came home? That I wouldn’t notice that no one mentioned any of Vic’s family? Now, trust me enough, and tell me what’s happening.”

I watch them, closely, as they look at each other and seem to have a silent conversation. I know they’re going to give in, I can see it in the strain on my mums face, and the resignation on Paddy’s. Finally I’m going to get some answers.

Paddy looks at me, “You’d better sit down then.”

I settle on the couch as Paddy pulls over chairs for himself and mum; it really looks like she wants a drink before we get started, but she opens her mouth first to talk.

“Do you remember about a month ago, when we were on the phone and I had to hang up because Robert was pissed and had to be kicked out of the pub?”

Forget? That was what had started this.

“Yeah, kinda hard to forget that.”

Paddy though stops her and asks if they should start farther back than that.

She nods and starts over, the story that follows is what I expect from Robert, but also absolutely unexpected. Robert’s drinking, the agro at the scrapyard, the trouble with Home Farm, and him pushing everyone away. I’m trying to stay neutral as they talk it all out, but when they speak about Robert leaving Chrissie my jaw drops.

They pause, I don’t know if it’s for dramatic effect, or to give me a moment. It lasts long enough that I interrupt with the only question I can think of.

“Where are Andy and Diane?” From what they were telling me it sounded like Andy was the only one keeping Robert up.

Paddy looks at me and doesn’t flinch when he says, “At the hospital.”

“Why?” And for some reason my throat closes tightly around that word. There’s a small voice inside of me screaming to ask about Robert, but it gets pushed back.

Mum starts in where she left off, and asks me once again if I remember that night. I don’t even nod in agreement, I just sit and stare at her until she keeps talking.

“From what they’ve discovered Andy followed Robert after he was kicked out of the pub. For some reason Robert got behind the wheel of his car, and Andy jumped in with him.”

I’m trying, but failing, to fight down images of that night at the quarry. Their positions reversed. The voice yelling for Robert gets a little louder.

Mum continues, “They were driving God knows where, and Robert missed a turn. The car ended up flipping. They were out there all night.

“Andy was knocked unconscious, but Robert was only trapped in the car. He couldn’t find his phone to make a call, he tried yelling for help but they were in the middle of nowhere really. No one found them until the next day.”

Paddy picks up where she leaves off, “Andy’s been in a coma ever since. Robert walked away with a few scrapes and bruises. Diane has been in Hotten since the accident, Vic was there for the first two weeks but had to come home to help at the pub.

“Robert was arrested for drunk driving but they had trouble proving it. By the time they were found most of the alcohol was out of his system.”

Paddy stops and no one says anything. I don’t know what to say, too much information feels like it’s overloading my brain. At some point while they were talking I had shifted to sitting on the edge of the sofa, my knees are jumping up and down, elbows on my knees, hands clasped between them, and my head is down. The silence in the room is so loud, and no one breaks it.

Andy’s in a coma, because of Robert. Because Robert drove drunk. Robert has no job, no money, no wife, no family. He pushed everyone away, even Diane and Vic. Andy didn’t give up on him though, the one person who had every reason to.

I look up and see that they’re waiting on me to say something. What it is I have no idea. I sit and stare at them for long moments. I can see their anxiety growing the longer I sit quietly. They think I’m angry, and I am, but I’m worried for Andy…and Robert.

I finally find my voice, “What’s going on with Andy now?”

“He’s still in the coma because the doctors put him in it. They’re giving his body time to heal. He suffered some serious brain damage, but they seem optimistic that he’ll be alright, eventually. It’s going to be a long road though.” Paddy stops there for a moment, to give himself time to breath, or for me to catch up, I’m really not sure. But then continues.

“Physically he’ll recover just fine. But the trauma was great. More than likely he’s going to have to move in with Diane when he’s finally released.”

I nod and try and absorb everything. I lean back on the sofa and close my eyes. It’s so much, and some small, very small, part of me is glad they didn’t do this over the phone. It would have been too much to hear about from hundreds of miles away. Andy’s been a mate for so long…and Robert, as much as I hate who I was when we were together and the shit he put me through I didn’t want this for him. It’s so fucked up, but there it is.

“Aaron, love? I know you’re upset with us, but we were really just trying to keep you from all the mess here. We didn’t want you to have to deal with it. And don’t be angry with Adam and Vic, we asked them to keep it quiet.” I nod after my mum speaks, I see what they were trying to do, I don’t like it, but I see.

I sit for a few more moments, I want to ask, but I don’t know how they’re respond. I don’t know if I really _want_ to know, but it becomes too difficult to hold it in.

“What about Robert?”

I let out the breath I am holding in. I just hope that they answer the first time, I don’t want to have to ask again.

Paddy speaks up, “We really don’t know.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“It’s the truth, Aaron.” My mum throws in.

“Why don’t you know what’s going on with Robert?”

“Because no one knows where he is.” I sit up and stare hard at Paddy after he says this.

“Right, because it’s so easy to lose someone these days. Especially when he has no money.”

“I’m sorry Aaron, but it really is the truth. After they chose not to press charges for driving while drunk he disappeared. He’d been staying at Andy’s, but hasn’t been back since the accident.

“Vic and Diane saw him at the hospital about a week ago.” The way Paddy says the last sentence tells me there’s more. I just look at him, and he continues.

“They ended up kicking him out. He was drunk…again. Or maybe still, I don’t know. But it seems like nothing has changed. That putting his brother in a coma hasn’t changed a thing.” Paddy’s angry and he has every right to be, but I don’t want to hear it. I stand and start to head out of the room. Paddy stands as well and reaches out to grab my arm.

“Just let me go Paddy. I’m not angry, I’m not going to run out and do something stupid. I just need some time to figure out what’s going on, get my head together. I’m not evening leaving the house, just heading up to my room.”

Paddy lets go and I head up the stairs. I close the door behind me and fall face first onto my bed. I can honestly say when I left this room two hours ago I didn’t think I’d have so many answers; and so many questions that still needed answering. It’s hard to figure out where one ends and the other begins.

Why was Andy in the car with Robert?

Why was Robert drinking and driving?

Why was Robert drinking so much?

Why was Andy the only one still standing by Robert?

What had made Vic and Diane give up on him?

Why did Andy have to pay for Robert’s mistake?

These and more are banging around in my head as I lay here, trying not to let the feelings of guilt, anger, and being responsible (at least in some small part) drown me.

I’m not responsible for the choices Robert makes. I’m not in charge of anyone’s life but my own. What others decide for themselves is beyond my control.

_But you left him…alone._

I did, I did leave him. But he was toxic, he drug me down, and I needed to stand on my own. It’s proof that he would have kept bringing me down, just look at what’s happened since I left. Christ, Andy… Why of all people did it have to be Andy that finally got caught up in Robert’s self-destruction? We have ruined his life enough, Robert and I, and now he’s still paying for our mistakes.

Laying here while all of this is running through my head is becoming too hard. I need to get up, I need to do something, and the thought that ran through my head as soon as Paddy and mum sat me down seems like the perfect answer.

I don’t know how long I’ve been upstairs but when I head back down, the living room and kitchen are empty. Now that I’ve decided on what to do I don’t want to stop and see anyone else. I figure leaving a note is the best I can do, because I really don’t want to head into the pub and get stuck talking to anyone. I grab my mum’s car keys, write a quick note and leave.

_________________________________________________

The drive to Hotten took less time than I was hoping. I still haven’t decided what I’m going to say as I park the car. I only know that I have to see for myself what everyone’s been trying to hide. Guilt builds again as I walk to his room. I know Diane is in there, I know what he’s going to look like. And no matter what I try, the hours and days spent in the hospital with Jackson are flooding back.

I take a breath and knock on the door even though it’s open. Diane is sitting with her back to me and she jumps at the noise.

“Aaron.” Her voice is tired and her eyes match. I don’t see how else she responds to my being there because I can only stare at Andy laying on the bed beside her. He looks the same, but the tubes running out of him are too familiar.

Diane is saying something to me, but I don’t catch it. Feeling like an idiot, I ask her what she said.

“Thank you for coming to see him. Chas thought you would get it out of her, before too long.”

“I’m not bothering am I? I just wanted to visit, let you and him know I was back and thinking about ya.”

“No, it’s alright. We were getting quite a few visitors at the beginning, but people have had to get back to their lives. It’s just us most days. So I’m sure he’s happy to hear someone else’s voice besides mine. And the doctors of course.”

I want to say something that will make this better, but she and I know it’d be a lie. I can’t make this better.

Now that I’m here, I’m not sure what I’m doing. The evidence of Robert’s self-destruction is staring at me and a part of me wants to run again. To not have to face this. To not have to see Diane in this much pain, to not see Andy laying on that bed.

She’s staring at me and I know she’s waiting for the questions to start. I’m not sure I can ask her everything I want to know, after seeing her and Andy like this. I can’t help but look at Andy again and think how unfair this all is.

“I’m sorry Diane.”

“Aaron, it’s not your fault, you don’t have anything to be sorry for. Robert’s the one that caused this.”

“I know, but I’m still sorry this happened, to him and to you.” I say as I nod toward Andy laying in the bed.

“Well, we’ve had good news, so we’re just going to hold onto that right now.”

“That’s great. What’s the good news?”

“They’re going to be waking him up soon. All the scans have come back good and they feel he’s ready.”

“I’m really happy for you and him, and Vic. She must be chuffed.”

“I actually haven’t had a chance to tell her yet. I was going to call her, but I hate leaving him alone. Would you mind staying with him while I go and call her? I might grab something to eat, if that’s alright, I haven’t even had breakfast yet.”

No, I don’t want to stay in this silent room with him. But I’ll do it anyway, so I tell her, “Yeah, no worries.”

She gives my arm a squeeze as she walks past. I sigh and take her seat. Now that we’re alone it’s harder to see this. I can’t believe I’m here, mostly because I can’t believe Robert would do this. The question of what happened runs over and over in my head. But I can’t ask it, of anyone.

Besides, the one person that truly knows how this happened has disappeared.

After fighting it for so long, I finally think about Robert. The look on his face that last day. I knew he was in trouble when I left. I also knew I had to leave for myself. I shouldn’t feel responsible for this, but it doesn’t mean I don’t.

But what the hell happened for him to spiral so out of control? Mum and Paddy had said he started drinking and that caused him to lose his job at Home Farm and Chrissie. God, he held on so tight to that life. Why start drinking? Why throw away everything he had bought and lied for? Why push his family away? Where was he now?

“Shit!” I hear from behind me as a cup drops.

I spin around, to see Robert standing in the doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave on such a cliffhanger! I have more written, but needed to break up this chapter and the next, hence the ending.   
> Hope everyone is still enjoying this. It's definitely taken off from my initial idea, so it might feel a little different than it did at the beginning.  
> Find me on tumblr - myfavorite26.tumblr.com


	10. It’s Been 7 Months and I’m Still a Bastard (Oh and Aaron’s Back)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aaron's back and Robert hits rock bottom...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I wanted to include some warnings for this chapter. There is implied drug use and implied dub-con/could be seen as non-con. Nothing is explicit, but I wanted you all to know in case of any triggers.

** It’s Been 7 Months and I’m Still a Bastard (Oh and Aaron’s Back) **

****

**Robert**

“Shit!” What is he doing here?

What the hell is he doing here?!

Leave. Leave now. My mind, the sober part of it, yells incessantly to run as fast as possible. But my God, Aaron is standing in front of me and I just want to stare at him.

He looks so bloody good.

_Yeah because he’s been away from you…_

My breath shouldn’t catch when Aaron looks at me.

“How did you get in here?” drops from Aaron’s mouth. God, I’ve missed his voice. It’s amazing how that happens. I never thought I could miss a voice that much. But I’m almost drunk, so it could just be the alcohol saying that.

“Robert, how the hell did ya get in here?” I must be staring like an absolute madman, but I don’t care. Five more seconds of staring and then I’ll go. I’ll just have to come back tomorrow while Diane is eating breakfast or lunch to see Andy. It’s how I’ve been visiting him for the past two weeks, it’s not very dignified to be stalking the hospital, but I haven’t any dignity left so it suits me.

At some point I put my hand on the door to steady myself, but it’s sweaty now and begins to slip. It’s the only thing anchoring me, without it I’m going to fall face forward, into the mess of vodka I’ve spilled on the floor.

I’m sure my five seconds are up, but I don’t want to go. Then I catch the look in Aaron’s eyes and I reel from it.

I would guess it’s a mixture of anger, pity, and something I can’t find the word for. I would guess it’s disbelief. But that would mean he would have had to believe in me in the first place, and we know that’s not true. I don’t want to see Aaron look at me like that.

_How else is he supposed to look at you, you fucking loser._

I don’t know, I thought maybe he’d be relieved to see I was alright.

_Hahaha, yeah right! You put Andy in that bed, how many times do I have to remind you of that. You think anyone is going to look at you with anything but revulsion for the rest of your life._

I just hoped…

_Stop hoping, the only hope you have is sitting in the bottle you left back at the hotel. In fact you should go get it now. Aaron doesn’t want to see you, Andy can’t see you. He never knows you’re here when you visit so I don’t know why you come to see him. It’d just be better if you left._

I know, I know I should leave. So I do.

The hand on my arm that stops me is unexpected. Really Aaron, why now.

I try and shake my arm loose, not being very successful in the state I’m in. All I really end up doing is knocking myself off balance and stumble back against him, pushing us back into the room.

It takes a moment in my sluggish brain to realize I’m pressed up against him. He’s basically holding me upright with his chest against my back. I flinch as soon as I realize this and shake him off, I can smell him above all the other scents in the hospital and it hurts.

“Get the fuck off me,” it sounds perfectly fine, but I’m sure it slurs together. He lets go and steps back. Maybe telling him to move wasn’t the most brilliant idea because I sway back and then stumble colliding with him again. It’s the most physical contact I’ve had with anyone in a while.

“What the hell Robert, how pissed are you right now?”

Laughter is my only response, he really has been gone for a while if he thinks I’m even close to being completely wasted.

I can’t do this, not now…probably not ever. I wasn’t supposed to see him again. He’s supposed to be in France, working, fucking numerous guys, and forgetting the hell about Emmerdale and everyone in it. He shouldn’t be standing behind me asking me questions he doesn’t want the answers to. He shouldn’t be close enough that I can feel the heat radiating from his body and smell the new cologne he’s wearing, though it can’t mask the pure smell that is Aaron…and holy shite when did I get so melodramatic?

It’s the alcohol talking, obviously.

“Shit, come on.”

It takes a few moments before I realize he’s grabbed me by the arm and is currently dragging me down the hallway. He must find what he’s looking for because he opens a door and shoves me through it…of course we’re in a stairwell.

“Alright, talk,” comes from Aaron as I slump to the floor, standing isn’t really working. Besides the floor and I have become good friends.

_Well trash does end up on the floor…before it gets thrown away._

Yeah, yeah it sure does.

“I don’t have anything to say. You can leave me here…Diane’ll be looking for ya. She doesn’t like for Andy to be alone.” I say, closing my eyes and resting my head against the wall behind me.

“What?”

“Diane, she doesn’t want Andy to be left alone. You should go back and sit with him.”

“What are you doing here Robert? Everyone said you were missing, gone. That you had pushed everyone away and left. So what are ya doing here?”

Nothing. I’ve got nothing to share with him, so I keep my mouth shut. It’s a lesson I learned too late, but put to good use right now. If I don’t say anything he’ll leave and since I can’t be arsed to move hopefully he’ll get the hint. He really doesn’t want to know the answer to those questions anyway. I’m not sure I have answers to them. Why can’t he just leave?

But from the sound of it he doesn’t move. I wait long moments and then open my eyes and he’s still standing there, staring at me. I can’t read the look in his eyes, and in this moment I know he’s changed. I could always read him before, I could always tell exactly what he was thinking, he was an open book to me. Now I’ve got no idea what’s going on in his head, and I can’t decide if that hurts or is a relief.

“I’m obviously not going to say anything so you can go.” I’m pretty proud that that sounded almost normal, maybe now he’ll actually leave.

“Christ, look at you. I thought mum was making it up, but she was right, you’re a complete disaster. Her and Paddy warned me, but this is somethin’ else.”

I just stare at him, let him talk, it’ll be better for us both.

“What, you’ve got nothing to say to me? Andy is lying in that bed because of you. What’d you come here to finish him off? How’d you get in here anyway, I thought you were banned from seeing him?”

I can’t tell him that I’ve been sneaking into see Andy every day since I was kicked out. Waiting for Diane to take the short breaks she does can be stifling, but inevitably she ends up leaving the room for a few minutes each day. It gives me enough time to apologize as many times as I’m able to before needing another drink. I started bringing something to drink with me just the other day. It helps me say ‘I’m sorry’ a few more times before finally having to leave.

I can’t tell him any of that, so I just let him keep going.

“God, you’re pathetic. Ruining peoples’ lives still, making everything about you; destroying those that don’t deserve it when you walk away without a scratch on ya. Your family is in pieces, and that’s on you. Vic couldn’t even look at me this morning when I asked about Andy. Diane’s had to leave her life in Emmerdale to stay here with him. How could you do this to Sarah and Jack?”

I should feel shame, guilt, at least embarrassment, but all that I feel is relief. Finally, someone is telling me exactly what I am, exactly the person I’ve always been and will always be. It’s like I needed the permission to be absolutely nothing and Aaron has given that to me. I think I could probably stay in this stairwell forever.

I need to thank him for this, “You’re right. Thank you. I’ve done all those things, and more. My family is better without me, thank you for confirming it, no one else seemed to believe me.”

I finally look directly at him, his honesty about me breaking down any barrier to my dignity. I thought he’d look detached, or distant, or impassive, something to let me know he’d finally giving up on me. Because he really should.

But I find the opposite. He’s looking at me with such intensity that if I was sober I would have turned away immediately, but my alcohol addled brain just stares at him.

He’s really fucking beautiful.

And even though I’m drunk and in the least arousing place ever, my cock takes an interest at that look. It has been such a long time since I’ve been able to look, let alone stare at him. He looks good. So healthy, and happy, and content. There were times I thought he looked like that with me, the first time in the hotel springs to mind, but it’s been such a long time since I’ve seen anything like happiness from him when he looks at me.

Plus it’s been a bloody long time since anyone besides me has touched my cock.

I’m still staring when he finally looks away, out the small window in the door. He takes a breath in and releases it before looking back at me.

“Where are you staying?”

“Huh?”

“Where. Are. You. Staying?”

“I don’t understand.”

“You’re hotel or flat, where is it?”

Why does he want to know where I’m staying?

“Why?”

He lets out a breath, closes his eyes and pinches the bridge of his nose. It’s such a familiar sight I can’t help but try a smirk, it’s been awhile since I had any reason to do that. It drops as soon as it arrives though, it doesn’t feel right.

He finally opens his eyes, but looks at a spot over my shoulder before replying, “Because I’m gonna put you in a cab and make sure ya get there, you don’t look like you can tell which way is up right now.”

“Aaron, this is hardly wasted for me. I’ll be fine…you can leave now.”

And I really would like him to, the fact that I haven’t been to sleep in the past day seems to find this time to make itself known. I’d really like to just sleep where I am, it doesn’t seem like the stairwell gets used too much anyway.

Once again he’s quiet, maybe I’ve finally won.

“What do you mean this is nothin’? You can barely walk?”

I laugh out loud at that and watch his startled reaction before I say, “Trust me, this is not drunk. This is pleasantly buzzed, and you’re killin’ it, so you can leave me alone. Run along now. Run back to your mum and Paddy, or Adam. Even Andy, they all need you. I don’t…I don’t need you.”

He makes a scathing noise at that and just rolls his eye. Why does he have to be so Aaron right now? Why can’t he just be a bastard and leave me alone.

“You gonna get yourself out of this hospital by yourself then?”

“Yeah, because I told you, I’m not drunk.”

“Alright. Let’s go then.”

“What?”

“You heard me, if you’re not drunk you can get yourself out of here. You’re not supposed to be in hospital anyway, so I’ll walk you out the door.”

“God, you’re an arsehole. You come back after 6 months and think you know me anymore. I’ve lost hours before, even an entire day one time after drinking. This, this is nothing.” It sounds like I’m bragging, and maybe I am.

“Well, I’m still gonna make sure you get out, alright?”

“Why don’t you get it Aaron? I don’t need you to take care of me, I don’t want you to take care of me. Go back to France, live your life, fuck as many guys as possible, and leave me alone!” It would have been better if I hadn’t slurred my last three words together, but it needed to be said. I’m not sure how else to get him to leave me alone. I’ve tried guilting him into going back to Andy, rubbing Chas and Paddy in his face, and now just yelling at him. Something would work, maybe, eventually.

“Fine,” Thank God it finally worked, “but I’m gonna tell Diane you were here.”

Betrayal, that’s the first thing that pops into my head. I snap my head up and stare at him, rushing to my feet as quickly as possible. It turns into me falling, stumbling and making an absolute arse out of myself, but a minute later I’m on my feet, swaying in front of him. I’d really like to reach out and grab ahold of him to help me stand upright but the urge to punch him fights with that thought, so I end up doing nothing.

“You fucking arsehole, how dare you threaten me?”

“I’m not threatening you Robert. I’m telling Diane for Andy’s sake, and for yours.” He tells with me, with such certainty in his voice.

“Go to hell Aaron! Didn’t you hear me before? I don’t need you so you can stay the fuck out of my life. You don’t know shit about me, not anymore!”

“You already said that.” He replies.

“Fuck you!” I spit back at him. The fact that his face has remained calm and unaltered through this makes me even angrier.

“No Robert, fuck you. You think I like coming back here and seeing you? Coming to hospital on my first day home seem like fun to you? My entire family has been lying to me for the past month. You think it’s brilliant that they’ve had to hide what happened from me? You happy that I had to find out what was going on by forcing Mum and Paddy to tell me. They couldn’t even tell me about Andy because it involved _you_. I ended up not trusting a word coming out of their mouths, because of YOU! So don’t talk to me about staying the hell away, even in France you’re wrecking my life. Why can’t you stay away from me and my family?” His voice never really raises, in fact he seems to almost be whispering by the end, but I can hear him as clear as anything, and the coldness in it almost knocks me over.

He slams out the door before I realized he’s even moved.

_Well Sugden at least you got what you wanted…you’re alone again._

No I’m not, I’ve got you to keep my company.

___________________________________________________________________

Somehow I end up in the right hotel room, not sure how I do, but I recognize the threadbare carpet, musty curtains, and well-worn pea green duvet in front of me. It’s been my home for the past two weeks, pretty soon though I’m going to run out of money and then who knows where I’ll be.

_That’ll bottle of vodka will help you forget about that…and Aaron._

I’m not sure anything can make me forget Aaron…but might as well try.

I grab the bottle and down as much of it as I can in one swallow. It doesn’t even really burn anymore, just numbs. Everything is better when you can’t feel it…

Aaron is really fucking beautiful…

_More vodka…_

Andy looked the same, like he’s sleeping…

Diane looked tired…

_More vodka…_

I loved Aaron once…

_He didn’t love you, drink more…_

I think I’ll sleep now…

_You do that…_

__________________________________________________________________

The sun is shining…at least I think it is, the light though seems unnatural, even through my still closed eyes. It feels like I’m in bed, though it doesn’t seem like there are any blankets over me. I try and stretch, move muscles that feel like they haven’t changed position in a long while. The slightest movement brings pain, just about everywhere, and something feels wrong, off. Yeah I drank a lot yesterday, but nothing more than usual, right? Think Sugden, what they hell happened.

I finally try and sneak an eye open, and the intensity of the light forces me to close it immediately. Panic starts to form, I shouldn’t hurt like this, and from the small sliver I could see I’m not in my hotel room. Oh, fuck, what the hell happened?

I try and roll over, to get my bearings without opening my eyes, and discover I’m not alone. My hand hits a warm body as my arm falls to the side. Someone is in the bed with me, and I have no idea who it is. The pain of moving and the panic of knowing I’m not alone and in a strange place make my stomach roll. Fighting down the nausea I lay still for a moment longer, praying to whatever god I can, that whoever is next to me doesn’t wake up.

Steeling myself for the pain to come I open my eyes, panic overruling every other need. I try and focus my eyes and wait for the rush of nausea to subside. Above me is a white ceiling, cracks running through it, pipes and beams exposed. I can tell the light now is in fact sunlight, and I slowly and painfully turn my head to see huge windows with no coverings, the windows are frosted and dirty giving it the unnatural look I had been fooled by.

Even though my eyes feel like they are covered in grit I look over the room. It’s sparsely furnished, and everything seems to be in this one area. The kitchenette is tucked into one corner, the living room with a TV and couch is next to it taking up the rest of that wall. The bedroom is just a bed and a wardrobe. No walls separate anything except what I assume is the bathroom, it’s to the right of where I am and is the only other door I see besides what must be the front door. The walls are brick and bare, the floor concrete, it’s not a welcoming place. It’s hard surfaces and unfinished thoughts, nothing like the man that I had hoped was lying next to me.

Unable to avoid it any longer, I look at the person who actually is there and immediately realize I have no recollection of the man next to me. I don’t know who he is, where I’ve met him, or how we came to be in what I would guess is his flat.

I just want out, I want out of this place, out of this town, to leave my family, and my life. Everything, all of it, I don’t want this anymore. Why is this my life now? When did it go so wrong?

My self-pity gets interrupted by sound and movement from beside me. An arm gets thrown my way and his fingers latch onto my wrist. I only now realize that I’m completely and totally starker’s’.

The fingers of the stranger tighten and with surprising strength pull at me. I hold my breath, hoping that he won’t fully wake. I don’t want to face this nameless man. He relaxes, and I let go of my breath. His dark hair and the pillow hide most of his features, but I can tell who he reminds me of. I would bet more than I have left in my wallet that if his eyes were open they would be blue. No wonder I let him take me to some strange place and, from the feel of it, fuck me into the mattress all night.

I hadn’t tried to pull since that night at Bar West, when everything had turned into such a disaster.

The tears and more drinking will come, right now I need to leave. My body protests as I start to move with more purpose. I slowly and carefully pry the sleeping man’s fingers from my arm. I stifle the groan that arises as I roll over and sit up, tentatively placing my feet on the floor. The pain is more than that of a good screwing, more even than that of hard one. I don’t want to think about why my entire body feels like it’s been run over repeatedly, or why my brain feels like it’s been singed from the inside out. I’ll focus on it later, now I need to keep willing my body forward.

The floor hurts my feet and I look for my clothes with as minimal movement as possible, any jarring motion brings sharp pain to my head and radiates down my neck and back. I stumble toward what I hope are my jeans, not having any desire to spend the extra time looking for my pants. The dizziness and nausea that arrive when I bend over to pick up my trousers bring me to my knees. Shaking from the effort it took to do that simple task I think it’ll be easier to crawl to my shirt which is only a few meters away. I gather my clothes and struggle along to try and find my shoes. Trying to focus on anything that may help, I think it’s probable they are by the front door. Now I just have to get myself there.

I find them where I thought they’d be and sit against the wall next to the door. I try and brace myself for what’s to come as I move to begin dressing. The groan that escapes my mouth makes the man in the bed move. Panic starts forcing my movements forward once again, I don’t want to face him.

_More like you don’t want to face what you’ve done._

That to.

I begin to button my jeans, when I hear a voice from the other side of the room.

“Leaving so soon, sunshine?”

I don’t reply, I focus on the damn button that won’t seem to work. More rustling from the bed tells me the stranger has at least sat up.

“Seriously, you don’t have to go so soon, I’ve enjoyed the past two days.”

Snapping my head up is painful, but his words pull my attention from the damnable button.

My throat feels like sandpaper, and my voice comes out scratchy and horse, like it hasn’t been used in a long while, “What do you mean two days?”

“Wow love, way to make a guy feel special. Can’t even remember how good I was. That’d hurt my ego if I didn’t have your screams to remind me exactly how much you loved it, even if you can’t.” He’s cocky and sarcastic, I’d normally find that appealing, now it’s just one more thing that adds to the confusion.

“I don’t understand.”

“What don’t you understand about having amazing sex?”

“No, I mean…I don’t understand…how I got here.” It’s the least of my worries, but it’s the only one I want to voice right now.

“It’s called a club, love. And pulling, if you didn’t know,” comes the sarcastic voice.

“What about the two days?” I whisper.

“What?”

“I asked, what about the two days?”

“Well you enjoyed my company and my favors so much you decided not to leave.”

“For two days?” I ask in disbelief.

“I had company over last night with some more ways to have fun, and you decided to stick around.”

“Company?” I can’t hide the horror that seeps into my voice.

He smirks at me, “Yes love, company. You seemed so… _interested_ in them that you begged to stay another night. I dare say they enjoyed you as much as you enjoyed them.”

_Slut_

“What...why…why don’t I remember anything?”

“Usually happens when you combine alcohol and E, especially when you’re not used to it sunshine.”

“Ecstasy?”

“God love, you were so beautiful on it. Those lovely hands and that mouth, so talented. You made the most gorgeous sounds, surprised my neighbors didn’t come knocking. Their fault they missed out on such an amazing arse.”

Vomit rises to the back of my throat and I feel as if I’m suffocating. I can’t be here, I can’t hear this, it’s not true.

“I need to leave.” I’m not sure I’ve said it out loud or to myself, until he replies.

“Well you should definitely leave your number, we should do this again. I know my mates would love to see you some other time as well.” With that he lays back down, turning over and pulling the duvet up to his ears, leaving me to my own devices.

Forget the pain, I throw my shirt over my head and reach for the door handle. Trying to stand is too difficult, and I have no dignity left, so crawling out the door is my only option. I close the door behind me and sit against the wall next to it, willing my body and mind to do anything. Anything except think about what I’ve just learned.

Tears prick in my eyes. This isn’t how it’s supposed to be. I’m not supposed to be sitting outside a stranger’s flat, sore, recovering from who knows what is in my system, not remembering who I had sex with.

_Yes you are. This is your life now. This is what you deserve. It’s your payback for all the lives you’ve ruined. You don’t deserve better than this. No one loves you, you’ve destroyed all their lives, and they hate you. How many times do I have to tell you that? No one wants to see you ever again. I thought we’d agreed on that._

There’s still one person who loves me.

_Ha, who could ever love you like this. You’re worthless, you’re pathetic, no one will ever love you again-_

SHUT UP!

I pull my phone from my pants pocket and hover my finger over the one name that might still want anything to do with me.

“Hello,” comes the voice down the line, hesitant and unsure.

“It’s me.”

“Where are you Robert?”

The tears so close to falling earlier, come streaming down my face now. Through choked sobs I reply, “I don’t know…”

“Are you alright?”

“No.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, hopefully it wasn't to bad for anyone. Let me know what you think, comments and reviews are always welcome!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: myfavorite26.tumblr.com


	11. It All Falls Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Vic flinches as I raise my voice in the confined space. “I don’t care if you have to crawl out of wherever you are, find me some way to find you.”
> 
> Hoping to God I haven’t scared him off, that he hasn’t hung up, we wait in silence.
> 
> “Robert?” I repeat once again. I think I’ve said his name more times in the last 15 minutes than I have in the last 6 months.
> 
> But it’s a relief when I hear, “Give me a goddamn minute to get to the street, Livesy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright just a heads up, there's smut in this chapter (hence the rating change). 
> 
> I've never written any smut, so if it's awful please just bear with me. If you don't want to read it all you need to do is skip ahead to the last paragraph of the flashback.
> 
> Once again I apologize for the late update, I was sick and then on vacation, but to make up for it this is a really long chapter!

 

** It All Falls Apart **

****

** Aaron **

_“I think this is a record.”_

_“What?”_

_Robert laughed, “I think I’ve seen you naked more times in the last four days than since we started up.”_

_“That’s not a complaint is it?”_

_“Does it sound like I’m complaining?” And with that Robert rolls me onto my back, settles himself between my legs, and kisses me. Not quick and hard, not slow and passionate, but steady and devouring._

_His hands begin their track of my body. I love it when he does this, when he takes his time and explores, when he lets go of the rush, the frantic urgency, and uses the time we have here to learn every inch of me. I do the same to him constantly, but fuck it’s brilliant when he returns the favor._

_It had been weird the first night or two, being in Home Farm, being with him here. We had rushed like always. But now we knew we at least had the night, and most of the day. It’s Easter tomorrow, no work and no plans; no leaving the bed, or the couch, or the shower unless we want to._

_His mouth soon follows his hands. His tongue dips into the hollow at the base of my throat after he kisses his way down my jaw. He bites lightly at my collar bone and then moves back up to my right ear to place an open mouthed kiss just below it. I gasp as always when he does that, embarrassingly he found that particular spot not too long ago and has exploited it ever since. Who knew such an innocent spot could cause me such pleasure, and bring him so much amusement as well as a place to constantly assault to bring me over the edge._

_He shifts his body lower as his hands find the back of my thighs and knees, and his tongue circles one nipple before once again biting down lightly, then harder to get the response out of me he wants. My groan and slight arch toward him brings a smile I can feel against my chest before he moves on. The bastard really has a thing for instant gratification, and biting, and knowing what effect he has on me._

_I stay silent as his tongue traces down the center of my stomach, stopping when he reaches my bellybutton. Though when his chin brushes the top of my hard and leaking cock I moan again, reaching for more contact he moves to my hip instead, placing small bites and then lapping over them with his tongue. Christ, I hate to admit it, but he’s fantastic at pulling me apart without even touching my cock or arse._

_“Robert...”_

_“Yes?” I hear the smirk behind the question, the arrogance behind the fact that he’s close to making me beg for more._

_“Fuck, Rob, come on…please?”_

_He can get me to beg like no one else ever has, and while I should be embarrassed, I also know what the thought of me begging does to him. He loves being able to affect me like this, being able to get me to say and do things I never would in public, or with anyone else._

_“Please what, Aaron?” comes his muffled response. He is now employed with kissing my inner thigh tracing his lips down to my knee before pushing my leg up and kissing the back of it up toward my arse and hopefully his final goal._

_He stops and drops my leg when I don’t respond and again I don’t give a flying fuck about the very small whimper that comes out of my mouth. He kneels back on his heels, and raises an eyebrow as he levels a steady gaze at me, all the while continuing to run his fingertips lightly up and down the inside of my thighs, stopping just before they meet anything important._

_I hold out for just a moment longer but know that I’ll give in first. It amazes me that I’m so free with him, after everything that’s happened, I still give myself over completely when we are alone. Maybe it’s because when we are alone I can forget for a time what we’re doing is wrong in everyone else’s eyes. Or maybe it’s because when no one else is around that’s exactly how he treats me, like I’m the only one in the world, the only one he wants to be with, the only one that matters. It probably also has to do with the fact that that he’s bloody fantastic in bed._

_A light touch and a sliding finger towards my entrance brings me back to where we were. I instantly respond by rolling my hips forward and parting my knees even more. He smiles down at me as he rubs a finger over my entrance. Still somewhat slick from the last time we did this only about an hour go, his finger slides smoothly in and crooks immediately, looking for his favorite spot on my body. He loves when he finds it a moment later and I gasp and move my hips even more toward him._

_He runs the thumb of his other hand across my lips before leaning forward and kissing me hard and insistent, he pulls away minutes later and leans towards my ear, “God, I love you like this. Have I told you that before?”_

_“Yes,” comes out breathy and is followed quickly by another gasp and a shudder as he adds as second finger to join the first brushing demandingly against my prostate._

_“Good, don’t ever forget that.”_

_And then all talking stops as he moves his mouth back to mine, biting along my bottom lip as his fingers work inside me. He takes full advantage of another gasp and pushes his tongue into my mouth and starts flicking it in time with his fingers as they continue to work inside me._

_He’s relentless and I’m unsure how much longer I can survive his onslaught without completely losing it, though he seems to be in no hurry even as I try to use all the usual tricks. I’m writhing under him and not being quiet or reserved about exactly what I want, but he’s a fucking bastard and knows exactly what he’s doing._

_I finally pull away from his mouth and throw my head back against the pillow. Trying to find some relief I start shamelessly rutting against his hip. That finally gets his attention. Enough that he pulls back and breaks all contact with my body. My eyes fly open and I can’t fight the arch of my body as it tries to follow his fingers and the curve of his hip._

_I see him lean over to grab the lube from the bedside table and hope finally we’re going to get this show on the road. I’m all for taking my time and enjoying everything, but eventually a bloke can only handle so much. He picks up the bottle but just hands it to me, and I can’t hide the confusion that crosses my face as I lock eyes with him. He raises an eyebrow and breaks into a smile that only I ever get to see. He never shares this amount of genuine happiness with anyone else; I should know, I’ve seen what his fake smile looks like, it’s nowhere near this luminous or warm, and I can’t deny the flutter in my stomach every time I get to see it._

_And even though he’s kneeling over me and could take what he wants, I see the option in this move. He leaves it up to me to do what I want. He’s become more comfortable with us switching. It’s not something I’ve experienced with a lot of other guys, but he’s warmed up to it, even though we don’t do it that often. Though right now all I want is to be a part of him so there’s no real decision to make. I flip open the cap, pour a generous amount into my hand and sit up slightly so I can slick him up, using the excess to reach down and prepare myself some more._

_He’s eyes went dark at the touch of my hand upon him, and they go positively black at the sight of me entering my own body. He looks up at me for a moment and then back down at my hand twisting and scissoring myself open. I don’t need this much prep, but I know what it does to him and after the bastard pulled me along for so long earlier it can be his turn to wait._

_“Rob,” comes out of my mouth husky and quietly, but it’s enough to bring his gaze up to mine. He begins to drop his eyes and I say his name again, shaking my head. I want to see him, I want to watch him as I reach for the spot that he loves so much. Once I begin to actively search it only takes a few moments to feel the brush of electricity run through my body, I gasp but don’t break eye contact, relentlessly reaching again and again. My cock is hard and leaking, almost painfully from the extended stimulation of my fingers and Robert’s before me, but the look of absolute lust that he is currently fixing me with is enough to keep me working for a few more minutes._

_I don’t know who moves first but my hand is quickly shoved out of the way and he covers my body as I reach up for him wrapping an arm around his broad shoulders and crushing my mouth to his. As one hand supports him he reaches down and takes himself in hand to brush the head of his cock against my entrance. In one long smooth thrust he fully seats himself inside my body. I would never,_ **never** _admit it to him (his ego is big enough) but his cock is perfect. It’s amazing how we fit together, I know he feels it and understands this as much as I do._

_He stills for a moment and I take the time to feel the fullness, the stretch, the warmth as he fully touches every part of me he can. I don’t want him to pull away and break our kiss, because breathing him in when we’re like this makes my head spin even faster, but he does and begins a slow and steady pace._

_He takes his time, watching my face with every thrust forward, knowing when he hits my prostate and keeping to that angle at a maddeningly slow pace. The drag of him in and out of me has me shaking before long. Crazy at the pace he has set I start raising up to meet him with each thrust, driving myself onto him quickly hoping he will just move faster._

_He eventually does, but only because he has me begging, pleases mix with a string of almost unintelligible swear words, gasps, and cries. Feeling completely pulled apart by him moving so perfectly inside me, surrounded by his body and touched constantly by his hands and mouth, it’s not long before I feel the familiar tightness gathering in my spine and working its way toward my bollocks. His hand works in between our bodies and he wraps a hot hand around my leaking cock, moving it in time with his thrusts, driving me to the absolute edge._

_“Fuck, Rob, please, please...”_

_“Look at me Aaron…fuck, just look at me…”_

_As our eyes meet I know it’s enough, he’s so close. His sweat soaked fringe clings to his forehead, his face is pink from the energy he is giving me and looms just over mine, his eyes, unfocused and hazy a moment before, narrow into complete focus on me. I try to not close my eyes at the pleasure starting to pull me apart, ripping itself through my very core. But the intensity with which he looks at me keeps me here, keeps me focused on him._

_As my orgasm builds and finally blacks everything out I throw my head back feeling the spill of myself coat my stomach and knowing that it’s running over his as well, the thought of painting him with my release enough to bring another twitch and shudder to my cock._

_Seconds later I feel Robert still above me, letting go a gasp and then a moan, and I feel his release inside me, and fuck if I don’t love being a part of him right now. Two more minimal thrusts and he collapses on top of me. Spent but sated we lay like that until he probably realizes he’s crushing me and he rolls off, pulling out and flopping his freakishly long arms and legs off of me as we lay and catch our breath._

_Not wanting to, but needing to, I roll over towards him and he wraps an arm around my shoulders pulling me to him as I lay my head on his shoulder and wrap a leg over his. Never before had I wanted to cuddle afterward, never had I wanted to lay with someone like this, sweaty and covered in come, but with him I do. And fuck if it’s not scary that I want that part of this as well._

_“Well…” comes Robert’s sleep heavy voice from next to me._

_He doesn’t say anything else so I speak up, “Well, what?”_

_“Well, that was fucking brilliant.”_

_That stupid, happy grin that he brings to my face plants itself there now and I can’t be arsed to care about it._

_“Glad you enjoyed yourself.”_

_“Oh, and you didn’t?” He says still sleepily but with a little annoyance in his voice. My smile widens as I love being with him here and still giving him shite even after what we just shared._

_I give a non-committal grunt and try and shrug my shoulder, knowing it’ll get to him even more._

_For being so tired a minute ago the force with which he throws me on my back and pins me to the bed is surprising._

_“That’s all I’m gonna get? No thank you for an amazing shag? No thank you for rocking your world? No thank you, I love it when you do that thing? Nothing? Just a grunt and a shrug. Maybe next time you do all the work and I’ll just lay there?!” he tries to say with some arrogance. But it just turns into him not trying to smile like a complete and total idiot as he scolds me, and eventually he leans down for a kiss. I lean up and he just briefly brushes my lips before pulling back._

_“On second thought,” he begins, a laugh behind his words, “I think I’ll hold out for a thank you before returning any favors. You know, don’t want to give without receiving.”_

_“You’re such a bastard,” I laugh out before flipping him over and wrestling with him, tying the sheets in knots around us and making a complete mess of the bed._

_His laughter and mine mix as we act like complete idiots, and I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow, or the next day after, but I know that in this moment I love him._

 

‘What a fucking bastard!’ is all I can think as I storm out of the stairwell. All I wanted to do was try and at least get him some help, even though he didn’t realize it.

He looked terrible.

I storm back to Andy, and discover as I approach his room that I’m trembling. Robert fucking Sugden still has this effect on me…and I absolutely hate it.

Christ, he looked so lost.

I retake my chair and try to calm down, Diane is going to be back any minute I would bet and she can’t know I left.

She can’t know Robert was here.

Like she heard me thinking about her, Diane comes through the door a moment later.

“Alright?” she asks handing me a cup that has tea in it.

“Yeah, all good.” I hesitate for a moment.

I don’t want to pile on anymore to her grief, but seeing Robert has given me more questions than answers, and I don’t know who else to ask about him.

“Diane, can I ask ya something?”

“Of course.” She smiles slightly, probably already realizing that I’ve asked a question.

“It’s about Robert.”

Her face falls considerably, but she doesn’t shut me down or ask me not to continue. Taking that for as much encouragement as I’m going to get, I rush to get everything out.

“Mum and Paddy told me what happened with Chrissie and Home Farm, and how he began drinking more, and how he pushed you and everyone else away. What they didn’t tell me is why. Why did he start destroying his life? Why did he start wrecking everything?”

She looks at me for a moment before briefly running her gaze over Andy and then settling on staring out the window.

“Honestly, we don’t know Aaron. He was doing fine until the beginning of summer, then it was like the lights went off sometime at the end of May.

“He and Chrissie had that rough patch and he was working so hard to get back into her good graces. Then he just stopped, he tried to hold on, but the drinking increased. No one seemed to get through to him, and then it just built and built until he was unreachable.”

The end of May, that’s just after I left.

Fortunately Diane starts speaking again, distracting me for a moment before that thought takes over.

“We tried, Vic and I, we tried to get through to him. To let him know we still loved and cared for him, but he pushed and pushed and pushed. Andy was the only one that didn’t give up, or at least, didn’t get scared off.”

I think about good Robert is at pushing people away. He only holds onto the ones who can provide him with what he values but doesn’t have. Once he gets what he wants he leaves you, in the most painful way possible.

“You know he found him one night,” Diane continues, nodding to Andy in the bed, “Robert I mean. Andy found him wandering through the fields around Home Farm the night he left Chrissie. Drunk, freezing, completely out of it. That was about a month before the accident.”

She stops to take a breath and I think I should stop her. It’s clear how much this hurts her, how Robert being the reason for Andy laying in that bed has broken her heart.

“It’s alright Diane. You don’t need to say anything else. I get it.”

“I’m glad you do, because no one else does. What would make him throw everything away? Why would he do that? What would make him do this to Andy?”

I shouldn’t feel guilty. Robert made this decision. He chose to drink, to throw his life away, to become this person. But all I can think about is that this happened after I left, and it sounds like it started almost as soon as I moved to France.

My guilt takes over and I have to apologize, “I’m sorry Diane, I’m sorry I wasn’t here.”

“Why should you be sorry? It’s not like you could have done anything, you and Robert weren’t even mates. Business acquaintances at best I would say. No. No one saw this coming, no one understands it, and now he’s gone. “

Guilt is eating away at me and I would really like to get out of here as soon as possible. My counselor’s voice pops into my head and reminds me to focus on what I can control, and that’s the here and the now. It also reminds me once again that I’m not responsible for anyone else’s actions, only my own.

“Has anyone heard from him in a while?” I ask, after taking a breath.

Diane focuses completely back on Andy and just shakes her head, she hasn’t said it but I know our conversation is over. I shouldn’t have even brought it up, but I had to know what everyone else saw while I was away, and what they think now.

But for me nothing is clear. After what everyone has said seeing him made it even worse. He destroyed himself. Imploded is the word my counselor would use. It describes perfectly the path Robert has taken and after seeing him today I believe it even more.

I decide it’s time leave, “Diane I’ll get out of your way now.”

She turns and gives me a watery smile and squeezes my arm.

“Thank you for coming. It’s nice to have new visitors. Andy would appreciate you driving down here for a mate.”

That hurts even though she’s trying to thank me for something I felt obliged to do. I haven’t been a very good mate to Andy for a while now.

 

Two days after my visit to hospital I’m no clearer on what to think, which is why I’m sitting in the cafe avoiding as many people as possible.

Coming home was going to be hard, I knew that. Even if Robert hadn’t self-destructed and put Andy in a coma and made it impossible for my family and friends to be honest with me about their lives while I was gone. It still would have been hard to deal with him if he was with Chrissie, happy, _rich_ and rubbing it in my face that he was doing just fine without me around.

I think this is worse though.

He was a wreck, completely and totally. After everything that’s happened I still don’t want to see him in that much pain. He wasn’t the Robert I knew, and I can admit, loved at one time.

The trouble is I don’t know what, if anything, I can do about it. And do I really _want_ to do anything to help? My time in France has made me look at things more clearly, but I can’t forget the shite he pulled. The way he destroyed so much of my life, blew apart other people’s lives and never apologized. He lied, manipulated, and used me, his family, and the entire village at times just to get what he wanted. He hurt people he claimed to love, not just me, in an effort to get ahead and secure his position.

After I got back from hospital everyone acted like it was all back to normal. I knew their secret and it didn’t matter anymore that Andy was laid up and Diane was not around. It didn’t matter that Robert had destroyed an entire family, this time his own, and his own life in the process. After blowing up at mum last night she made a point that didn’t really help my mood; they’d all been dealing with this for over a month now.

“Actually longer than that,” she had gone on, “we’ve all been here for Robert’s downward spiral. We’ve seen the disaster he’s become, we know the terrible things he’s done. So forgive us for trying to go on with our lives without worrying about Robert sodding Sugden.”

“You don’t have to be worried about him. I just don’t know how you can forget about Andy and Diane and what they’re dealing with?”

“We are worried about ‘em, of course we are. But to you this just happened, for us we’ve dealt with initial shock and anger. Now we’re just tryin’ to keep moving forward, support Diane as much as we can, and hope and pray for the best outcome for Andy.”

“It wouldn’t have been such a shock if you would of told me anything while I was gone.” I continued. If we we’re gonna have it out we might as well do it all.

“I already said I didn’t want to tell you about Andy over the phone-“

I interrupted her then, angry that she wasn’t getting my point, “I don’t just mean about Andy. You could have told me something about Robert in the 7 months I was gone. At least given me some idea of what was happening.”

She looked as angry as I felt and spit the next sentence out at me, “Right, because that would have been such a great thing for you to hear. He was the reason you left, he was the reason you began hurting yourself last time. No way in hell was I gonna to let you think you had anything to do with him destroying his own life. That was all his fault, telling you would have only hurt the progress you were making.”

She was right, I didn’t tell her that, but she was right. Hearing about the way Robert’s life was going would have been bad, really _really_ bad for my health a few months ago. But I was stronger, I had gotten better, and I could have handle at least some of what was going on. It felt like she was still treating me like a child, or that I was going to start hurting myself with any bad bit of bad news that came my way.

Marlon had walked in then to ask a question about the pub and I had walked out, I’d avoided her ever since.

The shadow that falls over me now brings me back to the café and the people that are around me. I look up and see Vic nervously staring down at me and then looking at the chair across from me, I just nod my head and she sits.

We hadn’t talked since that first day I got back, when I’d finally found out about everything. As she sits in front of me I feel guilty because I hadn’t called or gone to see her since visiting Andy. I’d selfishly been so wrapped up in my own thoughts about what was going on that I hadn’t even thought to seek her out and actually be a mate, like I was supposed to be.

“Alright?” comes out of my mouth, and it feels really pathetic for the situation.

She only gives me a small smile and answers with, “Yeah, you know, never better.”

God I feel like a complete arse. “Sorry, I know you’re not, I’m an idiot for asking.”

“It’s alright, that’s how everyone was at the beginning. No one really knew what to say to me or Diane. It’s gotten better though.”

“Yeah, sorry. It feels like it just happened, like I’m still gettin’ used to it. I’ll try not to be such an arse in the future.”

Vic actually laughs a little at that, and it eases some of the tension. “That might be hard for ya. Doesn’t arse come along with your job description?”

“Thanks for that.”

“You’ve been gone for 7 months Aaron, I’ve only got three weeks to make up for all the time you’ve been missing. Expect a lot of those gems while you’re here.”

It’s good to hear her laugh, it feels like we both need it.

Once she stops laughing at her own joke, she asks, “What are ya doing today? Anything fun?”

“Don’t think so. Gonna visit Adam at the scrapyard later is all. See what mess he’s made of everything while I’ve been gone.” I smirk at her as she gives me a scathing look.

“Yeah, yeah, save it. You obviously thought he could handle it when you left on your holiday to France, so no cracks about the job he’s been doing.”

I don’t get to answer her as my phone starts ringing. Thinking it’s mum I almost ignore it but decide to look just in case it’s Adam cancelling our plans, or even someone in France needing something.

The number isn’t familiar, but it’s a local one so I pick up.

There’s a moment of silence on the other end and I almost hang up again before speaking.

“Hello?”

“It’s me.” Robert’s voice comes over the line small and weak. Two words is all he says and I’m terrified at how he sounds; broken and battered and like he doesn’t have enough strength to say anything else. The connection isn’t great and I don’t want to lose him.

I look at Vic before speaking again, “Where are you Robert?” It would be impossible for Vic’s eyes to get any bigger after I say his name.

A sob comes over the mobile and I stand, like I can run to him, like I can save him, “I don’t know…” comes his reply.

I head out of the café, Vic basically tripping over my feet right behind me as I try and think where to head. I need a car, and start heading toward the pub.

“Are you alright?” He’s not, I can tell, but please don’t let him be in a gutter somewhere.

“No.” comes out so quiet I almost miss it. But it’s the sound of the sobs wracking his body that has me running to mum’s car.

“Robert look around you. Does anything look familiar?”

“It’s just a building…with flats. That’s all I know.” He sounds out of it, like he’s too tired to put that many words together.

“Are you still in Hotten?” I try to say with less panic in my voice than I’m feeling. It’s a Monday morning, why does he sound like that on a Monday morning?

“I don’t know.” He’s not crying to hard now, he just sounds exhausted. But my panic rises higher at the fact that he doesn’t even know what town he’s in.

I finally reach the backdoor of the pub and wretch the door open, praying that the hall is empty; it thankfully is. I grab my mum’s keys on the table and run back outside to find Vic standing next to the car waiting on me to unlock it and get in.

I realize he’s been quiet the whole time I’ve gotten the car running and started down the road.

“Robert.”

“Robert!”

Silence

“ROBERT!”

“Alright.” Finally comes over the line.

“Can you see outside? Are you outside? Look for a street sign, something that’ll give me a clue where you are.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m trying to find you, you prat.” I shouldn’t call him names, but maybe it’ll get some kind of rise out of him. Anything would be better than how he sounds right now.

“Why?” he says again. I don’t know if he didn’t hear or he truly doesn’t understand why I would come get him when he sounds so messed up and broken.

Choosing to ignore his question, I push the button to put him on speaker phone and hold my mobile out for Vic to hear as well.

“Robert,” I try again, “are you outside?”

“No.”

“Can you go outside? No one’s making you stay somewhere you don’t want to, right?”

“I’m not sure I can walk.” I glance at Vic as she hears her brother’s voice and her eyes begin to water at the sound and what he says.

“But no one’s hurting you right? No one has hurt you?”

Silence again. I never understood what people meant when they said that silence is deafening, but this is. This silence is terrifyingly loud.

“Robert?” Vic speaks for the first time, she’s crying but trying so hard not to.

“Vic?”

“Robert, where are ya? Please just tell us.” I hand her the phone hoping maybe she can get through to him. She keeps it on speaker as I drive towards Hotten, hoping to God that’s where he is.

“I’m sorry Vic, I’m so sorry, I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t mean for this to happen.” He pleads with her.

“I know Robert, but we need to find you. Can you call an ambulance or the police?”

“No,” It’s the strongest he’s sounded all call, “I don’t want anyone else to find me.”

Vic looks over at me and I can see she feels as stuck as I do. He doesn’t know where he’s at, won’t call the police, and would probably be spooked and disappear if we tried. Time to try something different.

“Robert fucking Sugden, get off your arse and get to a street corner now!” Vic flinches as I raise my voice in the confined space. “I don’t care if you have to crawl out of wherever you are, find me some way to find you.”

Hoping to God I haven’t scared him off, that he hasn’t hung up, we wait in silence.

“Robert?” I repeat once again. I think I’ve said his name more times in the last 15 minutes than I have in the last 6 months.

But it’s a relief when I hear, “Give me a goddamn minute to get to the street, Livesy.”

I let a small sigh of relief go, he sounds very slightly like the Robert I’m used to. His breathing is becoming labored over the phone, like it’s taking all his energy and effort to move.

“I’m in Hotten.” He finally says.

“You are? How do you know?” I ask, wanting to be sure we are headed in the right way.

“I’m sure……I can see the top of the hospital.”

“Can you see a road sign?”

“Yeah.”

I wait thinking he’s going to keep going, but it’s silent.

“Sugden, telling me the fucking road sign you see in front of you!” Getting angry at him worked before, hopefully it’ll work again.

“Will you make me go to hospital?” he sounds exhausted again, and nervous for some reason.

I open my mouth to say of course we are, he sounds bloody awful. But Vic interrupts.

“Only if you need to go Rob. It’ll be your decision.” I must look like an idiot with my mouth hanging open but when I chance a glance at her I know she’s right. He sounds scared enough to run again, and every part of me doesn’t want him to disappear now that he’s finally reaching out for help.

“Town and Ripley. I’m on the corner of Town and Ripley.”

Vic pulls out her phone and enters the intersection into her navigation. It’s on the other side of the city.

“We’ll be there in 8 minutes, Robert.” Vic tells him as we start to pull into the town proper. I nod my head at her and she takes the mobile off speaker and talks directly to him.

As I navigate through the city following the directions on Vic’s mobile I try not to eavesdrop on their conversation. There are a lot of long pauses, and ‘it’s alright’ and ‘I knows’ from her end. It’s mid-morning on a Monday so the traffic isn’t terrible as we pull onto Town Rd. headed for Ripley St. I start looking for a familiar mop of blond hair.

Vic’s still on the phone with him when I hear her shout out, “I see you. Aaron he’s right there!”

If she hadn’t been with me I’m not sure I would have recognized the man sitting on the pavement against the dirty brick building. I’d only seen him two or three days ago, but he looked as if he had been through a war since then. Head back and eyes closed his face is unnaturally pale, his eyes are sunken with black rings under them so dark it looked like he had been punched, and his hair is a mess. He had on a jacket that was crumpled, but only one shoe. In this area, in front of that building, he could have been mistaken for being homeless.

He finally opens his eyes as I stop at the curb in front of him, Vic’s door is open and she is out of the car before I even put it in park.

She throws herself at him falling to the ground as she awkwardly hugs him as hard as she can. He hesitantly wraps his arms around her for a moment, before holding on just as hard as she is. Feeling like an outsider, I hang back. They need this time, and as I hear ‘sorry’ over and over again in Robert’s voice and tears from both of them. I’m more than glad she was there when I got his call.

After long minutes she finally pulls back and he looks at me only for a moment before dropping his eyes, pulling his knees to his chest, and holding his head in his hands. I approach like he’s a wounded animal, and I suppose he is. He’s hurt, and I can now tell scared as well, he only wraps himself up like this when he’s afraid. As I kneel down in front of him I have no idea what to say.

“Hey.” Finally comes out, it’s lame and weak, but it’s all I’ve got right now.

He at least picks his head up and looks at me when I talk to him. His eyes are hazy and unfocused, and bloodshot.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I’m sorry…I messed up. I didn’t want to have to call you.”

“It’s alright, let’s go yeah?” I say, trying to sound reassuring.

“I didn’t know…who else to call…or who would take my call.” He ends with a tightness in his throat and I just want to reach out to him.

“I know Robert, it’s alright, let’s get out of here.” I try again to get him up and moving. I reach out and put a hand under his arm to help him up and surprisingly he doesn’t flinch away. Vic reaches for the other arm and we bodily lift him to his feet. It’s like he can’t do anything but let go and let us move him. He doesn’t put up a fight but he doesn’t help us either.

If Vic has any questions about why he called _me_ of all people she keeps them to herself. Though knowing her at some point she’s going to ask and want an answer, but I don’t care right now, all I want is to get him out of here.

Once on his feet he leans completely on me. I can’t help think of the last time I held him like this, right before I left when he was drunk and scared. Scared of being alone, scared of losing everything he thought was important.

His hand is clammy and I can see sweat rolling down his face and soaking his fringe despite the December weather outside. He’s hot to the touch and it doesn’t take a doctor to figure out he’s got a fever. He’s definitely ill, and I can’t help but be upset that Vic promised him we wouldn’t take him to hospital without his ok. I’m not sure what’s going on, but he’s in bad shape and we have to somehow now convince him to let us take him to A and E.

“I’m sorry,” he says again as his head falls on my shoulder and he stumbles over his feet almost pitching us to the pavement. Vic’s got the door open waiting for us to get there but it’s like dragging around a six foot tall toddler that’s just learning to walk. I’m not sure we’re ever going to make it to the car but I finally manage to get him deposited in the front seat. Vic buckles him in and closes his door carefully.

She catches my eye over the top of the car looking scared but determined and speaks quietly so he won’t hear us, “Alright, let’s get to A and E.”

“What? I thought you said we’d only go if he said it was alright.” I say confused. I had started preparing what I was going to say to both of them to try and convince her and Robert that he had to go to hospital.

“You didn’t really think I was going to let him not go and get checked out did you?” is her answer to my confusion.

“But you said-“

“Aaron, I said what I needed to so that we could find him. Now get in and let’s go.”

“What if tries to run when we get there?”

“He won’t.”

“How do you know?” I ask in disbelief.

“I’m his sister, I’ll get him to stay. Let’s go.”

As we climb back into the car I’m almost certain he’s asleep, he’s quiet and I can just see the gentle rise and fall of his chest. I start up the car and pull away, heading toward a very familiar building.

He stirs just as we turn on the main road to the hospital entrance, he’s either not aware of where we are or doesn’t care because he turns his head and I can feel him try and focus his eyes on me.

I catch his eye for a moment before focusing back on the road in front of me. I jump when I feel his fingertips brush the back of my hand resting on the gear knob. He lets them linger there for a moment before moving them up and wrapping his long fingers around my wrist where he holds on with what feels like all the strength he has left.

“I missed you.” I hear him say quietly as we reach our destination.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments are always welcome!


	12. Nowhere To Go But Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have to decide now. I have to decide what I want, how I want to live my life. I run through everything. Everything that’s happened since I returned to Emmerdale. The fights, the lies, the anger. But also the few bright spots, and how good things can be. What it felt like to have Vic, and Diane, in my life. To know I’m good at my job, and succeed in it.   
> To know what it’s like to love someone, and have them love you back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! I am so sorry for the late update. Between the holidays and a dose of writer's block I finally got this chapter finished only a month or so late! Like I said before though, I'm not going to abandon this, I'll finish completely it just may be a little longer between updates at times.
> 
> Enjoy!

**_ Nowhere To Go But Up _ **

** Robert **

The urge to touch him is too great. I stop fighting and reach out, hoping he’s not going to flinch back, fortunately he can’t with his hand on the gear knob. Despite the chill outside his hand is warm, and I realize how cold my fingers actually are.

Everything is hazy, muddled, like I’m looking at it through a veil. And for an instant I’m afraid it’s all a dream. That Aaron really isn’t next to me, that Vic isn’t in the back seat, that they hadn’t come to get me.

I grab his wrist in the hopes that it grounds me, and the warmth of him does. The next words slip out, true but shame-filled.

“I missed you.”

I have no right to say them and hope for an instant that he hadn’t heard me, but the look on his face tells me he has heard and I close my eyes against the sight of the man I loved wincing slightly at such a statement.

In the midst of everything I don’t realize we’ve stopped moving until Vic is opening my car door.

Sometime during the ride over I’ve started shaking and can’t seem to stop. The tremors that started in that man’s flat have increased significantly after the effort it took to pull myself out onto the street and sitting there waiting for them. My head is pounding, the shaking is making my teeth chatter, and I can’t seem to focus on anything but the pain surrounding me.

I feel arms trying to lift me from the car but I can’t be arsed to care, sleeping seems to be what my body wants and I have no energy to fight it anymore. Vic’s face swims in front of me for a second before everything finally falls black.

-**-*-**-

Christ, where is that godawful beeping sound coming from?

_Can’t believe you actually made it through that._

Fuck, not now, seriously, not fucking now.

At least silence from that voice follows, now to figure out why it sounded as if someone was trying to drill into me head with that constant bloody beeping. Opening my eyes might help with that.

Opening them proves to be a more difficult task than one would think. It feels as if they are glued shut and even the muscles used for that simple task felt too exhausted to work.

Finally working up the courage and strength I slip an eye open and immediately close it again with a moan, the light feels like a stab directly to the most sensitive part of my battered brain.

“Robert?” it sounds like Vic is trying to remain quiet but the volume of her voice remains uncomfortably loud anyway.

I really would like to answer her, but that requires energy that I really don’t have at the moment.

“Hang on just a moment, let me call the nurse.” The sound that reaches me is of Vic standing and walking to the door.

Once she’s gone I try and get my bearings, something greatly hindered by my refusal to actually open my eyes. I don’t get very far before hearing someone else speak my name.

Diane’s voice is quiet, but just as gentle as I would expect to hear from her. That is if I hadn’t completely ruined Andy’s life and in consequence all of ours.

I force my eyes open, blinking past the pain and find her sitting in the chair opposite to where Vic must have been.

I meet her eyes and before I can think anything else, “I’m sorry” falls from my mouth. My throat is dry and it hurts to talk, but it only seems a small penance for what I’ve done.

She nods and reaches for my hand, but I know it’s not enough so I continue, “I’m sorry for everything. I didn’t mean any of it. I didn’t mean to hurt Andy, I didn’t mean to hurt you and Vic. I’m so sorry.” Tears, that are so readily available anymore, start falling and close up my throat making any more words impossible.

“I know Robert, I know.” She holds my hand but doesn’t say anymore.

Silence fills the room as I try and reign in the flow of tears that continue to fall embarrassingly. The pain in my head is subsiding somewhat and with it the nightmare of the last few weeks return. My body still feels sore and tired like I’ve run a race with no training. Or been run over with a lorry, either one seems to fit. The shaking has thankfully stopped, but I’m now hot and sweaty, sticking to the sheets on the hospital bed.

I stop and stare disbelievingly at the stark white sheet in my hand.

“I’m in hospital?” it should be a rhetorical question. Vic had just said she was going to get the nurse, the bloody beeping sound now made sense and if I had just focused a tiny bit on the room around me everything would have clicked sooner.

But for some reason nothing makes sense about how or why I got here.

Diane is saved from answering such an idiotic question when Vic returns with a nurse following right behind her.

The nurse, who seems vaguely familiar, starts looking at the machines around me as she asks, “How are you feeling Mr. Sugden?”

I can only reply with, “Confused.”

“That’s perfectly normal after what you’ve been through. Any dizziness? Nausea?”

“Just…just a headache. Can I have something for that?” it’s not exactly the truth but it feels like the most pressing matter.

“I’ll mention it to the doctor, he should be in in just a few minutes. If you need anything just press this button here,” she indicates a small button on the side of the bed, “and I’ll be right in.” She smiles as she writes something on the chart at my feet and then walks out the door.

It’s quiet again as I stare at the ceiling above me, and I think I should say something, break the tension. It’s my fault there even is any, but I’m tired, and I think now that they know I’m alright it’s more likely than not that they’ll leave me here, alone, just like I’ve asked them to for so many months now.

The silence stretches on and on, but Diane is still holding my hand and that helps ground me, until she releases it and stands.

“I’m gonna go look in on Andy.” She doesn’t say it with any malice, just states the fact and then walks out the door.

My eyes follow her progress before the door closes behind her and the rock lodged in my throat drops to my stomach.

“How are you feeling Robert? Are ya hungry? I can get the nurse to bring you something?” Vic is trying to fill the silence and it makes me try and smile. She never really liked the quiet, even as a kid.

“I could eat. Actually I could really use some water, is there any?”

Vic picks up a plastic cup with a straw in it and hands it to me. Until it hits my lips I don’t realize how thirsty I am. I finish it quickly and hope that the nurse will bring more with dinner? Or lunch?

“What time is it?”

“Just after noon.” Vic replies.

“I’ve only been here a few hours?” It doesn’t make much sense because I know it was still morning when I finally made it out of that flat…since Aaron came to get me.

“No Rob, you’ve been here more than a day.”

That freezes me for a moment. “What do you mean I’ve been here for more than a day?” She has to be wrong, there’s no way I’ve been out for that long, no way I’ve lost that much time again.

“It’s Tuesday afternoon, you’ve been unconscious since we brought you in yesterday.”

“Why?” it still doesn’t make any sense.

“Look, the doctor’s gonna be here in a few minutes he can answer those questions, yeah?” Vic doesn’t meet my eye when she says this and it makes the churning in my stomach increase. All thoughts of food completely forgotten.

“Why can’t you tell me?”

She’s fidgeting now, and still not meeting my gaze, never a good sign.

“I just think it would be better for the doctor to talk to ya, he knows better what’s going on with-“

She’s interrupted from going any further as two doctors come through the door, followed closely by Diane. She’s back and looks as if she’s going to stay while the doctor talks to me, well us.

“Mr. Sugden, it’s good to see you awake. I’m Dr. Smith and this is Dr. Robinson. You’ve been under my care since you got here.” His voice is thin and quiet. He doesn’t say anymore as he grabs the chart hanging at the end of my bed and begins looking over the machines next to me, taking notes as he goes. Dr. Robinson hangs back only observing the scene he has walked into. I notice him looking at me more often than not as he takes an interest in observing me while I watch Dr. Smith. This continues for a few minutes before I can’t handle it anymore.

“What’s wrong with me?” the niggling worry in the back of my mind about why I’ve been unconscious for an entire day, about why I’ve been admitted, about why Vic wouldn’t tell me what’s going on and why Diane felt the need to come back for this has grown into an all-consuming fear…something is wrong, I just know it.

“You were very dehydrated when you came in. With the cocktail of drugs and alcohol in your body we felt it better to help you sleep while they worked themselves out of your system. We’ve given you IV fluids and something for the pain, although that should be wearing off relatively soon. Once you’ve finished with Dr. Robinson we’ll talk more about where we go from here.”

I want to ask him more, to ask if there is anything else they found. But I don’t think I can get the words out in front of Vic and Diane. Besides I really don’t want to think about that right now. So I do what I’ve done for the last few months…ignore it.

“Alright. But why do I have to talk to him if you are the one that’s been taking care of me?”

“I’ll let Dr. Robinson explain that to you.” He says as he hangs my chart back up. “Physically you are on the mend, but it’s going to take some time to completely recover. I’ll be back in a bit to check on you.” And with that he quickly turns and walks out the door he walked in only moments before.

I try not to glare at the man in front of me, but the overwhelming fear over what has brought me here and what has kept me here make it difficult to do anything but that.

“So even though he’s my doctor, I’m supposed to ask you what’s going on?” it comes out patronizing and ungrateful.

Dr. Robinson makes himself comfortable in the chair that Diane had vacated earlier and I know immediately this is going to be as bad I think it is. Diane is now sitting in the chair on the opposite side with Vic perched on the arm and I chance a glance at them for moment. Even though they are trying it doesn’t give me any sense of ease to see their forced looks of comfort.

“Yes,” he states simply and then waits.

I don’t want to ask. I don’t want to be the one holding up the conversation. The look on his face though tells me that’s exactly what he expects. But for a few long moments I don’t. I sit and see if I can wait him out. Normally I would try something familiar to either smooth things over or get a rise out of him, like I do to everyone else in my life. But the look in his eye, his demeanor, and what I suspect is his profession have me confused for a moment in how to proceed. Christ, I’m completely losing my touch.

My indignation though can only last so long against the need to understand what the hell happened, and if he is the only one willing to answer that I’ll ask what I need without giving anything away.

“Alright, so are you gonna tell me what the hell is going on? Or just sit there and stare at me, for fuck’s sake.”

I hear a small sigh of what can only be disapproval from the other side of the room, but choose to ignore it in favor of keeping eye contact with the good doctor. His serene look of understanding is really starting to piss me off.

“You see Mr. Sugden,” Dr. Robinson begins, “that’s a very difficult question to answer simply. It’s going to require you to talk about what’s been going on over the last few months.

“Your step-mother and sister have been able to fill me in some, but now that you’re awake we’re going to have to get a complete picture of what’s going on so we know where to go from here.”

He pauses and thank god he does. I already know I’m not going to be able to do that. I don’t want to talk about what’s gone on, I don’t want to think about it, that’s why I’ve been drinking for the last six months. He’s a fucking doctor, doesn’t he understand that?

“I don’t want to talk about that.” I’m sure I sound like a sulking child, but it’s not happening, not now, not ever.  “Just fix me up doc and I’ll be on my way.”

“I’m sorry Robert, and I know this is difficult, but if you want to get to better, we need to have this discussion.” He remains reassuring but speaks more firmly.

“When did I say anything about wanting to get better?”

I hear Diane sigh again, but it’s Vic who speaks up next.

“You called for help yesterday Rob and we want to help you. Please just listen to what he has to say.”

“Talking about my feelings and what’s been going on isn’t going to help. Just give me whatever medicine I need so I can get out of here.”

“But it could Rob, please just try. We want you to be healthy and come back to us.” Vic says with a shaky voice and unshed tears in her eyes.

I’ve worked too hard to get them out of my life, I can’t let them back in now only to destroy them as I did Andy.

“No. And if you keep pushing this I’m going to sign myself out. I’ll go and I’ll really disappear this time, so leave it.”

“Robert, please don’t even threaten that. We’re only trying to help. We just want what’s best for you, like always. We’ve only ever wanted what was best for you.” Diane implores.

It hurts to hear the pain in her voice, it always has. I’m not a complete bastard, I know I’m hurting them but at least they aren’t in Andy’s position. I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt anyone else like that.

“Don’t you see, that’s what Andy wanted, and look where it got him?”

“I know Robert,” Diane replies again, “but now there’s someone else here. Someone that can provide real help, more than anything we could do. Please Robert, just let us all help you.”

The throbbing in my head that had dulled somewhat is coming back with a vengeance, bad enough that I have to lay my head back and close my eyes. The churning of my stomach is beginning to tie it in knots, and the aches that I had tried to ignore, or that had been covered up, are returning painfully.

“Mr. Sugden if you have not been able to guess already I’m a psychologist-“

“Yeah, no shit.”

“-and I’m here because your stepmother and sister are concerned that you are going to hurt yourself even further if you don’t get some help.”

I want to raise my head and give them a glare, to feel betrayed, but the throbbing in my head and the ache in my body make it difficult to even rouse that much indignation.

“I can guess that right now that you are feeling really terrible. Your head is probably pounding, your stomach I’m sure feels like it’s revolting, and the aches in your body are making it feel like you have the flu. Am I right?” it’s rhetorical, but he pauses, waiting for an answer.

Once he says it it’s like everything feels so much worse. The pain increases substantially enough that I think about asking for something to help. The only answer I can give him is a small groan and to slide down further in bed, pulling the blanket and sheet up further around me.

He must actually take that for an answer and goes on, “You’re currently feeling the effects of alcohol withdrawal. It’s much like any other addict coming off of any drug-“

“I’m not an addict.” It hurts to say out loud, but how dare he even say that word around me.

“But you are Robert. You are an alcoholic, even though it’s only been 6 months, you are addicted to the way alcohol makes you feel, makes you forget, the way it makes everything seem better.” His voice doesn’t raise at all, but it still feels like he’s shouting.

“But it hasn’t been better has it,” he continues, “not for a long while. Things seem easier for a little bit. You forget what’s going on, you sleep even though you’re actually just passing out, but then you wake up and remember everything.”

“Shut up.”

“You remember the divorce, losing your job-“

“Shut up.”

“-pushing your family and friends away. You remember the accident.”

_Probably also Aaron, and the absolute shite you put him through._

“I said shut the fuck up!” I try to yell, but it hurts, and I don’t know if it’s from his words or the withdrawal, but bloody hell he needs to shut up, now. Everyone just needs to shut the hell up.

“Robert, you need to face what’s gone on and what’s going to happen if things don’t change. Once you recognize what is happening, what has happened, then we can help you. But walking around entirely ignoring that you have a problem is only going to wind up killing you. I’m sorry if that sounds severe, but after landing here because of this behavior I’m not going to make it easy for you to ignore that you have a problem any longer.” Dr. Robinson finishes and pauses again, waiting for my response.

_You don’t have a problem do you Robert, just a guilty conscience._

Fuck, not right now. I can’t handle anymore. It’s as I think this that I realize there are tears once again behind my eyes threatening to fall over.

“Just leave me alone, all I want is to be left alone.”

Silence follows my statement, and for a moment with my eyes closed and not a sound from the rest of the room I’m thinking maybe I imagined all of this. That this is some kind of terrible dream and that I’ll wake up now in my bed and none of this will be real.

Though what bed would I wake up in? Home Farm, the Pub, Andy’s place, the shitty hotel I’ve been in for the last few weeks? How long have I been asleep? The tears return then, not a torrent, but just enough that I’m sure it doesn’t go unnoticed by everyone when I wipe them away.

Dr. Robinson finally breaks the silence, “I’m sorry Robert but that’s the problem, you’ve been trying to do this alone. And you can’t anymore, you have people that love you and want to help.”

I want to say something about this sounding like a bad reality show, but can’t get around the lump in my throat as the tears continue and I wipe them away as quickly as they fall.

I don’t even know what to say. I’m tired, everything hurts, and I’m not entirely sure I understood everything he just said. Part of me says there is no way Vic and Diane still care about me, but there they sit, next to my bed, waiting for a response. Another part of me thinks how much easier this would all be to handle with at least a drink or two in me. But the largest part just says fuck it and wants to go to sleep.  

“Robert?” comes Vic’s voice pleadingly. I turn my head at look at her and Diane, really look at them for the first time in what seems like forever. They should be so angry with me. They should hate me for what I’ve done, for who I’ve become. Hell, I hate myself. But neither of them are looking at me with anything but determination. I’ve seen that look from both of them, and I know it means after everything they won’t give up. They may be disappointed and hate the things I’ve done, but they don’t hate me.

“I’m sorry,” I say through the tears that are falling in earnest now. “Please don’t make me do this. I’ll be better, I can get better. I won’t drink anymore, I promise. Just please don’t make me do this.”

Diane reaches out and holds my hand and Vic places a hand on my arm.

“I love you…we love you,” Diane begins, “and whatever has been going on, whatever has caused this, we want to help. We are family and that means you aren’t ever gonna be rid of us.” She finishes with a slight smile on her face at her attempt at levity.

“She’s right Robert, you’re stuck with us.” Vic chimes in.

And I want to just leave it at that, but of course that fucking voice in the back of my brain can’t leave it alone.

_What about Andy?_

“What about Andy?” I say. Can they really sit here and say all of these things with Andy somewhere else in this hospital because I put him there?

“You’re guilt over what happened to your brother is something we’re going to have to deal with absolutely.” Dr. Robinson speaks before anyone else can and my eyes stray towards him. “But you can’t do it alone. You shouldn’t have to do it alone, that’s what we’re all trying to say here. Will you let us help you?”

I pause for a moment, biding time by laying my head back on the pillows and closing my eyes.

“People really say that kind of shite?” I finally say. Between Vic, Diane, the pounding in my head, the thoughts racing around about everything I’ve done, everything I’ve been through in the last few months it’s my last lame defense against giving in and accepting what they are offering.

“I don’t know about other people but I certainly do.” Dr. Robinsons replies his voice holding a promise of comfort and support that is completely terrifying.

After fighting so hard to keep them out of my life am I really going to give in this easily?

_What a wanker, seriously can’t believe you’re getting this fucking emotional over some soppy goddamn family reunion._

I’m so fucking tired. I don’t want to think about this anymore. I don’t want to talk about this anymore.

“Can I have something for my head? And…and some time alone. Just to think, that’s all, just to think.”

“Robert, avoiding this isn’t going to make it go away.” Dr. Robinson says.

“I know, I’m not trying to avoid it, I just need some quiet. Some peace and quiet, and maybe something for the pain. I feel like complete shite.”

With my head back and eyes closed I feel as if I could fall asleep right now if it weren’t for the pounding in my head and the aches and shivers running through my body. Silence descends for a few moments quiet enough for me to hear the silent glances that I’m sure are being shared throughout the room.

“Alright Robert, we’ll leave it here for now. I’ll get Dr. Smith and the nurse to come in and give you something for the pain and the nausea. Try and rest some, I’ll come see you later this evening.”

I nod my head without opening my eyes and hear the doctor get up and leave the room.

“Do you want us to go as well love?” Diane asks.

I crack my eyes open, but don’t raise my head, that would take too much effort right now. I’m not sure what I want, they are definitely a sight for sore eyes, but I really do just want some quiet, and maybe to get some more sleep.

“Can you stay until I fall asleep?” now I really do sound like a child, but at this point I could care less.

-* *-*-* *-

I have a dream about Aaron. That’s what wakes me up, that’s why I’m up now staring at the ceiling of my dark and empty room. It had been about us, what had happened or what we were doing I can’t remember. But this longing I feel as I fully wake up hurts…it must have been a good dream.

Reality starts to intrude and the image of Aaron finding me as I huddled on that disgusting pavement, and what he must have thought, take over the pleasant space my head had tried tricking me into.

Fortunately the absolute throbbing in my head I had fallen asleep to has calmed down to a dull roar. I feel more awake than I did last time I woke up. And more focused on the absolute disaster I have turned into.

Dr. Robinson had staged what amounted to an intervention, after I had been unconscious for an entire day…after Aaron had come to get me because I had lost two days in the flat of some stranger.

Fuck…what must he think? What must they all think?

_Ah, finally remember what happened did ya?_

The strange flat…the two missing days…what that guy had said. It all comes back in one fell swoop, and has me grabbing the pan next to my bed and losing whatever is left in my stomach.

Fucking hell…apparently I can’t do anything right. I should have left Aaron out of this. He doesn’t need the disaster I’ve become in his life.

He seemed so strong, so put together, so… _complete_ the two times I’ve seen him. France has been so good for him it seems. He’s…he’s everything I’m not.

God, why did he even agree to come get me? He doesn’t need this, I can’t do this to him, I can’t keep thinking about him. I can’t call him when I need something just because I know he’s back. I can’t destroy him anymore than I already have.

Too bad he walks through my door just as I think this.

It’s dark enough and I’m still laying unmoving on the bed that I could just close my eyes and pretend I hadn’t heard or seen him walk in.

“Robert?”

As soon as he says my name though I know I’m not going to be able to ignore him. No matter what I just told myself there is no way I can ignore the fact that he’s standing in my hospital room; that he’s come back to see me after coming to get me from some random stranger’s flat; that he’s here despite the fact that I yelled at him for trying to help me last time we were in this hospital.

I might be a coward, but I can’t ignore Aaron Livesy.

“Yeah?”

“Sorry, didn’t mean to wake ya. Should I go?” he sounds hesitant, but only because he truly didn’t want to wake me. At least that’s what I tell myself.

“No.” it comes out scratchy, I clear my throat and try again. “No, it’s alright you can come in.”

He steps fully into the room and reaches for the light switch next to the door. I almost tell him not to turn the light on, but the pain in my head is a small penance to pay for being able to actually see him. Who knows how many more times he’s actually going to want to be around me?

_Especially when he finds out the truth about what happened before he came to get you._

I close my eyes as the light comes on but try to quickly adjust. He could be here to yell at me and be done in less than a minute. I know it’s pathetic but I want to be able to see as much of him as I can.

A flash of memory comes back and I cringe for a minute over what I admitted in the car just before passing out…I really did miss him.

He takes the chair Dr. Robinson had been seated in earlier as I adjust to a more upright position. I don’t want to have whatever conversation we’re going to be having laying flat on my back.

Once settled I can’t help but stare at him and it only confirms everything I had come to realize just moments before…he looks amazing, like completely bloody brilliant.

We fall into a silence that I’m afraid is going to continue for a while, Aaron was never huge on conversation and I can’t think of a single thing to say.

“How are you?”

Apparently Aaron has no trouble starting a conversation now.

“If I said fine would you believe me?”

“Not a chance.”

“Then I’ll just say at least I’m awake and leave it at that.” I try to say offhandedly, it comes out more morose than I had planned on. The look Aaron gives me confirms that very quickly.

“Sorry,” I apologize, “seemed funnier in my head.”

Silence descends again, uncomfortable and loaded like a bomb waiting to go off.

“What happened Robert?” Aaron finally asks. His voice low and filled with concern doesn’t just suggest the last few days, he means what’s happened since he’s been gone. It hurts to hear that in his voice, I don’t deserve his worry.

I close my eyes and lay my head back because I really don’t want to face his questions. Mainly because he of all people could actually get me to talk. I owe him so much and after everything maybe I at least can pay him back with the truth.

“You really don’t want to know.” I finally answer still not looking at him. It’s easier to avoid the truth without looking in his eyes.

“What if I do? Christ Robert, I come back after a few months and find-“

 I lift my head and look directly at him, interrupting whatever he was going to say next, “Seven, it’s been seven months.”

He pauses for a moment and I see confusion and then anger mixed with the ever-present hurt settle on his face, “I’m not going to apologize for leaving Robert.”

“No, I know, you shouldn’t apologize for leaving,” way to fuck this up Sugden, “I just meant it’s been more than a few months, I can’t easily explain everything that happened in that amount of time.”

“Why don’t ya start by telling me what happened this weekend?”

“No.” It’s out before he finishes the last syllable of his question. He’ll never know what happened this weekend if I have anything to say about it.

He looks at me so intently that I have to look away, the shame flooding my face and burning my cheeks. And now I feel it, that wall that I built between us before he left has become a fortress. It’s never going to be how it was. I hurt him, contributed to him hurting himself, and then proved to be the worst kind of coward by pushing him away and making him leave.

And now there is no going back. He can’t ever know about what I’ve done, the things I’ve thought, or the way I’ve treated everyone while he’s been gone.

It’s now I realize how much better off he is that he left me behind.

I look back at him and feel this truth down to my bones with nothing but contempt for myself and how pathetic I really am. He looks at me while I come to this realization and while maybe I can’t read him like I use to, he knows something major is going on in my head. His eyes widen a fraction and he licks and bites his bottom lip, signs he’s building up to say something…something that I’m not going to like.

“I’m not a complete idiot Robert. I come to pick you up outside of someone’s flat and have to bring you to hospital. You’re then unconscious for almost two days and aren’t allowed to see anyone until this evening, I think I’ve got a pretty good idea of what happened.”

If possible my face burns deeper with shame and I fight the urge to curl up on my side and ignore him until he leaves. As it is I turn and look out the window opposite him and try and pretend I can see anything interesting in the darkness outside, ignoring the screaming in my head of how senseless I’ve been to think he wouldn’t know, that he wouldn’t have heard about everything I’ve done.

“Robert…Robert, come on, don’t ignore me…Honestly what the fuck is wrong with you?”

I turn around and start yelling at him, it’s the only thing I can do, “A fuck ton of shite, Aaron! That’s the problem wouldn’t you say. I’m fucked for life. No matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I’m always gonna end up on the losing end because I put myself there. It’s a good thing you got away from me when you could, you might be in Andy’s place if you’d stayed.” The anger I start my tirade with gives out as that thought enters my head and the last word cracks as I truly think about Aaron like that.

I stare at Aaron as I imagine him being the one laying with me that night as I tried to get us help. Aaron being the one dug out of the wreckage and lifted into the ambulance. Aaron being the one I’ve been visiting secretly because no way in hell would Chas let me anywhere near him. Aaron being so badly injured that he might never be able to walk, talk, or care for himself again. And Jesus Christ doesn’t that hurt, that I could have wrecked him like I did my brother.

Aaron takes in my rant for a few long minutes, staring at me as though he’s trying to decide what next to say, and I don’t have the courage to look at him any longer. I let my focus find a spot on the wall just over his shoulder and stare at it as though nothing could be more important.

“Did you start drinking because I left?”

I try and scoff, but am so surprised how exacting he hit the nail on the head it comes out something between that and a gasp of utter surprise. I can’t let him know how close he is to the truth though.

“You don’t think highly of yourself do ya?”

“It’s just that everyone said you start this all at the beginning of the summer, I left in May, so…”

“I wasn’t drinking any more than I always did.” I begin, lying is such a second nature, this should be easy, “Chrissie and I were having problems and then work became too much so I started drinking a little more. Nothing to worry about though. If that accident with Andy hadn’t happened everything would be just fine. Everyone’s making such a gigantic fucking deal over a little alcohol.”

“Why are you lying? To me of all people?” He says only a moment after I’m done talking.

“You think you’re any different than anyone else. You’ve not been here, why would I treat you any different than those that have been?”

“So you agree at least that you’re lyin’.”

Fucking shite…

“No I’m not lying…I’m just saying that if you…expected more from me than I’ve given anyone else you’re in for a shock.”

This really isn’t going the way I need it to.

“But you have been drinking more. Enough that everything went to shit.” He says it as a statement, no question in his voice and I’m beginning to hate how conceited he is about all this.

“You’ve got it all figured out do ya?” This statement comes with a flash of something familiar, something like acquaintance, we’ve been here before, we’ve fought like this before, maybe not these exact words, but for moment it feels so nice to have something so familiar it’s almost a comfort. Too bad he looks like the fucking cat who got the canary.

“You’re not that complicated, I hate to tell ya.” He replies. He doesn’t say it with malice, but there’s an understanding there that he knows me so well, and I can’t deny that he probably does, or at least did.

“Go ahead, tell me then, if you’ve got it all figured out.” I say and think that it’ll probably be easier this way. He can get whatever he wants to say out of the way and we can be done here. Everything that’s happened, everything my family is expecting of me, everything that Aaron seems to know are weighing me down. If I could get one of these out of the way maybe it wouldn’t feel like my skin was crawling with the need to drink and drink heavily.

“How badly do you want a drink right now?”

“What?” it slips out because I’m in complete shock, that’s not how I thought this was going to start.

“How badly do you want to drink right now? It’s a fairly simple question.” He repeats again.

I stare at him for a long moment. Where the hell is this coming from? Where does he think he’s going with this?

“Why do you want to know that?” I realize a moment too late that I’ve given up a hint of more information than I wanted to. I’ve made it sound like that’s exactly what I want.

“You told me to explain how I’ve got this all figure out, yeah? Well this goes along with it. So if ya could please just answer the question.” He says this with a level of patience I never thought capable from Aaron. That mixed with what I’m sure is still shock makes it seem almost possible to answer, to admit for just a moment, out loud, that I would like nothing more than a drink.

I narrow my eyes at him once again and try and decipher where exactly this is going. What he could possibly mean but then remember my earlier resolve. I just need to deal with him, let him say whatever he wants, and then he’ll leave. Right now getting him to leave seems the easiest option and he’s too stubborn to leave without any gratification on his part, so I’ll do this, I’ll tread as close to the truth as I can and then deny everything after we’re done. It’s nothing more than what I’ve been doing the last few months, in fact in some ways it’s probably better, though how I’m not sure.

“So maybe I want a drink, isn’t that what a lot of people do in stressful situations?”

“Yeah, no doubt there. But how much do you want a drink after being so messed up from this weekend that you had to call me to pick you up, and then being unconscious for almost two days?” He asks quietly.

Alright so he’s not pulling any punches. Well I’m in it now, might as well see if through.

“So I messed up a little, nothing more than I can handle, obviously I’m still here and kicking.”

“Are you happy?”

I scoff at that, “Is anyone?”

“Way to answer a question with a question, arsehole.” Though once again Aaron doesn’t say it with any malice, just honesty.

“Fine, so what if I’m not walking around with rainbows shooting out of my arse. Things don’t have to always be flowers and sunshine.” I say with as much disdain in my voice as I can manage.

“I’m happy, or at least content. I have a good job, friends, a family that may drive me insane, but I know will always look out for me. So yeah, I’m good.” He replies honestly.

“Uh huh, and how have you become such a paragon of happiness?” I say with more venom in my voice than I’m actually feeling; mainly because I’m still trying to maintain my cover and only slightly because there is be a small part of me that really wants to know.

“I got help.”

“Help?” I ask, “Help for what?”

He just gives me a look, like maybe I’m the thickest person he’s ever seen.

Oh…right. I am the thickest person alive.

I look away from him and out the window. Trying to avoid remembering the harm he did to himself, the scars on his body, the excessive exercise that pushed him beyond his limits, finding him in the woods after he had been out there all night.

If it’s this painful to me I’m not sure how he can sit there and talk about it so casually.

“Robert, that’s part of the reason I’m here now. Vic told me what the doctor said, the help that’s been offered to ya. I’m tryin’ to tell you that while it’s scary as fuck, it’s nothing compared to the constant pain of always being on the edge. Not knowing which way today is going to go. Always wondering if it’s going to be today or tomorrow when you push just a little too much, just a little too hard and you can’t come back from this.

“Tell me, do you remember the last few days? Do you remember how you got to that flat? Do you know who you were with? What their name was? Maybe I should ask what you do remember since I saw ya last Friday.”

As he speaks I close my eyes and lay my head back. The first part hurts, the last makes me feel worthless. Because he’s so fucking right, and I want to hate him for it.

But I can’t. I’ve pushed and pushed and pushed, drown myself in alcohol, thrown everything else away. But he’s still here, still present, still a part of me. And while I was angry and hurt and prideful in the face of my family, I’m none of those things in front of Aaron. The only thing I feel with him in this room is shame at everything I’ve done. Shame that he has to see this part of me, that he has to see me as I truly am now.

It hits me harder than Andy did the day before his wedding that I don’t want Aaron to be disappointed in me. I don’t want him to think this little of me. I don’t want him to hate me. In fact I probably want the exact opposite of his hate, but I can’t dwell on that, I’ll never deserve anything from Aaron. I’m guessing I’m even beyond his hatred now.

“Robert?”

I look at him again after he says my name. The tone of his voice makes it impossible to ignore the fact that he’s here and trying to help.

“You’re strong enough to do this.”

He says it with such clarity, no sarcasm in his tone or malice in his words. It’s honest and true, at least to him, and for a moment I believe he might be telling the truth.

“I really don’t think I am.” I reply, because him believing it doesn’t mean I can or will.

“Why not?”

I let out a laugh at that, something sarcastic and unbelieving.

“Really, Aaron? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because instead of trying to handle everything I decided to drink instead? I chose to get annihilated every night instead of trying to fix my marriage, or keep my family together, or keep my job, or…” I lag off because I’m not gonna finish that thought. Not to myself and not to him. I’ve already said too much, I just need to shut up now.

“Or hang on to me?” he says it without wavering or dropping his gaze. God, he really has gotten so much stronger.

“Yeah, well…none of that matters anymore does it? I’ve ruined everything, so what do I do now.” I don’t put is as a question, more a statement of what I don’t have and the uncertainty of where I go from here.

He answers the non-question, “You look up, get help, make amends, and try to make tomorrow better.”

Once again it’s spoken without an ounce of hesitation, or embarrassment. It’s true and straightforward, spoken without sarcasm or animosity.

And it’s the first thing that’s made sense today.

But I don’t understand why he’s doing this. I don’t know what he gets out of sitting here and trying to help me. I also don’t understand how he’s such a different person than he was six months ago, but also completely the same.

“Is that what you did? Looked up, got help?” I ask just one of the questions rolling around in my head, even though I already know the answer. It’s an easier question than the other one trying to get out.

“I already told ya that I did.”

“And it’s easier now? You don’t want…I mean you haven’t thought about…” I’m not saying those words.

“Some days are easier, some are just as hard. Nothing is gonna fix it all, but I deal with things better now. It takes work, every day I try, and the more I try the easier things become. It’s better though, each day gets better.”

I stare at him as he says this. And I don’t know what to think, other than he’s trying so hard to convince me to do this, and I still don’t understand why. Finally the question that was trying to get out before slips out before I fully realize I’m asking it.

“Why are you doing this? Why are you trying to help me?”

Silence follows as he looks at me openly and honestly before he answers.

“Because it’s the right thing to do.”

 ‘It’s the right thing to do’ I try and wrap my head around those words. After everything I’ve done, after everything I’ve put him through, he still wants to do the right thing.

“But I’ve never done right by you…” it comes out of me in a whisper.

He raises his eyebrows for a moment, surprised at my admission, but answers anyway, “I know, but do you remember what I told ya last Christmas? People gave me second and third chances, they never gave up on me. I’m not saying I’m that person for you,” he hesitates for a moment, “but you called me for help yesterday, I see what you’re going through and I just wanted to help if I can. You may not believe it, but Vic and Diane want what’s best for you, I just wanted to make sure you gave them the chance to help you.”

“Are they here, have you seen them?” I swallow around the dryness in my throat, the lump of emotion that so easily wants to form there right now.

“Yeah, I saw them before I came in. Do you wanna see them?”

I have to decide now. I have to decide what I want, how I want to live my life. I run through everything. Everything that’s happened since I returned to Emmerdale. The fights, the lies, the anger. But also the few bright spots, and how good things can be. What it felt like to have Vic, and Diane, in my life. To know I’m good at my job, and succeed in it.

To know what it’s like to love someone, and have them love you back.

I stare at Aaron as all of this flickers quickly through my head. I know I’ve been quiet for a very long time when he shifts in his seat and looks quickly at the door before returning my gaze.

Aaron who I loved, and missed, but didn’t fight for still sitting in my hospital room offering me help makes up my mind more than anything else.

“Yeah, I would like to see them.”

He nods his head and stands, gives me one last look before heading for the door.

“Aaron,” he turns back at the sound of my voice, “could ask them to bring Dr. Robinson with them?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you all liked it. I had so much trouble with Aaron and Robert's conversation, hopefully it all made sense and felt pretty normal. 
> 
> Have a wonderful holiday season everyone!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: myfavorite26.tumblr.com


	13. Where We Go From Here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert was still a part of me, of who I was, and I cared for him in some way that I’m sure my counselor would say was unhealthy, but it didn’t make it any less true. It hurt to see him like he was, to find him curled in on himself outside that flat and imagine what had brought him to that point.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I just wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has commented or found me on tumblr to ask me about this story. I'm having a great time writing and still can't believe you all have stuck with me this long.   
> Not gonna lie, this chapter did not come as easily as some of the others and editing it has been rough. I apologize for any mistakes still in it but I had to get this out before it completely did my head in.   
> I hope you enjoy the new chapter!

** Where We Go From Here **

Aaron

I find Diane and Vic standing with a doctor and glance at the man’s name badge as I approach, Dr. Christopher Robinson. Diane is quiet as Vic speaks to the man standing between them. They quiet down as I approach and wait for me to speak first.

“Robert wants to see all of you.”

I get nothing but stares and silence for a few moments as they seem to absorb this information.

“Alright then, I’ll head in first just as we discussed,” Dr. Robinson finally says, “if you want to come in in 10 minutes, we’ll go from there.”

 I glance at the man again and imagine what it must have been like to face this man down as he staged the intervention Vic told me about. He’s nothing like the counselor I see in Brest but must be good at his job if he makes Robert actually want to speak with him.

“I’m gonna go and check on Andy real quick again love before we go see Robert. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” Diane states and then turns and disappears down the hallway.

I turn to Vic, “Do you want me to stay with ya until Diane comes back, or would you like some down time before you visit Robert?”

She looks at me closely, not nearly as upset as the last time we were alone together. I know Vic, and right now she’s nothing but determined. Hopefully Robert will see that as a positive and not be a complete arsehole to her when she goes back in there.

He seemed finally open to what I was saying, but I’m more exhausted by our discussion than I expected to be. I have no idea what to even make of what I just said in there, or why I said it, and all I want to do is take the entire night and forget about everything that’s been going on. It’d be nice to actually focus on why I’m home, celebrate Christmas with my family, and then go back to my life in France. It seems easier there, quieter, more structured and less chaotic.

Now more than ever I know France was exactly the escape I needed.

“If it’s alright, I’d like you to stay,” Vic interrupts my thoughts, “and you can finally tell me why Robert phoned you instead of anyone else when he needed help.”

Shite…I’m gonna have to lie to her and I really, really don’t want to. One thing I’ve been working on is living as honestly as possible. So much of my life was a lie before I left Emmerdale, I didn’t want to continue that in France. It’s why I told Tommy and everyone at the beginning who I was and that I was gay. It’s why I was, and still am so upset with everyone for keeping the truth from me about Andy and Robert, even though I understand why they did it.

It’s why I was honest with Robert about wanting to help him, it really is the right thing to do.

But I’m gonna have to lie again, Vic can’t find out about me and Robert, it would destroy her and their relationship. Who knows what Vic would think of him, or more selfishly what she would think of me, when she hears that I was sleeping with her brother for months behind everyone’s back.

“I don’t know Vic, really. Maybe I was the only number he still had left in his phone.”

“That’s total shite and you know it.” she says determinedly. “I also know you’re lying to me Aaron Livesy. Don’t forget I’ve known you longer than a lot of people, I can usually tell when you’re lyin’, and right now there’s something you’re not telling me. So please just tell me why Robert phoned you yesterday instead of me or Diane, or even Adam.”

I love Vic but goddamn it that she knows me so fucking well. I’ve hardly ever been able to lie to her, and every time I have it kills me. I’m tempted to turn and just walk away but I can’t turn my back on her. After everything she’s been through, after she’s dealt with Andy and the accident, and Robert and his scandal I don’t want to be the one to make her life any harder. No matter what I say, whether I continue the lie, or tell her some form of the truth, she’ll be hurt and I don’t want to do that.

Maybe I can get away with a half-truth.

“Robert and I were mates.” It’s a good start, at least she’s not yelling at me anymore or  looking at me like I’ve grown horns on the side of my head. She looks…confused, maybe a little disbelieving.

“Mates?”

“Yeah, nothing like Adam and I obviously, but we became friends, sorta, when we were working on the scrapyard.” I almost choke on the word friends, but get it out after forcing myself. Robert and I were a lot of things, but friends were never one of them.

“And no one knew? I never saw you hanging out, having a pint over anything other than business. Adam never said anything, plus Rob’s my brother and he never said anything to me about it either.”

She doesn’t believe me, no need to be a genius to figure that out. And now I’ve dug myself in even deeper because she’s caught me out in another lie and I’m complete crap at this. You would think after being so good at lying for so long a few months off wouldn’t make it this hard to come up with a believable cover.

“Well, we weren’t really close or anything, but yeah we got on.”

“How’d he even know you were in town? Or even in England?”

Shit…that’s good question Vic. And another one I really don’t want to answer. But after staring at her for several long moments I think maybe I can make it work for me.

“I sent him a text after I got back and found out what was going on. I told ya, we were mates at one time, and I just wanted to get in contact with him and let him know I was back and see if he wanted to talk. I never heard back from him so I didn’t mention it to anyone.” It’s dumb and weak and complete crap, and she knows it. When Vic is determined about something she doesn’t let it go. I’ve always thought it was good quality in her, but when it’s aimed at me I’m not so sure.

She stares me down for a few moments before starting in again, “Aaron, I don’t know why you just won’t tell me the truth-“

“Victoria,” comes Diane’s voice from behind me, and I’ve never been so relieved to hear it, “it’s been longer than 10 minutes we need to get in there.”

Vic looks over my shoulder at Diane and watches as she comes to stand next to us. After Diane links her arm with Vic’s she turns toward me.

“Thank you for coming to visit Robert, Aaron. And I know I said this before but thank you again for being the one to get him and bring him in. I’m not sure how it all worked out, but I’m grateful to you for being there when he needed help.”

I nod my head and say, “no problem” before turning away quickly and retreating as fast as I can. Between my conversations with Robert and then Vic I need to get as far away from this hospital as I can.

The last 36 hours have been more confusing than I want to admit. I don’t even know where to begin with Robert. Vic now knows something is up. Andy is still laying in the hospital. My mum wasn’t happy when I said I was going to visit Robert. She and Paddy were upset after they found out what happened yesterday. And in the middle of it all we’re supposed to be celebrating Christmas.

I try and remember what I can control, what I can focus on and that’s getting ready to spend Christmas with my family and friends. I need to put the rest out for my head for a while. I should finish, or maybe begin, my Christmas shopping.

I’ll have to think about what it felt like being with Robert again some other time.

-*_-*-_*-

The last few days before Christmas turned into a blur. Mum had every conceivable Christmas time activity planned for us, including ice skating at the rink in Hotten. How she got me on skates even for 5 minutes I don’t know, I think she just wore me down like she always does. We even baked cookies which turned out completely terrible and had to be tossed. But it made her happy, and it kept me occupied.

Robert still found his way into my thoughts some of the time but I forced myself to stay busy enough to ignore those as much as possible. I never heard anything about what was going on with him until Thursday which also happened to be Christmas Eve.

Adam stopped by to drop off my gift and told me that he was heading up to Hotten with Vic and Diane. They were spending the next two days there since Andy and Robert were still in hospital. When I asked how they were both doing Adam hadn’t had much information. Andy was doing well, they were hoping to wake him up the day after Christmas. Robert was getting better, and was expected to be released today or tomorrow. He’d agreed to get help of some kind, but Adam didn’t know what. That was all I got and then he was out the door.

I was relieved to know that they were both getting better and that things were maybe, finally looking up for them. If anyone deserved it it was that family.

I spent Christmas Eve night tossing and turning. If I was 6 I would have said I was excited about Christmas morning, I wasn’t though and I knew I was awake because I was thinking about Robert. The thoughts I had kept hidden in all of the busyness came flooding back as I laid in the dark wondering what Robert was doing, how much he wanted a drink, and if he had been able to stop himself from drinking or whether he had fought with Diane or Vic when he said he wanted a pint…or five.

I tried to tell myself that I was only interested in how he was doing because it was the right thing to do. He was Vic’s brother after all and he had given Adam and me a chance to start our business. It was completely understandable that I wanted him to be ok for Vic and Diane’s sakes, as well as Andy’s. But since I had worked really hard on not lying to those around me it felt really terrible to lie to myself.

Robert was still a part of me, of who I was, and I cared for him in some way that I’m sure my counselor would say was unhealthy, but it didn’t make it any less true. It hurt to see him like he was, to find him curled in on himself outside that flat and imagine what had brought him to that point.

Vic and I had talked after we brought him to the hospital, and she filled in a few more details about what had gone on while I was away. It wasn’t much info because she hadn’t been in a place to share to much as upset as she was.

I had enough of the picture though to know that everything had really started almost as soon as I left. I told myself again and again that it wasn’t my fault as she sat there telling me about the things he had done and had said to push everyone away. But it didn’t mean I wasn’t desperately sad for what had happened to him and the family that he was a part of.

I don’t blame myself for his self-destruction but I am sorry I wasn’t here to help, I’d like to think I could have been able to save some grief and pain for people I honestly care about.

Christmas day was quieter than I thought it would be considering I was celebrating with a bunch of Dingle’s. I got a Happy Christmas text from Adam with a picture of him and Vic and the godawful jumper she picked out for him as a joke. I wanted to text back and ask how things were going there, but held off. It wasn’t my place to know everything that was going on there.

But I was afraid and more than I wanted to be. I was afraid for what would happen once Robert was released. I was afraid for what my response to him would be when we saw each other again. I was afraid that nothing would change, that he would talk a good game like he always does and then run back to destroying himself. I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to handle him relapsing. It might have made me a coward, but I’d learned self-preservation was important so I didn’t ask about Robert, I just told Adam to have a Happy Christmas and ignored my phone for the rest of the day.

-*_-*-_*-

It’s the day after Christmas now and I’m sitting in our kitchen listening to mum go back and forth over whether we should head to Hotten. Andy’s scheduled to be brought out of his coma today. Vic and Adam are still there with Diane but I hadn’t heard anything from them since Adam’s text yesterday. Mum had spoken to Diane today while I was still asleep. I haven’t asked her if Diane mentioned Robert, I didn’t really want to fight with her this morning.

“If we don’t go does it look like we aren’t worried? Or does it mean we know they need their space and we’ll go when they call and say everything’s alright?”

“What did Diane say this morning on the phone?” I ask tiredly, we’ve been going through this for the last 20 minutes, “Does she want people there? I know Adam and Vic are with them, maybe we should wait and go after someone calls us?” I finish, trying hard to ignore the voice in the back of my head telling me I’m avoiding Robert by telling mum that we should wait until they phone us.

“I don’t know if she wanted us to come over or not. It sounded like she was doing ok, but they’ve been dealing with…everything else going on the past few days she sounded more stressed out than last time I talked to her.” She doesn’t mention what that everything else is, and I know she’s avoiding Robert’s name just so we don’t row again.

“Well then let’s just wait and see what happens. Sitting at the hospital, hovering over everything while they’re trying to get Andy sorted would just mean we were in the way. If we don’t hear from anyone in a few hours I’ll try Adam. Yeah?”

Mum narrows her eyes at me and I think maybe she’s gonna keep arguing, “When did you get so smart?”

“Guess I had to go to France.” I say without any anger but the look on her face falls some. I’m not angry anymore I just don’t always think before I speak. “I didn’t mean it like that. Look, I was just trying to make you smile. Just because I’m a genius now, doesn’t mean I’m not also still an idiot at times.”

She actually smiles at that and pulls me in for a hug. I allow it, even welcome it. Things had been crap when I first got here, I was angry about being lied to and they felt they had done the right thing by lying.

But after going to see Robert that all changed. He was a mess, had been a mess and me finding out about what was going on when I was so far away would have been terrible. Mum, Paddy, Vic, Adam everyone really were only trying to protect and help me like they always tried to do. This time they might have actually gotten it right.

Mum and I were in a good place, well at least a better place now and I wasn’t gonna be an idiot and resist her opening up and trying to be honest with me now. Even if we are avoiding any mention of Robert like it’s the plague.

Two hours later the phone finally rings. Mum talks with Diane. I text Adam.

_Aaron: How’d it go?_

_Adam: Honestly mate, coulda been better._

_Aaron: What happened?_

_Adam: He’s awake, but not responding. Opened his eyes a few times, but hasn’t said anything. Dr.’s say it’s normal but Diane and Vic are worried._

_…_

_Adam: So is Robert._

I want to ignore what thinking about Robert being there with his family means to me, but I’m not able to overlook anything else about him so why should I ignore this.

_Aaron: It sounds like Mum wants to come visit. Should we?_

_Adam: Might not be a bad idea. It’s just the 4 of us, things are…stressful. Not been easy mate._

_Aaron: Does anyone need anything from here?_

_Adam: Food. Food would be great._

_Aaron: Alright, we’ll see ya soon._

Mum finished her conversation with Diane and is just watching me as I type out my last message to Adam.

“Adam says we should go and see them now. I’m gonna get Marlon to make something to take with us, Adam asked for food for everyone. I’m gonna get cleaned up and changed after I do that. Do you need to do anything before we leave? I’m hoping to get out of here in less than 30 minutes, does that sound good?”

Mum stares at me a little harder and I’m distracted enough by getting these things done and out the door I don’t realize what the look on her face means until she grabs me into another hug and says, “You’re such a good mate Aaron, and a really, really good person. Don’t ever forget that…or let anyone tell you differently yeah?” I nod silently against her shoulder and then let go.

We make it to the hospital in just over an hour. Mum holds the sandwiches Marlon put together as I drive. We don’t say much and arrive outside Andy’s room before I think either of us is ready.

She gives me a smile and a nod and enters ahead of me. Andy’s room looks different than it did last time, less machines, less noise even though there’s more people, and an atmosphere of waiting that makes it feel claustrophobic.

Hellos and hugs are passed around and then it gets quiet again and uncomfortable quickly. Diane, Vic, and Adam appreciate the food and we try and talk about everyone’s Christmas and what they got and how it was but there are two elephants in the room: one is the fact that Andy’s laying in the bed and we haven’t mentioned him once. And two, that Robert hasn’t been seen since we got here. His sandwich sits and gets soggy as an hour goes by since we walked in the door.

I need a break, need to get out of this room. Take a break and a breath is what my counselor says.

“I’m gonna take a stretch and find something to drink. Anybody need anything?”

I get a chorus of no’s and then head out, down the hallway to the lifts, and eventually into the small cafeteria. I order a tea and try to decide where to head next. I’m not ready to go back into that room. It might be selfish but sitting with so many people caught up in tight anticipation is doing my head in.

Fresh air would be nice but the downpour outside says differently. I wander a few halls but feel like I’m intruding on people as I walk up and down different wards. I’ve always hated hospitals and spending as much time as I have in them it’s no wonder.

I step off the lift on Andy’s floor and stop immediately. Robert is standing outside of his brothers’ room with a man I recognize as Dr. Robinson.

From here I can tell Robert’s anxious, he’s pale and drawn. He always looked so healthy, so full of life before. He was strong and fit and never seemed small, except when he was afraid. Now he looks as if he’s scared of life.

I only recognize it because I’ve seen it in the mirror more than one time in my life.

I don’t want to be upset about that for any other reason than because he’s a mate. But it hurts to see him small and scared for more reasons than that.

Dr. Robinson sees me first as I approach them.

“Mr. Livesy, how are you?” I glance quickly at Robert as he registers that I’m here before looking at and answering the doctor. He didn’t even pick his head up when he heard my name.

“Good. And you?” Hopefully he doesn’t stand here and try and make small talk. The fact that Robert hasn’t looked at me and continues to stare at his feet is causing a knot to form in my stomach. I really don’t want to have an audience when he finally says something to me. Or I grow a pair and talk first.

“Fine, thank you. I was just leaving as I have an appointment to get to. Robert I’ll see you tomorrow. Mr. Livesy.” Dr. Robinson says with a nod of his head and then he leaves us in the most awkward quiet I’ve experienced.

I want to look at him, to ask him how he’s doing, to know that he’s getting better. Christ, four days ago I was convincing him to get help and telling him how I understood what he was going through and opening up to him more than I ever had. Now it’s so fucking silent I can’t believe that actually happened.

I chance a look at him and he is still staring at his feet. Never does he stay so still, so defeated in front of anyone and I know I have to talk to him. If only to get himself out of his own head.

“I’d ask how you were doing, but I know that’s probably the last thing you want to hear.”

I’m given a slight smile, just a turn up of a corner of his mouth, but he continues to look down and I’m hit with how out of my depth I am.

He clears his throat and finally looks up at me. “Yeah, it seems to be the only thing people know to say to me.”

I nod my head, shuffle my feet and try and find something to say. “Dr. Robinson seems alright.”

“What? Oh yeah he’s good. You know after I got over the whole him interfering in my life bit.”

“So things are…alright?” I ask for lack of a better word. I know it’s not alright, can see that in his body and face, but I don’t know what else to say.

He stares hard at me for a minute before dropping his gaze back to the floor. I’m not sure what was in his face right before he did that. Anger? Hurt? Shame? I used to be able to read him, know what he was thinking, but now I can’t figure it out and I’m upset about that just as I am that he went through this and brought other people with him.

“Aren’t you ever going to tell me off?” he asks as I’m lost in my thoughts.

It’s my turn to stare at him. He didn’t even raise his head to look at me so at least I don’t have to hide the shock of his words as they hit me.

Do I want to tell him off? Yeah, I do. But for what exactly? For hurting Andy? For putting Diane and Vic through this? For putting me through everything he did? For lying to everyone for months? For throwing his life away like this when things got hard? For hurting himself over and over again because he couldn’t be honest with himself about who he was or what he wanted? Or for throwing me away even after I told him I loved him?

Once again I feel so out of sorts I don’t know what to say or even how I would begin telling him anything. I probably need to be figure it out myself before I begin to try and explain it to him.

I do know I don’t want to have any kind of conversation meters away from where Andy and the rest of Robert’s family is, let alone my mum.

I grab his elbow and pull him further down the hall to a set of chairs outside an empty room. We don’t sit, but at least we hopefully won’t be disturbed.

“I’m guessing you took Dr. Robinson up on his offer?” It’s not what I want to say, it’s not an answer to his question, but it’s the best I can do. Like I said I’m crap at this, the fact that my visit to his room on Tuesday meted any kind of actual help had to be a complete accident.

He finally looks at me and I don’t drop my gaze. I try and read his expression again but he’s closed off. Not angry or upset I don’t think. There’s something like shame though. And really I guess that makes sense, but it’s not the total picture of what he’s feeling.

“Yeah.” His gaze flickers over my shoulder and stays there. To his credit he doesn’t drop his head again.

“It’s going alright?” I try again, “He’s been helping you out?”

“Yeah.” His gaze stays staring over my shoulder and I want to wave my hand in front of his face just to get some kind of reaction out of him. One word answers aren’t giving me a whole lot of confidence that this conversation is going to go anywhere important.

“Do you not want to talk to me? See me? If you want me to leave I can Robert. I just was here visiting Andy with my mum. I thought after last week we could at least be civil but if that hard for you I can go. I’m not upset I just know what stress can do when you’re…healing.”

And I mean it. After everything I don’t want to make this harder on him than it has to be. I know, even if he doesn’t or won’t admit it, that I’m part of what made him do this. Either my leaving or just in general how unhealthy we were together had something to do with the drinking and the destruction he has created.

There’s guilt associated with this thought and it’s something I’ll deal with as it comes. But this is not my fault, it’s Robert’s, and my counselor repeated that to me many times when I phoned him the day after I met with Robert in his hospital room. What a pair Robert and I make.

He finally looks at me with shock and confusion mixed together, I can read that plainly at least. He opens his mouth at least three times before speaking.

“I don’t understand…I don’t understand why you’re…doing this. God, Aaron after everything why do you give a shit about what’s best for me?”

I have to answer him, truthfully. I have to tell him why and I don’t even know if I totally understand why I feel like I have to help him. But I have and I do, so he deserves the truth from me. Get it out, get it over with and hope for the best…for both of us.

“Vic asked the other day. She asked why I was the one you phoned. Why out of everyone you phoned me, how you even knew I was back in town, and I had to lie again. I had to lie to her and tell her we were just mates, that we had gotten to become friends while working at the scrapyard and because you’re her brother.

“I told her that you called me because I contacted you when I got back after I found out everything. I lied to her and I don’t want to lie any more. So much of what I did before was because I was lying to someone, my mum, Paddy, Adam, Cain, Vic, myself. I hate that so much of me was a lie, I don’t want that for myself anymore. And I don’t want that for you either. I don’t know who you’re going to be after all of this, what is going to be important to you, or who is going to be important to you. But I know those people sitting in that room, minus my mum, love you and will always be there for you no matter how hard you push them away. There are people who will always want to pick you up if you need it. I’ve been to the bottom and people didn’t give up on me, I want you to know that you have those people too, if you’ll just let them help you get better.”

I’m almost panting from speaking so much, that’s probably more words than Robert’s ever heard me string together and he looks stunned. Like, a lite gust of wind could blow him over, stunned. I quickly think over what I’ve said, and whether I should be worried or embarrassed by any of it, and realize I’m not. It’s true, it’s all true and I needed him to hear it because I realize now that there’s still a part of me in love with him.

For everything we’ve been through, everything we’ve done, the hurt, the lies, the anger, and the fights, there was good too. There were times I knew I was in love with him more than I had ever planned on or thought possible. He could surprise me in the best ways, be thoughtful when no one else was looking, take care of me when no one else saw there was a problem, and force me to be honest with myself, even if he couldn’t do the same for himself.

He was scared and a tosser and an absolute shithead, and I was an idiot and a tosser, but it worked for some of the time and I know he loved me.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts by the sound of him clearing his throat.

“Are you one of those people Aaron?” He says so quietly I’m hoping I heard him right. The look on his face tells me I did. He looks open, vulnerable like he never had before and I don’t know what to say. Yes, I love him, but I can’t be in love with him. And fuck if he hasn’t backed me into a corner that I built. I need to tell him something that’s true but won’t hurt him, this should be fucking brilliant.

“Robert, I…” I what? What the hell do I say?

“Never mind, it’s fine. I shouldn’t have asked you that. I don’t have…I don’t deserve…never mind.” He says it with the same look on his face and then drops his eyes to the floor again.

It’s silent and I’m out of words. The quiet continues until it’s unbearable. I should just walk away but I feel stuck to the floor, I don’t want to leave him on those words.

“Robert, I really hope that things are better from here, I want that for you. If you can’t believe anything else, at least believe that.”

I think I can walk away now, but Robert lifts his head and looks as if he wants to say something. We’ve been here this long, I’ve spilled my guts out, I can at least let him say goodbye as well.

“Are you staying in Emmerdale?” He asks with the same quiet tone of voice and I’m surprised again that it comes out of him.

“For another week, I head back to France just after the New Year.”

“France?” It’s one word and loaded with questions.

I nod my head yes, trying to think of how to answer even one of them.

“Yeah, I promised mum I come home for as long as possible at Christmas but Tommy can only go so long without me.” I try a small smile but it doesn’t feel right in the face of Robert’s surprised look.

“Who’s Tommy?” Robert asks with a confused look that quickly changes into something closer to hurt.

Oh shite.

“Tommy’s my boss. At the garage. That’s what I do in France. I work at a garage.” I ramble for a moment.

“You like it there?”

“Yeah, Brest is great. I have friends, and my work. I’m actually thinking about getting a dog when I get back.” I continue to ramble. It’s at least filling the quiet and it’s much easier to talk about these nothings than anything we were trying to cover in the last 10 minutes.

“So you’re all settled down there then? All good?” And again I’m upset because I can’t exactly read his face or the meaning behind his words. A year ago it could have been disbelief or jealousy. Now he just looks accepting.

“Yeah, all good.” It’s again true, but not what I want to say exactly.

“Good.” He replies and then turns his head to look down the hallway like something caught his attention. I follow his gaze and find my mum staring hard at us. We’re far enough away she can’t hear us but I’m sure she’s making up all kinds of things in her head about why Robert and I are tucked away at the end of an almost deserted hallway and what we are talking about.

“Looks like my mum is ready to go, so I’ll see ya around.” I say without really looking back at him, “Take care of yourself.” I add at the last moment before completely turning away from him.

“Aaron?” he says as I start to focus on walking down the hallway.

I stop walking and turn back to him to see he’s looking at me with something like determination on his face. I wait as he struggles to say whatever he thought should be our last words to each other.

“Could I…would it be alright. I mean…fuck…” he drops his gaze for a minute to the floor takes a deep breath and then finds my eyes again, “Could I text you sometime? You know, if I need to talk. I mean would that be alright?” I see the struggle those words have put on him to get out. For one minute I can read his face like I used to be able to.

Would it be alright? What would it be like to get a message from Robert as I sat in my flat in France? Or when I was at the garage, or at the pub? He was a large reason, I used to think the only reason, I was in France and now if I let him contact me there my two worlds crashing into each other like a major car accident that you couldn’t look away from.

The thought of a car accident stops me short but also quickly makes up my mind for me.

“Yeah Robert, that would be alright.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I love your comments and thoughts as we keep moving forward!  
> With everything going on with our boys in the next week or so I will probably not be posting the next chapter for a few weeks. I think we're going to be busy enough with them on our TV screens as it is.  
> As always you can find me on tumblr: myfavorite26.tumblr.com


	14. Recovery

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Christ, you’re so happy aren’t you?” it drops out of my mouth before I can even think about it. “Fuck, I mean, not that you weren’t before, but now you’re just…” I stammer because I don’t know what he is, beyond happier than I’ve ever seen him. I drop my head into my hands and balance my elbows on my knees as I try to hide my embarrassment at stepping over the line we’ve been so carefully avoiding all day, “I think I should probably go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't want to give away to many spoilers about this chapter, the end notes have more info...  
> Enjoy!

** Recovery **

****

Robert

“Aaron?” Fuck, what am I going to say? I should have just let him walk away, he was heading down the hallway and we had left it on all right terms. I should just keep my mouth shut.

But I’m so selfish I can’t just let him walk away. I know that now…it only took me 7 months, a forgotten weekend, a stay in the hospital, and looking forward to months of outpatient care and counselling for me to realize that. Now that I have though, I need him more than ever. And that seems really fucking unfair to him.

He stops walking and turns back, looking surprised at first and then, maybe patient, as I struggle to get out whatever I’m going to say to him. The phone he’s holding in his hand gives me an idea, but can I even ask it of him?

“Could I…would it be alright. I mean…fuck…” I drop my eyes to the floor and take a deep breath. I’m so sure he’s going to say no that I’m not sure why I’m even asking. But I’ve started this and I need to finish it so I find his gaze again, “Could I text you sometime? You know, if I need to talk. I mean would that be alright?”

I said it, and now he can say no if he wants to. We wait in silence as I’m sure he’s thinking about how to turn me down without me going to the bar next door, or the one around the corner. He doesn’t have any reason to say yes and as the silence stretches I’m thinking of any way I can take it back.

 “Yeah Robert, that would be alright.”

“Right, never mind, it was…what? Wait…are…are you serious?” I can’t have heard that right. No way does Aaron want to have anything to do with me.

“Yeah, it fine. Just text me if ya need something. I gotta go.” He turns and walks away and I don’t stop him this time. Mainly because I’m lost as to what just happened. I think for a moment maybe this is one of those weird hallucinations I had the day or two after stopping drinking but it feels real enough.

I watch as he talks with Chas for a moment and then as they both head for the lift. I’m not ashamed to say I watch them all the way there and even move so I can see when the door closes. Who knows when I’m actually going to see Aaron again?

I try not to be sad about that, especially with everything else going on. Aaron is happy and healthy, and at least one of us should be. I’m just not sure I can face everything that’s going to come in the next weeks and months without knowing he’s close by.

I’m probably going to have to admit to myself that I still love him before anything gets better.

~*-*~

Aaron had been back in France for over a month when Dr. Robinson finally got most of the story about Aaron from me.

I started outpatient treatment as soon as I was released from the hospital. It made it easy in the beginning because I was there anyways with Andy, Diane and Vic. I was seeing Dr. Robinson every day and going to these meetings where I was supposed to talk about all sorts, but it seemed like complete bullshit. The guilt stayed, it wasn’t going away and the day Andy was woken up was terrible. Seeing Aaron and saying goodbye on the same day set off such conflicting thoughts in my head I was worried it might make my head explode.

But Andy steadily got better, much to the amazement of his doctors and us. The worry and concern over the day he was taken out of the coma disappeared as he got stronger and more like himself. He remembered almost everything except the day of the accident, which was a blessing. He was going to have to go through occupational and physical therapy but not as much as they initially thought. And his brain function seemed to be almost normal with only the occasional missing word, or memory.

In all it was better than we ever could have hoped for but it did nothing to ease my guilt. 

I tried talking with Andy about the accident in the few minutes of alone time we had but he didn’t want to. He said it didn’t matter now and that we just needed to move forward. Of course I didn’t want to talk about it either so I never pushed. And when Dr. Robinson asked I was honestly able to tell him that I had approached the subject with Andy like he had wanted me to.

Three weeks after Andy woke up, and two weeks into the New Year, we finally all went home to the village. There was no way everyone was going to fit in the pub or Vic’s so we split up. Andy stayed with Diane at the pub and I moved back in with Vic and Adam. We were ready to get out of the hotel in Hotten, even if all of us weren’t ready to go back to Emmerdale.

Alright, it was just me, I really fucking didn’t want to be back in the village but Dr. Robinson said I couldn’t stay by myself in Hotten.

“Unless you want to go to an inpatient rehab facility and stay there, you need to be with your family Robert. You can’t be alone and your family is the best support for you.” He had repeated more than once.

Vic put her foot down to and told me I was coming home with her. After everything I put her through I wasn’t able to say no. So three months after leaving I found myself back in the same house and same room I was in when my life went to hell.

I asked Vic, with nothing but shame on my face, if she could clean out the two bottles of bourbon and the one bottle of vodka I hid in there from before. I couldn’t read the look in her eyes, but it definitely had a large bit of pity in it. That began the rounds of me feeling like a complete burden to her and Adam.

I had no job, no way to pay them for rent or food. I had blown through almost everything I saved while drinking myself into oblivion. Plus, I now had to either ask them for a ride into Hotten every day or pay for the bus. It was expensive being a complete waste of life.

Money used to be a lot easier to come by, when I was married and had a full time job. Although the cost of trying to hang on to both was almost too much.

I actually hadn’t thought about Chrissie or my former job and family for a long time. They were one of the easiest things to forget while I was drunk and that turned into being able to forget them even in the moments of near sobriety. But now that I was back and sober and broke it made me long, for just a moment, to have the comfort of knowing where my next paycheck was coming from and that I didn’t have to worry about getting the money for bills, or food, or even transportation.

I was a burden to my family, had no friends, no prospects for a job, no way to support myself or pay back those who had helped me.

So when Dr. Robinson asked me why Aaron was the one I called when I needed help that day I might have thrown my (mostly empty) coffee cup across the room. It had felt like the hundredth time he asked and I was angry and frustrated about everything but he didn’t back down. So with coffee dripping down the wall beside us I finally told him about Aaron and me.

I wasn’t sure if I felt better or worse that it was out. Dr. Robinson continued to ask me about Aaron and that made it even harder to forget the absolute bastard I had been to him and the way I hurt him for so long.

Dr. Robinson then thought it’d be a good idea for me to at least tell Vic about my relationship with Aaron. I kept arguing that it didn’t make any difference now. I knew in the end he’d win, but I ended up walking out of his office without another word.

~*-*~

At the end of February and two months after Aaron left I finally found a job. Debbie needed someone at the garage and I needed to keep my hands and my mind busy. It was good to be working again. I was sore every night and developed blisters that turned to callouses over time but the exhaustion was a welcomed one. It felt better to fall asleep after a hard day’s work than it did from being absolutely pissed.

I tried not to think about Aaron and what the garage had meant to us, well at least me. I’m sure for Aaron it was just a place he worked.

Dr. Robinson said the depression I was now experiencing was not unexpected, I told him he could go to hell with that kind of advice. I walked out of his office again before the hour was up.

~*-*~

Three months after Aaron had gone back to France I finally told Vic why Aaron was the one I called that morning.

It wasn’t great and I had been too much of a coward to do it without Dr. Robinson there, so he was witness to my humiliation as well.

While I explained to Vic what had happened between Aaron and I in the doctor’s office she had gone from confusion, to anger, and back to confusion.

“So are you gay or bisexual? Or was it just Aaron?” she had asked.

I looked over at Dr. Robinson in hopes that he would somehow get me out of this but the passive look on his face left me no choice but to face my sister.

“There have been other guys, a few actually, but I wasn’t with them more than once.”

“How long were you with Aaron?”

“It wasn’t like that…we were never really together. We couldn’t be, I was engaged and then married to Chrissie.” Saying her name wasn’t as painful as it could have been.

“But you carried on with him for how long?”

“On and off for about six months.” I hadn’t thought about it like that before really. It had seemed like so long and then so short in the next breath. Six months was all we had, and here I was almost a year after he had left still trying to deal with what had happened in that time. I felt weak again but the shame that had followed before wasn’t there. At least I had started to get one thing right.

“Did you love him?”

 _No_ was on the tip of my tongue. It was still easier to lie at times than ‘let myself feel’ as Dr. Robinson had told me over and over again. I wanted to tell Vic no to save myself, and maybe her just a little bit, but mostly myself the pain of acknowledging what he meant to me and how hiding such a huge part of my life hurt those around me. But that wasn’t who I was anymore.

“Yes.” Had come out after dropping my eyes to my hands and folding them between my knees. Seeing Vic’s reaction was something I didn’t want to deal with, I was too strung out from this conversation anyways, seeing her look of reproach or disappointment, or whatever I thought I’d see there was going to be too hard.

When her hand had gripped my folded ones and squeezed hard I still couldn’t look at her. It took her saying my name with nothing but compassion in it that brought my head up and my eyes to find hers.

“Did you think I wouldn’t be alright with this?”

No, I knew Vic would be alright with me loving whoever made me happy. I was the one that wasn’t alright with it.

“Because Robert I would’ve been fine with it. It wouldn’t have made a difference who you loved, you could have told me, I would’ve have helped ya.”

Flashes of the accident and Andy floated through my head at that, I was working on stopping them, but they resurfaced at the most annoying times.

“I know Vic, but I wasn’t ready to admit it to anyone.”

“Did anyone else know?”

“Just Paddy and Chas, Aaron had to tell them because…well it doesn’t matter why he had to tell them, he just did.” Vic couldn’t hide the surprise on her face when she found out that piece of news.

The room fell silent and I’d thought maybe we were done, but Dr. Robinson just sat there and waited as if he knew it wasn’t over, of course he had been right.

“Did Aaron leaving have anything to do with you?”

God damn it, I always knew my sister was too smart for her own good, or more importantly mine.

I wanted to say no again, but Aaron wasn’t the only one constantly working on being honest with themselves or those around them.

“Yes. I pushed him away…and he left.” I also made him lie for me, destroyed his relationship with his mum, caused him hurt himself, lied to him repeatedly, and generally just treated him like complete shite, but none of that made it into my confession. I’d never be able to tell Vic all of that, the shame was too big.

“Robert.” Dr. Robinson’s voice came from beside me with a note of warning. Not about the fact that I hadn’t elaborated to Vic, no it was about the thoughts running through my head. I had voiced them enough times out loud that the good doctor knew what the look on my face meant.

It’d be nice at some point to not have to rely on someone else to pull me out of those thoughts, but at least I hadn’t heard my father’s voice in almost three months.

That was a whole other pile of trash I’d been working on dealing with.

It was all connected Dr. Robinson kept reminding me and the more we talked about it the more I understood. I just didn’t want to have the way I treated Aaron, and almost everyone else I had in my life, to be because of my dad or how fucked up things had been when I was a kid. It was such a cliché.

Turns out I’m a fucking cliché.

I texted Aaron for the first time the next day. I told myself it was because he deserved to know that Vic now knew about us. I really just needed to hear from him.

~*-*~

Four months after Aaron left for France the second time and 11 months after he left for the first time I rung him. We’d been texting for a while and I needed someone to talk to. My group meeting hadn’t been helpful and I wasn’t going to see Dr. Robinson until tomorrow. I didn’t want a drink, I wanted someone to tell me I didn’t need to drink.

“Robert?” I heard the question in his voice, and I thought maybe concern as well.

“Yeah. Is this a bad time? Are you at work?”

“It’s alright. I’m actually on my lunch break right now.”

“At 10:45 in the morning?”

“No, it’s 11:45 here, we’re an hour ahead of you up there.”

“Right.”

It felt like a bad first date, small talk followed by awkward silence, although Aaron and I never had a first date. We never had any date.

Fortunately I didn’t have to wait too long, Aaron spoke up after a few moments.

“Everything going alright?”

I didn’t want to admit that it wasn’t, even after all this time, but I didn’t want to lie to him either. So I told half a truth.

“Just a bad day.”

“How bad?” he asked.

Of course he’d want to know how bad it was, because he cared about how I was doing. I wish I had been able to care more for him when he was standing in front of me and asking me to love him.

“I didn’t have a drink. But I almost wanted one.”

Another pause and I could almost hear Aaron thinking.

“How’s work going?” he asked after a minute.

“Good.” It came out immediately because I was too surprised by his question to answer any other way. Wasn’t he going to ask me why I wanted to drink, or yell at me for even thinking about it?

“Debbie’s not working ya into the ground is she?” there was a smile behind the question and I released a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“No, we’re busy, but not too bad. The kids have been sick lately so I’ve been working alone some but it’s good. I’m happy to be working again, it’s good to keep busy.” I rambled on.

After that we fell into easy but shallow conversation about our jobs. They were the same now so it made it easier to find common ground and talk about how crazy some owners got about their car, or the clueless teenager that brought their dads car in and wanted to hide the evidence of some minor accident. It was simple and comforting, and nothing like I thought it would be.

It was only after we hung up and I went back to work that I realized he had done exactly what I needed him to. I didn’t think about my shitty morning, or the fact that for a second I might have wanted something to drink.

The phone calls continued after that. Not every day but they weren’t all from me either. The first time Aaron called I was sure it was a mistake, he dialed the wrong number or was going to ask me to not call him anymore, something that was sure to hurt.

But he asked how my day was, how Andy was doing, what Adam and Vic were up to, normal everyday events like a mate would do. I tried to make it feel difficult, but it didn’t.

Somewhere along the way in my recovery I had gained Aaron as a friend.

~*-*~

It’s Saturday, May 14th and I’ve somehow convinced myself, and Dr. Robinson, it’s a good idea to be in France in front of the garage Aaron works at one year after he left.

I’m such a fucking idiot.

 I was standing in this same spot yesterday but left before I could do anything. I hadn’t even seen Aaron. And now I’m really hoping that the garage is be closed so I can catch my flight tomorrow afternoon having tried to see him, but it not being my fault that he wasn’t available to talk.

There are things I need to say, things I need to tell him in person, and I know if I take the cowards’ way out I will only be back in a month or two’s time trying again. I’m not a coward anymore and Aaron deserves to hear me apologize.

Standing on the pavement though, with an open garage door and voices coming from the area inside it have me contemplating turning tail and running.

But Dr. Robinson’s voice is in my head, and the voices of those at my meetings, and Vic’s, and Andy’s, and Diane’s, even Chas’ voice is there. As I apologized one by one for the things I had done, for the words I had spoken, and the way I had treated them.

Andy’s had been the most horrific. To admit that I was there when Katie died, to say my part in it, but I made sure to keep Aaron’s out. To apologize over and over again for what I said and did was terrible. But for Andy not to even acknowledge me or my words was worse. Only a week later had he found me at Vic’s, punched me once and then walked out. He called me the next day and we talked but I still had yet to see my brother face to face.

Aaron is the last on my list. I told Dr. Robinson it was because he was the farthest away, we both know it’s because I’m afraid of what will happen.

“Can I help you?” Thankfully it isn’t Aaron who has come out and spoken. More like caught me lurking around like a criminal.

Time to jump, “Is Aaron here?”

Appraising eyes look me over, twice, and then, “Yeah, follow me.” I really don’t want to do this with an audience.

“No, that’s alright, I’ll wait here.”

The man looks me over again before nodding and turning back the way he came.

I try to calm my breathing, I try to keep my hands still, I try to look comfortable and confident, none of it is working. I am a complete and total mess.

It’s nothing like I thought it’d be, seeing him for the first time without the haze of alcohol, or deep denial. I thought that it would be bigger somehow but Aaron’s relaxed and familiar gait feels completely normal and comfortable. He saw me from the moment he walked out into the light, he’s confused but not angry, that’s a good sign.

“Robert? What are ya doing here?”

Deep breath in, “I’m sorry.”

“What?” his expression tightens.

Swallowing over the dryness in my throat I try to expand on what I’m supposed to say, but all that comes out is, “I’m sorry, for everything I’ve done.”

“What’s going on? Is everything alright?” Aaron asks confused.

“I need to apologize for what I’ve done and how I’ve treated you, and I hope you can accept it. If you can’t I’ll understand. There’s a lot that I need to make up for and if it’s too much, that’s alright.” I repeat the same words to him that I have to everyone else.

And now I wait, like I have with everyone else, to be sent away with either acceptance or disdain.

I thought, hoped is more like it, that Aaron and I had come to a good place. I thought we were becoming at least mates but maybe the distance makes it easier and Aaron has only been able to talk to me because we are so far apart. I’m healthier, stronger, and more honest with myself. Since Aaron had moved to France he is the strongest and happiest I have ever seen him. The lines of worry he wore and the weight on his shoulders have disappeared. The man standing in front of me is light, and fucking beautiful.

“Thank you.”

“What?” I’m too stunned to say anything else.

“Thank you, for apologizing. It’s probably something I should have done a long time ago as well. But I’m sorry for pushing you, at the end there, I should have known better than to do that.”

“You never have to apologize to me. Those are my mistakes, I wasn’t strong enough. I wasn’t able to be honest with who I am, how my past affected me and how it almost ruined everyone I love.” It’s hard to admit but it’s the truth and that’s what I have to do. It’s what he deserves.

“I’m off in fifteen, can you wait?” Aaron asks, as if I haven’t just bared everything to him.

“Um…yeah, I can wait.” I want to ask what for but can’t.

“Come on, you can meet everyone. I told them about the bloke that brought the Audi in a few weeks ago, I’m sure they’ll want to know what happened next.”

~*-*~

We spent the afternoon together. Walked to the docks, saw a truly horrible action movie, and ate our way through the downtown market.

Aaron and I spent the entire afternoon together, as if we are just mates hanging out.

It’s all I can think as we wait for our food from this takeaway he swears by. Curry in the middle of France, should be interesting.

“Since when you do eat curry?” I can’t help but ask.

“We can all try new things, can’t we?” is all he says.

I smirk at the reminder of that Christmas day a year and a half ago, it feels like it was just last week. Sometimes it feels like the last year never really happened, I usually wish it didn’t. There haven’t been many bright spots in the past twelve months.

“Robert?”

“Yeah, sorry.” I wasn’t paying attention and I realize by the expression on his face he’s asked me a question.

“Food’s ready. Where do you want to eat?”

In all our walking today we haven’t talked about my leaving tomorrow or what this day really means, if anything. If I suggest we go to his place and have dinner is that going to be too much for him? What if I say we can go back to my hotel, would he take that the wrong way? Insecurity floods my mind for a moment and I’m caught in a moment of anxiety. How do we move forward? I hadn’t even thought of that. I came here because I needed to, but I don’t know what happens next, and it scares the shite out of me. It’s almost like now that I’m healthier and able to be in his presence without the overwhelming shame and guilt clouding everything I don’t know what we will have to keep our fledgling connection together.

“Oi” Aaron cuts across again, “Where’d ya go in there?”

“Sorry,” jeez Sugden get it together, “wherever’s fine with me.”

“My place is close. We can go there, if that’s alright.” He says without any hesitation.

I have to swallow and then answer, “Yeah, that’s fine. With me, that’s fine with me.” Holy shite I’m a complete nutcase.

“Robert,” he looks at me with a smirk and knowing in his eyes, “take a damn breath, it’s just dinner.”

I let out a breath and try and cover it with a laugh, I’m sure it doesn’t fool him.

As we walk back to his flat I try and stay in the moment, as Dr. Robinson always says, but it doesn’t work until Aaron starts up the easy conversation we had earlier. Aaron leads and I follow.

It’s only a few minutes later that he stops and I realize we must be outside his door because he turns to look at me.

“Before we go up I wanted to let you know there’s a few beers and some other stuff in my place. Is that gonna be a problem?”

My face heats up and the shame comes back as I realize he’s worried about me being able to handle myself even now. He’s never going to look at me the same way. I have to look away because now it’s all too real.

“Wait,” he starts and I look back at his face because of the tone of his voice, it’s not condescending, it’s concerned, “that’s not what I meant. I see what you’re thinking and stop it. I just wanted to make sure I was doing the right thing, I don’t know how much of a temptation it is for ya. I know I couldn’t be around some things for even a year or so after finally getting help. I just wanted to make sure you were alright.”

It takes a moment for his words to sink in, and I can’t say anything back. The emotions that I’m ‘not supposed to hide’ coming running through me and I can’t decide if it’s better or worse that we’re talking about this, we’ve avoided it all day. But I blink a few times and swallow the lump in my throat before answering.

“I’m starving.” I finally say as he waits patiently for me to calm down.

“Let’s eat then. You’re gonna love the curry, just trust me.” He says with a smile as he turns around to unlock his door.

“I do.”

Dinner is a lot like the day itself, easy, comfortable, and so familiar it makes me ache for what might have been.

We had glimpses of this before. The first night I got us a hotel room, the week at Home Farm, but it’s never been so easy to be around each other for so long and not think about the result of what our time together means.

But the part of me that hurts for the missed opportunities and the fact that I’m still in love with him, and have no right to do anything about it, has been assaulting my thoughts the more we laugh and enjoy being around each other.

I just need to get through dinner and then I can escape. We haven’t even spoken about anything close to why I’m here and I still can’t face him with honesty about what I’m feeling right now.

I love him and probably always will but the sooner I come around to the idea that he will only ever want to be something like mates will make it easier on me.

“I’m losing ya.” Aaron’s voice draws me out of my head and I see him cleaning up our takeaway boxes.

“Yeah, sorry. Just thinking.”

“That can be a dangerous prospect. Anything you want to share?” Aaron asks as he hands me a refilled glass of water and settles back on the couch next to me, although with enough room between us for at least two more people to sit.

Yes, and no, and hell no all come to mind. I don’t know how to answer him and with the mess going on in my head right now I can’t think clearly enough to even say anything even close to being honest but still protecting myself. I didn’t come here to tell him I still love him, I’m here to try and earn his forgiveness and form some kind of permanent, healthy friendship with him.

I’m ready to say no, but then I look at him and the word disappears before it even can form on my tongue. Sitting on his couch, relaxed and healthy, he looks so open and honest and I think back to the day we’ve had. Not once has he pushed or asked for more than he knew I could share. Not once did he make me feel like I had something to be ashamed about, or make me feel guilty about why I was here. He had pulled me out of my own head more than once and brought me back to the present, where I needed to be. And he hadn’t once made me feel like I was the awful human being I felt like previously in his presence.

And the fact that he’s now sitting there patiently waiting for me to answer him make me truthfully reply with a quiet, “yes.”

“I thought as much. I didn’t think you were impressed enough with the sights of Brest or tonight’s curry to be this quiet. But you have to admit I was right about the takeaway.” He replies with a slightly arrogant laugh and smile.

“Christ, you’re so happy aren’t you?” it drops out of my mouth before I can even think about it. “Fuck, I mean, not that you weren’t before, but now you’re just…” I stammer because I don’t know what he is, beyond happier than I’ve ever seen him. I drop my head into my hands and balance my elbows on my knees as I try to hide my embarrassment at stepping over the line we’ve been so carefully avoiding all day, “I think I should probably go.”

“I am, I’m really happy. But don’t think just because I’m in France and not in the village with everyone is my reason for being like this.”

That thought slams in to me and I look up at him. I can’t help but ask, “It’s not?”

He levels a steady gaze at me and relaxes back into the corner of the couch before answering.

“Course it’s not. Yeah it has something to do with it, and the reason I left in the first place was not great, but I finally realized I needed to get help, put myself first. To face what I had done and move forward.”

A few months ago, I’d have thought that was a dig aimed at me. I know it’s not; it’s just him being honest. Even so, I need to ask him.

“Have you really forgiven me for that? For all of it?”

“I was so angry when I got here. You pushed me away. Not only from you, but my friends and family also. It took me realizing that what happened between us wasn’t just on you. I knew going in that you were engaged, and I still got involved. I knew that it could only end badly and yet I still wanted to be with you. I realized I needed to take ownership for what I had done, and continuing our relationship even when I knew not to was my problem. Not yours.”

My mouth drops open somewhere in the middle of his admission and silence fills the flat as he finishes. I’m stunned, I think…yeah definitely stunned. Where they hell did that come from? I snap my mouth close when I realize I probably look like an idiot. However, I can’t form any words; nothing comes to mind as his words roll through my head repeatedly.

I’m not sure how long I sit here before Aaron shifts, looking decidedly uncomfortable at my silence.

Think. Think of something to say before he takes back everything he just said.

“How…after everything…I don’t understand how you can forgive me after that.” I finally stammer out. It’s really too unbelievable that he can even say that.

He lets out a breath and a small smile forms, lighting up his face, “Christ, I thought I’d broken you there for a minute. I know we’d been avoiding talking about everything but I’d been wanting to say something all day, just didn’t know how to approach it. And yes, I’ve forgiven you, just like I’ve forgiven myself.”

I lean back against the cushion, dropping my hands into my lap, and stare straight ahead at Aaron’s blank TV screen.

And for a moment, it’s too much. It’s too much to have hoped for, it’s too much to deal with, it’s too much to wrap my head around.

“Robert.” Comes Aaron’s voice and I hold up a finger. Hopefully he understands that I just need a minute, and isn’t offended, by me telling him to be quiet. The tears now burning behind my eyes would definitely fall if he says anything else right now.

He _forgives_ me.

He forgives _me_.

 _He_ forgives _me_.

Nope, no matter which way I say it, it stills seems too big.

“You mean that?” I say in no more than a whisper. I can’t help but ask, hopefully if I say it enough, or hear him say it, it’ll have a chance to sink in.

“Yeah, I do,” comes from him strong and clear, “but have you forgiven yourself?”

I swallow and close my eyes, fighting back the tears there. The sudden truth is I don’t know. Dr. Robinson had said I was ready for all of this, but have I lied to myself in thinking Aaron was the last person I needed to apologize to?

“I thought so.” I finally choke out.

“How many times has Dr. Robinson said ‘you need to leave the past in the past’ or some other version of that?” Aaron asks.

“You hear that a lot as well?”

“More than enough,” he says with a smile again in his voice, “it took me awhile to realize forgiving myself was the last step to really letting everything go. I thought maybe it might be the same for you.”

I wipe a hand down my face hoping to erase the bit of wetness in my eyes and help myself refocus. A shit ton has happened in the last five minutes.

“Dr. Robinson is great. But there’s times I feel like…” what? What do I feel like?

Aaron jumps in, “You feel like he doesn’t really know what it’s like? He says these great words and helps but there’s always something that’s missing. There’s some things you need to figure out for yourself no matter how much he tries.”

“You too?” I ask, because it sounds like he’s speaking from experience.

“Yeah, but the best thing my counselor did was give me the tools I needed to help myself. Just like I’m sure Dr. Robinson has done for you.”

I reply by nodding my head and working my mind around the change that’s taking place.

“Thanks.” I finally say after drawing a complete blank on how else to respond.

There’s a long pause before he speaks again.

“What time’s your plane tomorrow?” he asks, and just like that the monumental shift that’s taken place is over, complete, and we move on.

I pause, wanting to say something else, feeling like more needs to be said, but it really doesn’t. So I answer him and try and stay in the present.

“I need to be at the airport by 2:00, my flight takes off at 3:45.”

“It’s still early; you wanna put in a movie? Hopefully something better than that crap we saw this afternoon?” he asks.

“Sure, sounds good.”

We argue for a few minutes over his crap movie collection until he finally gives in and lets me pick something.

Five minutes later I think we’re in for a nice, easy two hours of some comedy I picked just to lighten my mood.

Five minutes after that Aaron’s voice comes across the couch, “Did you mean it when you said you missed me?”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone hope you liked the update! I know there's not a ton of Aaron with Robert but I felt it was important to get a view on how Robert was doing after everything that had happened. Once again I'm not trying to make any comments on how a person should deal with this situation, I just wanted to take some time for Robert to truly take care of himself.   
> And just so you know...there's only two chapter left (ok that might be a lie, I might have to stretch it to three just because I'm not ready to say goodbye to this story yet!)  
> As always thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: myfavorite26.tumblr.com


	15. When ‘I Miss You’ Becomes ‘I Still Love You’

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Robert closes his eyes and leans his forehead against mine. I watch the contentment on his face before closing my eyes as well. Standing here sharing the same space, the same air as him sends comfort down my spine, throughout my body. He smells the same, feels the same, but everything is so much better without all the shite that came with a moment like this before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all thank you to everyone who's been reading and sending me such nice comments!! I love that you all are enjoying this story so much!  
> I can't lie this is one of my favorite chapters I've written, and it's not just because there's a lot of smut in it!  
> If you can believe it there is only one more chapter. I don't think I'm ready to say goodbye but this chapter in their story is coming to a close and I already have things sketched out for a sequel!  
> P.S. The edit on this chapter was very rushed so if there are any blaring inconsistencies or grammatical errors I apologize!

When ‘I Miss You’ Becomes ‘I Still Love You’

 

Aaron

“It’s still early; you wanna put in a movie? Hopefully something better than that crap we saw this afternoon?” I ask. I’m not ready for him to leave, if that makes me an idiot so what. It’s been the day I always wanted with Robert and I don’t want him to leave.

“Sure, sounds good.”

We argue for a few minutes over my movie collection. He thinks its all crap. I think it’s completely normal for a guy in his 20’s to have every single Fast and Furious movie ever made.

Finally he picks something; a comedy that should be easy to watch.

Things have shifted though and it looks like Robert doesn’t want to analyze it. I sure as hell don’t want to talk about anything we just discussed. Especially about why I’m so twisted up over the thought of him sitting feet from me; close enough that if I want to I can reach out and pull him to me.

I try and pay attention to what’s happening on the screen in front of me but I can’t help but think about everything that’s happened, not just today, but in the last month as well, even all the way back to when I was home for Christmas.

It feels like…fuck, I don’t even know what it feels like. We had fun today. But we also went through a lot of shite in the past hour to get where we were now. It felt good to be able to get some of it out. I didn’t lie to Robert before when I had said I was working on being as honest as possible. And covering some of the things we needed to make it easier to enjoy hanging out with him.

Throughout the day there were times it was so easy to look at him, especially after making him laugh or keeping him from the thoughts that I knew were running through his head, that I could forget the things that were between us and needed to be figured out.

It’s a lot of fun making him smile, he is really fucking beautiful when he does that. How many times had he been this free or open or content when I knew him before? Had he ever looked this bright before?

When we were together he was always tense, always closed off, hiding behind a wall secured with a chain and lock no one seemed to have the key to.

Though that might be a lie, he had been happy at times, _with me._ We had laughed and been relaxed enough to lay at Home Farm wrapped up in each other and not worry about what was coming next…until it came and we imploded.

But now he’s here, and somehow even with all of the crap between us we’ve become mates, or at least as close as we can when living hours apart. Somehow we’ve forgiven each other, and if our last conversation is anything to go by we’ve moved beyond the shite that happened in the past.

I’d love to say it was because we were just that forgiving, but I can’t lie. I know we are sitting in my crappy little flat right now, well at least I’m here, because I want Robert in my life. A piece of me has always wanted him to be here. There were times that need was smaller than others, but it never went away.

While I was gone I’d come to terms with him not being with me, but then Christmas had happened, and he had been more broken than I ever thought possible. How could I have turned him down when he asked if he could text? He needed someone to talk to, and I might have not been the best person for that, but I wanted to know how he was doing and be the person he came to if he needed something.

So we had texted.

And then he phoned me and it became even easier to let that part of me grow, easier to try and be someone he needed. Our conversations had been relaxed, we worked the same job now so even if we had nothing else to talk about I could tell him about the unbelievable car owners that came to the garage. We could talk and not really say much at all. Maybe it made me a coward but I never pushed it either; I was too afraid I would scare him off and he wouldn’t want to talk anymore.

But then after all of that he showed up on my stoop and we spent the day saying nothing, again. Finally though it had become too much and when we finally broke the stalemate things got heavy, quickly.

Though somehow now everything is alright. We’ve gotten through some of the crap we needed to and while it might be tough, it’s still good. Almost better than good, because he’s still sitting next to me.

And he chose to stay, he’s the one who came here in the first place, he wants to be the one to try and make things better. He wants to be here, and I want him here.

Because even after everything I still love him.

Could it be possible that he still loves me?

“Did you mean it when you said you missed me?” Fuck, not what I meant to say. Not at all what I meant to say. In fact I hadn’t even meant to speak. Why the fuck can’t I sit here and just be quiet?

Robert doesn’t move, doesn’t react, and I think/hope for a moment that maybe I’ve imagined it. Maybe I haven’t really spoken…but then he turns and looks at me straight in the eye and says, “Yes.”

“Why?” slips out. Christ, why can’t I just shut the fuck up?

Robert looks at me as if I’ve lost my damn mind, and I have to say something, “Fuck, don’t answer that. Sorry for bringing it up, I didn’t mean to. Just forget it, I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

I turn away from him and stare blankly at the TV, someone is doing something there that’s supposed to be hilarious, I can’t even see it.

Robert clears his throat beside me, but I still can’t look at him.

“Because,” he stops and clears his throat again, “because when I was going through everything, all I wanted was you there. All I wanted was you to tell me I could be better than this, that I could be the person you saw in me once.”

Holy fucking shite…God, why did he have to be so honest all of a sudden?

Suddenly Robert stands up like the building is on fire, “Fuck, I’m sorry…I didn’t mean…well I meant it…but that was...I…I’m really gonna leave this time.”

What the hell is going on? He’s just said everything I’ve ever wanted him to say and I’m sitting here like a muppet as he moves toward the door.

“Wait. Please just wait a minute.”

“No, it’s alright. I’m sorry. I’ve obviously freaked you out. I’ve been working so hard on being honest sometimes I don’t think before I speak. All I wanted was to come here and tell you I’m sorry and hope that you could forgive me. I didn’t mean to throw all that on you. You’ve been great about everything and I’ve fucked it up again—“

“Robert! Just shut the fuck up for a minute.” I interrupt. “Just give me a minute alright? I’m not upset, I just need a minute.”

He freezes and waits with one hand on the door handle. I’m sure he’s going to run but then he drops his hand and just waits like I’ve asked him to. Now I need to figure out what the hell I’m going to say to him.

He shifts from foot to foot and stares at me as I try to form any clear thoughts. At some point I had stood up and didn’t realize it until right now. He’s five steps away from me in my small arsed flat and I can’t make myself move toward him, or away from him. We’re standing in complete silence like two statues, and that’s exactly how I feel.

He starts to shift more and moves his gaze from me to glance around the flat, looking anywhere but my face.

“I’m still thinking.” I grind out quietly.

Why can’t I just get my head around what he said? Why can’t I just think of some way to make this alright? Because it is alright. I waited forever for him to say anything like that to me. That he wanted me around, that he missed me and wanted me to think of him as someone worthy of that. He’s been honest with me, now I need to be honest with him.

“I’ve waited forever for you to say that.” I say quietly but I know he hears me because he stops moving instantly and I watch as his face pales and he meets my eyes. There’s a twitch in his jaw as he presses his lips together and his eyes look lost, hopeful, and upset all at once. I don’t think he’s going to speak so I open my mouth.

“Christ, we’ve been through some absolute shite haven’t we?” I close my eyes, take a breath and stick my hands in my pockets before opening my eyes again, before going on, “And after it all, we’re still here. I’m mean, fucking hell you came to France to say you were sorry.”

Robert begins to open his mouth, but now that I’ve started I can’t stop.

“And we had an amazing fucking day. The day I’d always wanted with you. It was like the last year never happened. And I can’t believe we did it.” I can’t stand still anymore. So I start pacing before going on.

“You know it only took six months of us messing around to screw up our lives as we knew them? Six months that started a year a half ago.” I feel his eyes following me as I walk the space between my couch and kitchen. “Then a year goes by when we only see each other a few times. But then ya asked if you could text me. All I ever wanted was to be someone you needed, and when we started talking, or texting, it was easy to imagine that I was that person.”

I expect, from the first word I speak, to feel the anxiety that happens when I open up like this. That the fear and panic will start to creep in because I am ripping myself open to him. It’s not here.

“And today made it feel like nothing could touch us. I can’t believe how fucking great it was, still. It was like nothing bad had ever happened, that we were in this place where we’d always been happy and in love. Christ, over the past year I’ve tried to forget how fast I fell in love with you…and I’ve tried so fucking hard not to be in love with you anymore. But it never took.”

The sight of Robert leaning back against the door and then sliding to the floor stops me in my tracks. The sob that escapes his throat as he buries his face in his hands makes me forget what I’m going to say next.

God, did I mess this up? Was this too much for him to handle? Does he think I’m asking him for something in return?

“You don’t have to say anything,” I begin, “just…are you alright? I didn’t mean for it to come out like that, I don’t want to put that shite on you.”

From behind shaking hands, I hear his muffled voice, “I gave you a minute before, now I need one. Please just give me minute.”

I fall silent, and wait. But everything in me wants to go to him.

I don’t want this to be the last time I see him but if it is at least I’ve finally been completely honest with him. He’s heard exactly what I wanted to be to him, although he probably always knew, I never was great with hiding that from him. But Christ, he’s just going through recovery, how can I put this on him. He didn’t come here for this and now I’ve laid it all on his shoulders. Could I have been any more of a bastard right now?

“I didn’t think you’d say that…didn’t know you felt that way anymore.” He finally says, with his head still bowed but his hands now resting between his knees.

“I tried to tell myself I didn’t. So many times, especially for the first six months I was here. But it was like something in my head just wouldn’t let you go. And it hurt, it hurt so fucking much.” I see him take a sharp breath in but he doesn’t raise his head even now so I go on.

“But then I came home, and finally finding out everything that happened knocked me for one. Seeing you the first time coming to Andy’s room and wanting to help you…I told myself it was just the right thing to do. But leaving you there wasn’t, I shoulda done more, I should have made you go with me—“

“I wouldn’t of,” he breaks in, finally looking at me, “I was too gone, I didn’t want your help, couldn’t really see that I needed. I know now it’s because I didn’t think I was worth it, but it wasn’t your fault. I told you before, don’t ever apologize or feel bad for the things I’ve done. Those were my decisions alone.”

I keep looking at him as he quiets down and we’re locked like this. I see he’s waiting for me to go on, telling me he’s strong enough to handle what comes next.

God only knows if I am.

“When you called me after,” I don’t need to explain after what, we both know, “and you needed my help, needed me, all the effort I had put in to trying to forget what I felt for ya went out the window. But you were so…” he knows what he was, I don’t need to tell him, “and I just wanted to help you, just wanted to show you that things could be better.”

“I love you.” He doesn’t flinch as he says it, doesn’t look away, doesn’t immediately take it back or look worried, ashamed, or any other negative emotion that I think is going to follow his admission. If I wasn’t sitting down already I probably would be now.

I think, after everything that has happened, I’m prepared for anything. But not this, not to hear him say he loves me, again, after all this time, after my leaving, his breakdown, and now working to become mates. He loves me, and fuck if it doesn’t hit me like it always did, always does.

I close my eyes, lay my head back and take a breath. It takes me a moment to realize, but I’ve heard that more from him than I’ve ever said it back.

Silence settles in the room, but neither of us run. We sit and wait with each other as I work out what the hell I’m thinking.

But as I try and think of all the bad that can come out of this, of all the things we have done to ourselves and each other, and what going down this road again will mean, I can’t help but remember what Robert and I had talked about multiple times today. Leave the past in the past, it’s the only way to forgive ourselves and others.

So why am I fighting this? I knew I loved him so long ago, and it really never went away. So why am I making this so hard on myself? On him? I’m sure my counselor would have something to say about it but the outcome would still be the same, he would tell me to not hide anymore, to be honest and truthful with myself.

I lift my head and see that he’s still looking at me, I return his gaze, “Say it again.”

The fucking smile that breaks over his face brings a matching one to my own. We stand at almost the same time and move toward each other. He drags his thumb across my cheek before wrapping a hand around the back of my neck. He stares as intently as I’ve ever seen him before he says, “I love you.”

I stare at his mouth as he says it, wanting to see the words fall past his lips. And I know I’m so gone for him.

He doesn’t move, just waits there as we breathe each other in. I don’t know if he’s waiting for me to respond, to act or say something. Or is just as happy as I am to have him so close.

“I didn’t think we’d get back here again.” I say honestly.

“We weren’t ever here before,” he starts softly, “I was too afraid to be here before. You weren’t though, were you? You were always ready for this. I didn’t see how brilliant that was before. I didn’t see how brave that made you—“

“I swear if you say you’re sorry one more time…” I interrupt.

A laugh falls from him, I’m never gonna get tired of that sound.

Robert closes his eyes and leans his forehead against mine. I watch the contentment on his face before closing my eyes as well. Standing here sharing the same space, the same air as him sends comfort down my spine, throughout my body. He smells the same, feels the same, but everything is so much better without all the shite that came with a moment like this before.

We stand together for long minutes, not speaking and not moving.

“Aaron?” I hear his voice, sounding like it’s far away, and feel his thumb rub against the side of my face. I open my eyes and he leans back, the look in his eyes is so recognizable and I realize he’s going to kiss me right before it happens.

I moan into his mouth, loving the feel of his tongue licking over my lips, asking for entry. I give it without a second thought. The fingers on the back of my neck play with the hair there as his other hand rests on my side. I move closer, bringing his body to me as I wrap my hands around his waist.

“Wait,” Robert breaks away but doesn’t move out of my reach, I don’t let him go either, “Christ, that wasn’t what I meant to do. Not that I didn’t want to do it, obviously. But I don’t want you to think that’s what I’m here for. You don’t, do you?”

The uncertainty in his voice is new but also comforting. He doesn’t want to make this difficult on me, he’s giving me an out, a chance to stop. It makes my body heat up, and my cock thicken uncomfortably against my jeans. Apparently Robert trying to protect me makes me want to strip off all of his clothes and throw him on my bed.

I answer by moving back in and kissing him, as hard as I can. I don’t want to talk anymore, but then I have to break off, I have to make sure _he_ wants this.

“I want this, fucking hell I want this so bad. But we can stop. If it’s too much for ya, tell me. I don’t want to do this if you don’t want it—“

Robert leans forward as he kisses me again, hard and fast, so hard I stumble back but he catches me. His arms wrap around me as I try and lead us to my bedroom, sure that this is somehow not going to happen. That Robert is going disappear again, that I’m going to scare him away, that we’re going to crash and burn.

“Stop thinking so much,” he says against my mouth as he leans away for a moment, “I want you, I want _this_ , we’re alright.”

I can’t answer because he’s kissing me again, and reaching for the hem of my shirt.

We reach the door to my bedroom and briefly break apart as he lifts my shirt over my head, I reach for him and do the same.

Fuck, I’ve missed him so much. His smell, the way he looks when he smiles, the strength in his body, the way his eyes darken as he reaches out and touches me.

“I’ve missed you, too. I’ve missed you more than I let myself think.” I say to him. He answers by wrapping me up and kissing the shite out of me.

My legs hit the bed, but I don’t fall onto it. Instead I switch our positions and push him down with a smirk on my face.

I settle on top of him and kiss the smile from his lips, not being gentle about seeking entrance into his mouth. The feel of his cock hardened against mine with our jeans still in the way doesn’t do much to help my growing need for him, or for release, or for him to bring me that release.

Robert moans as my tongue massages over his, licking into every part of him I can reach. His hands run up and down my back for long minutes before slipping beneath the waistband of my jeans, dipping below my pants and squeezing my arse. He repeats the move a few more times before I even realize I’m rutting against him.

I break contact, leaning back and kneeling up to start working on his jeans, needing to be as naked with him as possible. Now that I know this is happening, I want it to last forever but can’t wait any longer to get started.

He’s fucking gorgeous laid out beneath me. Thinner than I remember but he looks so much healthier than he did the last time I saw him. The sight of his chest rising and falling is too much of a temptation to ignore.

I open his flies, pulling out his long cock and stroking a few times before letting go to lean back in and kiss him again. Working my way toward his jaw and down his throat, I ignore the “please” that slips past Robert’s lips as I dodge his prick and mark his collarbone with a gentle bite and then hard suction that has him arching up against me and releasing a quiet “fuck”. I smile against the spot I just made at his response as I move my mouth down his chest licking over his right nipple before again biting lightly and then sucking mercilessly.

“Fuck, Aaron. That fucking mouth of yours.” Robert groans out, he always responded brilliantly to that kind of attention. I move to the other side, lavish it with as much devotion as I did the first before finally moving down, taking my time to enjoy every part of him that I’d missed for so long.

I push his jeans and pants down even further and it takes a few moments for him to respond and lift his hips so I can pull them all the way off. I catch his eye as I move back up to settle between his spread legs, the trust sitting in his gaze makes me catch my breath for a minute. After everything he’s been through he trusts me completely in this moment, something I never thought we’d have. And I trust him as well, even though that sounds unbelievable. It would have _been_ unbelievable just months ago.

I take him in hand again, collecting drops of pre-come with my thumb and spreading it over his head, pressing slightly into the slit there before running my tongue over the same area. I lift my eyes back to his and take him down slowly.

The feel of him in my mouth, the weight of his prick on my tongue, his smell, all work together to drive me mad. I hum around his shaft at the feel of us being connected again this way, not thinking about it until I feel his hips lift as he pushes more fully into my mouth. It’s been so long since we’ve been like this that I’m not ready for when his cock hits the back of my throat and have to lift off for a minute to place a hand on one hip to push him back down.

A muttered, “fuck,” escapes his mouth as one of his hands brushes through my hair and then comes to rest on the back of my head. I work him up and down a few times before relaxing my jaw and throat, taking him all the way in and swallowing around his head. I do that a few more times, soaring over the sounds Robert makes as I work him over and over, remembering what he enjoys and how to give it to him.

“Jesus Christ, Aaron…stop. Stop before I come,” he says, voice deep and filled with lust, “I’m so fucking close.”

“Isn’t that kinda the point of what we’re doing here?” I ask after letting go of his cock and looking up at him, trying to lighten the mood, trying to make it ok if he doesn’t want anything else.

“Fuck you,” he laughs out, still breathing heavily, “course it is. But…fuck, I want you. I want to come with you in me, bringing me there when you’re a part of me.”

Well, fuck then…

We’d always been open, not keeping to the same roles to bring each other pleasure, but my head is spinning a little. I didn’t think he’d want this, any of it. But the trust I see in his eyes as he looks up at me, when he admits to what he wants, that he is going to let me into his body makes my previously fast-beating heart lose control.

I reach forward and kiss him while my brain catches up to what’s happening.

“Are you sure?” I ask between kisses. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around everything. I pull back and wait for his answer.

His eyes are bluer than I remember, maybe because they are open and trusting right now, something I never saw very often. But they are also determined and steady.

He nods his head slowly, almost like he thinks I’ll miss what he’s telling me.

The heat that had quieted some as we talked returns in full force as I kiss him quickly before standing and fumbling out of my jeans and pants. I reach for my bedside table and pulling out the lube and condoms from the drawer there.

Sliding back onto the bed and kneel between his legs I push his knees up to give me better access to his opening. I wonder for a moment if turning him over would be more comfortable for him but I know unless he asks for that that I’m going to need to see his face as we do this. I lean over and kiss the inside of one of his knees lightly before working my way down the inside of his inner thigh, placing soft open-mouthed kisses as I work toward my goal.

He puts a pillow beneath his arse as I settle on my stomach between his legs once again. When I meet the junction of his thigh I move my attention over to lick the seam between his balls, working my way back toward his opening with kisses. He moans as I lick over his opening and then yells out as I start working my tongue into the tight muscle there.

Reaching up and running a tight fist over Robert’s cock lets me know how close he is to losing it because he shudders and gasps as soon as I make contact. Robert reaches down and grabs my wrist before I can move anymore and I take a peek at his face. The pleasure written there has me scrambling to push his legs higher against his body and reaching for the lube, spreading it on my fingers and over his hole.

Robert releases my wrist and hooks his hands under his knees, opening up even more for me. I catch his eyes again as I push one finger inside of him, stroking slowly in and out, my cock hardening painfully at the feel of how hot and tight he is. When he relaxes his head back and closes his eyes with a satisfied moan I push another finger in and continue fucking him with my fingers until he starts meeting my thrusts. I don’t even try reaching for his spot, he’s too close and so am I.

“Robert,” I say as I move into position, rolling the condom over my cock dripping with pre-come and pouring more lube over myself.

His eyes open and find mine, deep blue and pupils blown wide with need, “Look at me, watch me when I enter ya,” I say, leaning over him as I start pushing forward, “let me see all of you.”

His gaze is intense, almost too much, but I can’t look away even if I wanted to, we’ll do this together like I’ve always wanted.

“I missed you so much,” he whispers. The fingers of one hand come up and run through my hair as I continue pushing forward slowly. Inch by inch I work into him, trying to maintain control as his heat surrounds me. Finally I’m seated fully inside and hold a minute to breathe and regain control of the wild need to start pounding into him, the need to make him mine again and again.

Slowly I start moving in and out, keeping my pace slow, trying to make this last for the both of us. Robert’s hands slide under my arms and down my back, resting on my hips fingers digging in as we continue to watch each other.

“I missed you too, so much.” I tell him again. “I love you.”

I watch as his eyes soften, fill with desire, and then need after I tell him this. After I knock over the last barrier to what we are to each other.

He starts meeting my thrusts, and we lose any control we might have had. The need to make him mine fills every spot in me and I can’t help but start fucking into him, trying to go deeper even though I know it’s impossible.

Robert doesn’t stop trying to take more of me though. He continues to lift his hips, fucking himself on my prick as I reach for his cock and start stroking it to the rhythm of our thrusts.

It’s too much, watching him come apart beneath me, and I have to lean down and kiss him. I have to be a part of him in as many ways as I can. I drop onto one elbow as my other hand continues to bring him off, hoping that it’s enough to make sure we come together.

“Fuck, Aaron, fucking hell, I’m going to come. Please keep going, keep going…” Robert strangles out just before I feel his stomach tighten and him clamp around my oversensitive cock. Hot come pours over my hand as his eyes close and he rolls his head back, letting the pleasure overtake his body.

We might not have finished together but the sight of him lost in his orgasm and his walls rippling around my cock pulls mine from me. I may have yelled out before collapsing against him, but nothing seems to be real right now except the feel of Robert beneath me, so it’s difficult to tell.

I lay on top of him and feel his hands stroke up and down my back. I don’t want to break away but two thoughts crash into my head at the exact same moment. One that I’m probably crushing him, and two that I want, need, to take care of him right now.

I pull back and place a quiet kiss on his lips. Robert’s eyes are closed as I release him, but the contented, relaxed smile on his face makes my heart soar. I continue to pull back and see him winch slightly as I pull completely from his body. He opens his eyes and still looks at me like he’s perfectly happy to stay right where he is.

“I’ll be right back.” I tell him before walking quickly to the bathroom, taking care of the condom, cleaning myself up and wetting a flannel to take back to Robert.

I catch sight of myself in the mirror above the sink, almost not recognizing the stupid smiling face looking back at me.

It only makes me smile harder and walk quickly back to Robert…who is asleep.

I clean him off as gently as possible, throw the flannel in my heaping pile of laundry, and slide into my bed. I work the sheet out from under his body and place it over both of us, leaving space between my body and his. I don’t want to impose on the man sleeping next to me. Yes, we just had mind-blowing sex and said the words I love you, but the need to make sure he’s alright and comfortable with this, with me, has been giving him his personal space even on my smallish double bed.

I settle in, my body and mind content for the first time in a long time, maybe forever. I’m on the edge of sleep when I hear Robert call my name, sounding like he’s talking in his sleep.

“Yeah,” I answer sleepily.

Robert doesn’t respond but I feel a hand snake around my waist and pull me across the few centimeters that separate us. He holds me against his chest, every part of the back of my body touching the front of his.

“I’m glad I came to see you.” He says, still sounding mostly asleep.

“Me too.” I say quietly, a smile breaking over my face.

I feel a kiss against the back of my neck, and then his arm tightens around me. I fall asleep still smiling.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: myfavorite26


	16. The End of Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s fucking wild to be able to read someone like that. And maybe it should terrify me that he can do the same to me, but all it makes me feel is content. I don’t have to hide who I am with him, I don’t have to try to be someone else because even if I tried he’s still know the truth. He knows what hurts me, what makes me happy, and can tell with one look what I’m truly feeling. He’s seen me at my worst and is still sitting in front of me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's here everyone! The last chapter...
> 
> Not gonna lie, I finished this Wednesday evening but held off on releasing it mainly because I wasn't ready to say goodbye to it yet...

The End of Something

Robert

“Aaron?” I say aloud.

At least I think I say it out loud. I can’t seem to tell what’s real and not, because the fact that I’m laying here with Aaron, in his bed, after having pretty fantastic sex and telling each other ‘I love you’ seems impossible.

“Yeah.” Comes his sleep filled voice from beside me. I crack open one eye to see the back of his head and neck. It’s not enough to be this close to Aaron and not have a hand on him so I reach out wrap an arm around his waist, pulling him to me.

His familiar scent hits me and we fold into each other. I cover his entire back with my body, run my hand over his stomach, and tighten my arm around his waist, hanging on for everything I’ve got.

I love him and he loves me. That is the only truth I have running through my head right now. To tired and sated to do anything else I tell him exactly what I’m feeling.

“I’m glad I came to see you.”

“Me too” comes his quiet reply.

I’m not able to put any more words together so I kiss the back of his neck, tighten my hold and fall asleep.

-*-~-*-

As I wake up, I know something’s not right, beyond the obvious of being in a bed that’s not my own that’s in a flat that’s not mine either. No, I’m alone and I’m not supposed to be, that’s the problem. Waking up in bed alone never feels brilliant, waking up in Aaron’s bed alone with nothing remaining of his warmth that was wrapped around me all night is even worse.

As I stand to get out of bed, find my clothes and start throwing them on my anxiety begins to rise. I hear nothing in his flat, not the sound of him banging around in the kitchen, or even in the shower. Tripping into my jeans as I enter his kitchen and living room my stomach sinks even further. He’s gone, there’s not a sound around me, and it’s such a blow I can’t catch my breath for a long moment.

_He left his own fucking house to get away from me._

The panic is beginning to take hold and cold fingers rise up the back of my neck, something I haven’t felt in a long time. At least not since the day I started communicating with Aaron.

My last thought before falling asleep last night had been to stupidly think how perfect this was. I was going to be able to finally spend a night with Aaron, wake up next to him, and not have to worry about hurrying home so we wouldn’t get caught out. Fuck, there had even been a thought about making breakfast together, and then going another round in bed with him. Or vice versa.

Now I’m standing in the middle of his flat, naked from the waist up with no shoes on, completely alone. The ache in my chest is threatening to suffocate me, I have to leave now, I can’t be here.

_He doesn’t want me here._

The only thing making me not contemplate seeking out the alcohol Aaron admitted to having in his home is Dr. Robinson’s voice. The one that morphs in to mine as it reminds me over and over again that I’m strong. Strong enough to handle this, strong enough to get myself back to my hotel before losing it in a storm of very cowardly tears.

At least the months of therapy seem to be working.

I’m so lost in my own head that for a moment I can’t register the sound of keys in the lock and the door opening. It’s not until I see Aaron struggling with coffees and a paper bag that I realize he’s even here. I lock eyes with him for a moment before dropping my gaze and wiping at the tears sitting behind my eyes.

“Robert?” comes out of Aaron’s mouth as a definite question. One I don’t want to answer. It’s gets quickly followed by an almost silent, “fuck” and then keys and cups and the bag, which I assume has breakfast in it, get hastily dropped on the counter next to the door.

“Robert,” not a question this time, it’s a plea, and I look up at him. I’m strong enough to do that, showing him my weakness isn’t a bad thing, but it stills feels more than a bit humiliating.

“I thought you’d still be asleep,” he begins again in that quiet pleading tone as he walks towards me, hands out in supplication and a pleading look on his face. “I didn’t wanna leave you, but I had nothing for breakfast. I thought I’d be back before you woke up. I’m sorry I wasn’t here, but I just went out to get breakfast.”

I watch him as he continues the last two steps and stops directly in front of me. I want to pull him into me, tell him it’s alright, and it is. But the response to the thought of him leaving me has me worried, I can’t be that dependent on something again, on someone. I’m supposed to be strong enough on my own, but for the 5 minutes I was alone in this flat I wasn’t.

He stands and waits as I try and form any thought I can share with him.

“It’s alright. But I need a minute, I need to phone someone.” I finally choke out, he’s not convinced at all that I’m alright, I can see it in his eyes.

_Talk to him. He’s standing in front of you, he didn’t leave you, just tell him what’s going on._

“I panicked when I thought you’d left.” The thought comes out as words stronger than I thought it would, so I keep going, “And then I panicked again when I realized how I’d acted when you weren’t here, when you weren’t with me. And it scares the shite out of me. I don’t want to depend on anything like I did the alcohol, even you.”

Aaron stares at me as I confess. I feel naked as he assesses me with quiet eyes, and an unreadable expression. He doesn’t move as I start to become restless under his observation. I drop my gaze down to my shifting feet and feel the urge to run, or take back what I just said, or do anything that will break the tension currently filling Aaron’s tiny kitchen.

Aaron reaches for me and takes my hand before resting his other hand on the side of my neck and pushing his thumb under my chin, forcing me to look up at him. The questions on his face from before have been replaced with something that looks like pride, or maybe appreciation.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you feel like that. But thank you for telling me the truth. I can’t fucking believe how much stronger you are now. You need to get ahold of Dr. Robinson?” He asks.

I hold his gaze as I nod my head. “I just need to talk to him for a minute is all. It’s still difficult sometimes…not always. But sometimes I need more help…”

Christ I sound like an idiot. But it’s the truth and I’ve promised myself that I’m going to be honest with myself and those around me.

Aaron continues to look at me with pride, something I’ve not seen on very many people’s faces when they look at me.

“Fuck, I really wanna kiss ya right now.” He says with an easy smile on his face.

I don’t think before leaning in and pressing my mouth to his, slipping my tongue along his lips and begging for entrance. The feel of his tongue stroking against mine as he moves the hand on the side of my face to around the back of my neck is enough to quiet the swirling tension running through my body.

He breaks away first and rests his forehead against mine. “Go and talk to Dr. Robinson, I’ll get breakfast ready.”

 

Aaron

I work on making my hastily bought breakfast seem like something more than it really is. Especially after all the trouble it seems to be causing.

Shit, I really didn’t think it would be so horrible to leave for five minutes and get us some food but the look on Robert’s face when I walked back through my door was fucking awful. I knew there was a possibility he would be awake before I got home, since the line was out the door when I got to the bakery, but I didn’t think about leaving a note. Didn’t think that leaving him like that would be seen as anything big.

His response tells me everything I need to remember about where we are and what he’s been through. What we’ve both been through…and how we’ve changed and grown.

Before I was always the one asking for more, being hurt when he was gone. He was so closed off it seemed like nothing could hurt him. I know now it wasn’t really like that and whatever he felt this morning was always there when we were together before, but now he’s able to share it. He’s able to be so honest with himself, and me, that I probably looked like a complete muppet when I was staring at him as he told me what he was feeling. I was so shocked by his strength in that moment that I couldn’t say anything back.

I was also trying really fucking hard not to throw myself at him and tell him how much I wanted to bend him over my kitchen counter, but that thought would have been better served coming out some other time.

Getting plates out and making sure the tops are on the coffee cups tightly is all I have to do besides wait for Robert. I sit at my crappy little kitchen table and wait for him to get done with his phone call and come out of my bedroom.

Less than five minutes later he walks into my kitchen and…fucking hell he looks completely shell-shocked. Fuck, what did Dr. Robinson say?

“Everything alright?” I ask as he continues to look blank, not lost, just like there’s so much running through his head he can’t be bothered with trying to school his expression into something that doesn’t scare the complete shite out of me. The fact that he’s not looking in me in the eye but somewhere over my shoulder makes it worse.

He doesn’t respond.

“Robert, is everything alright?” I ask again, more concerned and also really fucking nervous about what the next words out of his mouth are going to be.

“Huh? What’d you say?” he finally asks, looking at me as well. I can see the confusion in his eyes. The nervous energy rolling off him is taking up all the air in my small flat.

God dammit, he’s going to leave. Dr. Robinson told him to leave and he’s going to do it. Who the fuck knows what else he’s going to say but he’s regretting this…us…and he’s gonna leave me again. I can’t believe we’re back here.

“Fucking hell, you’re leaving aren’t ya? You’re gonna leave me again.” I say with more desperation than I’m comfortable with feeling, but I couldn’t care less. I know he wasn’t lying when he told me he loved me last night. If he’s going to lie now, after he’s worked so hard to be honest, he’s gonna know how much it’ll hurt. “What did Dr. Robinson say? Don’t lie to me, not when you’ve been so strong all this time. Even if you think it’ll hurt just tell me the truth. I deserve that…and so do you.”

His eyes widen as I speak and now he looks even more panicked.

He really is leaving. I close my eyes as the pain washes over me. A day ago he showed up on my doorstep asking for forgiveness, we worked through so much in the last 24 hours, told each other ‘I love you’ and had brilliant sex before falling asleep together. How the hell did we get to him walking out on me yet again?

Maybe we’re just too fucked up to be together.

“I love you.” Those three words coming out of his mouth should make me feel better, but they don’t.

“You love me but you’re leaving me. That’s it right?” I ask, hurt mixed with desperation in my voice.

Robert closes his eyes and shakes his head briefly before opening them again and pinning me with a steady gaze, “No, I’m telling you I love you and that I want to be with you. That I’m ready to be with you. And I’m so fucking nervous because after everything we’ve been through asking you to take this step with me is a massive deal.”

He stops talking and looks at me as I take in what he’s said, as the words float around in my head but don’t connect into any one complete thought for a few very long minutes.

“And Dr. Robinson told me I was ready for this step, that it wouldn’t be ‘detrimental’ to my continued recovery. Which shocked the fuck out of me and probably made me look like a complete idiot when I walked back in here.” He adds after a few minutes.

Those words get thrown in the mix as I continue to wrap my head around everything he’s said. Another piece fitting in to the rest of what’s been going on.

“Not trying to push, and I know it’s been a fucked up hour or so, but I’m kinda losing it over here Livesy.” Robert’s voice breaks through the noise in my head. He’s shifting back and forth and his hands are jammed into the pockets of his jeans, and even though he looks as nervous as before there’s a slight look of hope in his eyes, probably because I haven’t run off screaming in the opposite direction.

And the fact that I’m able to read him again so well, know what he’s feeling behind the words he’s saying has me moving toward him and wrapping my arms around his shoulders as I kiss the shite out of him. His sigh of relief as I lick into his mouth sends chills down my body and blood rushing south, it doesn’t hurt that he’s still naked from the waist up so all I feel against my hands is his warm skin. The arms wrapped tightly around my waist make everything feel complete.

“Christ, are you fucking serious right now?” Robert asks after pulling away just enough to speak.

“You think I’d be trying to stick my tongue down your throat if I was messing you about? If I didn’t want to be with you also?” I ask him with a smirk.

“No, I guess not.” Robert answers me smiling.

He leans back in and kisses me slow and so fucking sweet I want to give him shit for it but I’m too lost in what we’re doing to worry about it.

With one final stroke of his tongue he pulls away, letting his hands slide around to the side of my waist but not letting me go.

“Not to spoil the brilliant snog session…but there are some things we need to talk about.” Robert’s voice forces my eyes open and I’m met with his steady gaze. The fear that might have accompanied those words 10 minutes ago isn’t here now.

“I know. Can we at least eat breakfast first? I’m starving.” I ask as he releases me completely.

 

** Robert **

Breakfast goes by quickly and quietly. I thank Aaron for the food and coffee before sitting at his kitchen table, with my shirt now back on. I don’t think having the conversation we are going to have is one where I should be half naked.

When we’re done Aaron cleans up our trash and heads over to his couch, settling on it and not so subtly waiting on me to get my arse in gear and join him. I was the one who pushed us to this point, but now I’m sitting here waiting for my heart to resume its normal function. It really hasn’t been working correctly for much of this morning. It basically stopped when Dr. Robinson told me to pull my head out of my arse and work through this with Aaron.

But how? How the fuck do I make this work? If my record is anything to go by I’d be doing him the kindest favor by leaving him alone. All the confidence and fucking bollocks I have grown seem to have shriveled and died in a matter of minutes.

Knowing that I can possibly have what I’ve wanted for so long seems to be stealing me of all ability to actually do anything about it. This kind of shite doesn’t come easy to me, if at all. It’s easy to say the right words when scamming someone to give you money, or position, or power. But actually telling Aaron what I want and listening to him maybe tell me it’s not possible is making the fantastic pastry he bought me for breakfast feel like a lead weight sinking in my stomach.

“Robert,” his voice snaps me out of my anxiety driven downward spiral, “come and sit down. You look like I’m gonna bite your head off. Honestly, you’d think I was the one who suggested we needed to talk while interrupting what was turning out to be a pretty fantastic kiss.”

The smirk on his face and the warmth in his gaze calms me down again. His ability to do that is going to be important in our future, one I hope we have.

“Sorry, just…thinking.” I reply, finally standing up and working my way over to him.

“Always a dangerous concept with you.” Aaron bites back with a smile as I sit down on the opposite end of his couch, turning and facing him. The smile and the warmth still in his eyes, now joined with a very tiny bit of apprehension. It was so small in fact someone else probably would have missed it, but not me.

It’s fucking wild to be able to read someone like that. And maybe it should terrify me that he can do the same to me, but all it makes me feel is content. I don’t have to hide who I am with him, I don’t have to try to be someone else because even if I tried he’s still know the truth. He knows what hurts me, what makes me happy, and can tell with one look what I’m truly feeling. He’s seen me at my worst and is still sitting in front of me.

“It’s not always dangerous, sometimes it’s really dangerous.” I say with a smile. Aaron’s corresponding one lights up his eyes.

“Yeah, that’s very true.”

I sober some, knowing that the next words out of my mouth could end what we’ve been building over the last day.

“My plane takes off in a few hours.”

Aaron’s face falls also some, and then sighs as reality no doubt sets in, “Yeah.”

“I have to go home,” he just nods as I speak the truth we don’t want to face, “and you have to stay here.”

Aaron runs is hand over the back of his neck, looking as lost in thought as I was minutes ago. I know that look, he’s putting his thoughts together. So I wait, trying not to twitch with nervousness as much as I want to.

“What do you wanna do?” he asks.

Not what I thought was going to come out of his mouth.

“Uhm…what do you want to do?” I ask, mainly to buy myself some time. Because fuck if I know how to tell him what I want.

“No answering a question with a question.” He says with that smile that’s almost a smirk on his face. “We’re here right now because of you. You came here to see me, to ask for forgiveness, even though I’d forgiven you a long time ago. I don’t know if everything else that happened was in your plan, but it feels like we’ve been working our way here for a long time. So tell me what you want to happen next. And then I’ll tell you what I want.”

“I already said I wanted to be with you, you idiot.” Maybe not the best time to call him names, but he just smiles wider, so I figure it’s alright.

“Yeah, I think we’ve established that, muppet.” he answers back still smiling, “But how is this gonna work?”

That’s the part I don’t know. That’s the part I need his help on. But it feels like he needs to follow my lead. And I need to be strong enough to lead sometimes.

“I fly home today, and phone you when I get in.”

“Alright. Then?” he asks. His face is still bright but has sobered some as we try and figure this out. As I try and figure out what to say.

“Then you call me tomorrow. At lunch, or after you get off work, and we talk about our day. You tell me about the snobby French bastard who doesn’t know how to drive his expensive car. I tell you about the rust bucket that someone brought in and is trying to save even though it should definitely be in your scrapyard.”

I stop for a second, afraid to say the next words for just a moment. But Aaron sits there and waits, he knows I’m not done, and I love him for his patience along with everything else.

“And when we’re done complaining about work, we’ll talk about the village and who’s doing what, and then before we hang up I’ll tell you that I love, hoping you’ll tell me the same.”

I see him take a sharper breath in but then watch as his body relaxes.

“And we’ll keep doing that for as long as it works. We’ll make the distance work, because we need to both be ourselves while learning how, or if, we can be together. I want to be with you, and I think you want to be with me, but we both have to be strong enough to be in a relationship and not get lost.”

I stop because I have nothing more to add. I’ve put it out there now I just have to wait for him.

“You think we’re strong enough to do this?” he asks. His face remains relaxed, comfortable. His words could make me nervous, they would have just a day ago. Now I know better, I know he’s watching out for us, not just himself but me as well.

“I think so. But I also think that’s why we have to take the time to do this the right way. I don’t want to mess this up again. I don’t want to rush, and watch it all fall apart because we didn’t take care of ourselves. Or have it ruined because we weren’t strong enough to be honest with each other about where were going and what we wanted. It might not be the most romantic way to do this but I want to make sure it’s right and lasts this time. Is that what you want?”

He waits quietly as I finish, my breath held, and more nerves running through me than I want to admit. If he doesn’t want to take this slow and do the long distance relationship, or possibly even wants to take things faster, then this isn’t going to work. We have to be smart about this, and also be of the same mind.

“Yes.”

I’m so lost in thought that for a moment I don’t realize he has answered me.

Swallowing back the lump that currently is forming in my throat I have to ask, “Yes? Seriously, yes? You really want this? You want to take it slow?”

“Yes, Robert. I want to be with you. But you’re absolutely right we have to do this slowly and the right way. And sure this might not be the most romantic way but it’s what’s right for us so it’ll make it even better when this period is over.

“I need to stay in France, see this out. I always knew I wasn’t going to live here forever but its right for me now. And you need to be in the village, working at the garage, being close to your family. Like you said, if we can handle the distance now it’ll be even better for us in the long run.”

I nod my head because all I can do is agree, Aaron’s taken the words out of my mouth. He reaches over and grabs my hand, holding on to it as he starts talking again.

“And when we’re finally ready I’ll come home. Who knows when that’ll be but if it ever gets too hard to be apart you can come and visit, or I’ll fly up, or we’ll meet in the middle somewhere. We’ll make it all work, I know we will.”

The lump I swallowed before has come back in full force and is now accompanied by tears burning the backs of my eyes. Fucking hell, he’s said everything I’ve ever wanted him to.

It’s a wild feeling when everything you’ve thought would never happen gets turned on its head and life becomes what you never thought it could be.

I pull hard on his hand, bringing him to me and planting my mouth on his as I wrap my other hand around the back of his neck. He immediately opens for me and I can’t help the sigh of satisfaction that comes from the back of my throat. My mind is still reeling but the man in front of me is so solid and warm all I can focus on, all I want to focus on, is him.

He breaks away for a moment and I try and catch my breath.

“How long to we have until you have to be at the airport?” he asks with the smile I love so much.

“At least a few hours.”

“I’m sure we can think of a way to fill those.” Aaron says right before wrapping me up and hauling me to my feet, pushing me toward his bedroom, each of us laughing like idiots.

I’m the last person to make it on my flight 5 hours later.

** Aaron **

**_7 Months Later_ **

“Adam, where the hell are ya?” I ask over the phone, standing in front of the airport, right where he is supposed to be meeting me.

“Calm down mate, I’m coming right now. I can see your ugly mug, just look to your right.” Comes his irritatingly happy tone over the line.

I hang up and wait the two minutes it takes for him to get his car in the right line and stop in front of me.

“Happy Christmas!” Adam shouts as I get in the car after putting my stuff in the back and we start pulling out into traffic.

“It wouldn’t have been for you if you’d been any later.” I snap at him.

“Mate, calm the fuck down. It’s all gonna be fine.” He answers back, still annoyingly happy.

“It’ll be a miracle if this all works out.”

This being my brilliant plan to surprise Robert by coming back a day early with everything I own in tow to tell him that I’m moving back. All I have to figure out now is how to get the words out of my mouth when the time comes.

My moving back has been something Robert and I have been discussing for the last month. When we hit the 6 month mark and things between us were still good, brilliant even, I brought it up. The conversation that followed, and all the ones since haven’t seen us making a decision. It didn’t lead to a fight, it just led to us dithering about. Being scared was something I thought we’d both gotten over, but it was the root of our uncertainty, something that Dr. Robinson had told Robert and my counselor had told me. They used a lot of other words to describe it but it came down to the fact that one of us had to take the jump, and I decided it was gonna be me. Robert had taken the initial step by showing up in France 7 months ago, now it’s my turn.

The last 7 months haven’t been sunshine and flowers. There were struggles, fights the left us not speaking to each other for a day or two, and the distance at times felt like it was too much to overcome. But then Robert would show up on my doorstep again, or I’d came back to the village to see him. One time I was even able to get a cheap flight into Heathrow and we met in London for a weekend.

Everything that we’ve gone through, every time we talked, even the embarrassing phone sex (that turned out not to be embarrassing after a time) made it easier to be together. We got to know each other with blemishes and all. And it’s made me even more sure that we can be together this time and that it’ll stick.

The 45 minutes from the airport to home are long and my fidgeting drives Adam up the wall, but he was the one that was late so he can stuff it. Vic is supposed to keep Robert in the pub until we get home and I can sneak into his room at Adam and Vic’s. I tried to think of a better place, somewhere that meant something more to us. But then I realized it was the best place for a new start. We’d never been there together, it had no bad memories, or held any significance for us as a couple. The rest of the village was filled with enough memories, some good, some bad and I didn’t want any of those ruining my first night permanently back in the village.

Texting both Vic and Robert while sneaking into the village is maybe not the best idea but I need to keep an eye on how things are going with Vic so she doesn’t bring Robert home before I’m ready. And I need to not make Robert suspicious because it’s the time of night that we always phone each other. He’s currently put out because it’s the night before I’m supposed to come home and he wants to make plans for when I get in. Pulling into the village I tell him I’ll phone him in 20 minutes. Hopefully he’s not too angry with me when I show up with my suitcase and moving boxes in his bedroom.

“Are the boxes to much? Maybe he’ll think I wanna move in with him?” I ask Adam as we take the only two boxes I have into the house.

“Little late for that now isn’t it?” Adam laughs as he answers. I must look like a kicked puppy because he sobers some before going on, “It’ll be alright mate. And if he says something about moving in together just tell him not yet. That always works on Vic. ‘Sure I’ll get to fixing that door.’ or ‘No problem I can get the trash done after my show is over.’ You know, just put it off.”

“I’m not sure how you’ve managed to stay married to her this long. I would have dropped your arse months ago.” I tell him. Though he does get me to smile and relax about this whole thing.

“Shut it, arsehole” He says, dropping my box of stuff harder than necessary and shoving me.

My phone beeps a moment later and I open the text from Vic, nerves take back over as I read that Robert’s on his way home.

I feel slightly bad shoving Adam out of his own home but I’m not doing this with witnesses. The wait feels like forever but is only maybe 5 minutes. As I hear the front door open and close I shuffle my feet, fighting the urge to move to much, I don’t want to be pacing when Robert finally opens his door. But then nothing happens and I hear the TV turn on in the main room. I’d laugh if I wasn’t so nervous, of course Robert chooses to sit his arse in front of the TV while waiting for me to call him. Fuck! What the hell do I do now?!

Not coming up with any better idea, I pull my phone out and start a text to him.

_Sorry, call you in a few. Promise I’ll make it up to ya._

Do I add that I want him to go to his bedroom, or will he take the hint? Take the fucking hint Robert!

I push send and wait. When I hear Robert’s phone beep with my message the nerves start fluttering again and I realize, with all that’s gone wrong in the last hour, I’ve completely forgotten to think about what the hell I’m going to say to him when he finally walks into this room.

Footsteps draw me out of my head and I watch as the door opens to Robert with his attention focused on his phone. I’m surprised he can’t hear my heart trying to beat out of my fucking chest. I’m still holding my phone in my hand and it beeps just as Robert lifts his gaze and freezes as he takes in me, my suitcase, and eventually the boxes sitting on the floor by my feet.

The silence lasts so fucking long that I’m about to say something. Although since I still have no idea what to say beyond ‘I’m back’ I wait a few seconds longer. Fortunately, it doesn’t make it past a thought as Robert closes the space between us and kisses me long and hard. I fall into it wrapping my arms around his waist as he holds onto me with everything he has.

Breaking away and slightly out of breath Robert leans back far enough to look me in the eye, hope radiating off him when he speaks, “You’re back.”

I smile at the lack of question in his tone and nod. He knows I’m here for him, for _us_. Robert pulls me back to him and I let contentment roll over me as I settle into his arms. Holding on with all my strength I kiss him back, making every promise to him that I can without saying a word.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well that's it! I hope you enjoyed it! I can't say thank you enough to everyone who has read, commented, and encouraged me through this whole thing! It has been such a joy to share this with you, especially as I've never taken anything like this on before. Thank you for putting up with the sometimes very long waits between chapters and the random ramblings of the writer at times!  
> I do have an idea for a sequel that I'm currently brainstorming to see if it could be something worthwhile to write. Don't look for it to begin though until at least the start of the summer, I need a break from the multi-chapter stuff right now! Although if you find me over on tumblr I am taking on prompts for one shots, and will getting back to some writing on my Firsts series.  
> Thank you again for reading! Have a fantastic day!!!
> 
> Find me on tumblr: myfavorite26


End file.
